Specific short-term career goals - MBA Admission Essay

Hello.

I have been writing my mba admission essay's for a while now and finally completed number one of three. It is in a question and answer format so I will provide the questions and if anyone could please crituqe me that would be phenominal! This essay is in its rawest form so there may be puncuation and grammatical errors. Thank you!

Question: What are your specific short-term career goals immediately following the MBA program? Describe the job, industry and/or function that you plan to obtain. How will your current experience, combined with the MBA degree, position you for this oppourtunity?

Answer:

It's 6:00 a.m. as I sit down at my desk. Behind me, the morning sun begins to rise as I am alone in the office, preparing for another day of tactical thinking and execution. As the manager of Fraud Strategy for U.S. Bank, each day brings forth uncertainty, SOMEWORD, and most importantly, the opportunity to be proactive in a reactive industry.

This is the next step in my career at U.S. Bank, a step that will lead me to senior management and beyond. Before I am able to move into a management role within U.S. Bank, I will need to hone my leadership skills and become the leader I know I am capable of. To become the best leader I can be I will need the best resources and training available. This is where the Katz MBA comes into play.

Currently in the role of Project Manager for the Fraud Implementation and Support team at U.S. Bank, becoming a manager in fraud strategy would enable me to make the transition from managing intangible software implementation projects, to the tangible aspects of managing people and the decisions they make each day. The manager of Fraud Strategy at U.S. Bank over see's all aspects of transaction related fraud within U.S. Bank. From the implementation of our fraud detection software package, Fraud Watch Plus, to managing Fraud Specialists, Project Manager's, and call center representatives, the manager of Fraud Strategy administers a very dynamic employee base while at the same time attempting to keep up with some of the most intelligent and intricate criminals in the world.

Having extensive knowledge in the transaction services industry, its practices and regulations, has given me the tools needed to have a sound foundation for my first management position. Throughout my life I have always know that I was a leader. Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have shown at a young age. As I continued to show these qualities in my studies as an undergraduate at Penn State Behrend, I knew that I had the drive and passion to become a leader that employee's could use and learn from to better them selves on a daily basis. After completion of my undergraduate degree, I knew there had to be more to learned and more to be taught, both about myself and as well as where my leadership traits could take me during my professional career. After searching meticulously and finding an ideal job, I began my career at U.S. Bank as an Adjustment Coordinator. This entry level position enabled me to learn the theories and best practices of debit card fraud. During this time, I also discovered the excitement and motivation needed to be successful in a reactive industry. Combating fraud is a never-ending battle with no preemptive scenarios. Because of this, leaders in the industry must be dynamic and prepared at all times. I soon realized this as I was called upon early in my career to create the first large scale fraud trend reporting system. This type of system had never been able to be created due to the fact that no employee had the technical background as well as the experience of battling fraud on the front lines.

Shortly after configuration and implementation of the fraud trend reporting system, I again, became hungry to learn more about the debit card fraud industry and the tools used to combat fraud. I approached my manager after ten months of employment and asked to begin training for the role of Project Manager. I was taking the next step forward to become the leader I know I am capable of being.

Learning the process of implementing a large scale fraud detection software tool has given me refined communication skills, as well as the ability to manage multiple entities simultaneously. These key ingredients coupled with the Katz MBA will place me in a position to provide employee's with a catalyst to improve themselves not only as team members, but as human beings.

With so many successful leaders in today's business world being alumni of the University of Pittsburgh and the Katz MBA program, it's no wonder the combination of the degree and a drive to succeed have given so many the opportunity to excel in their chosen leadership role. It is now time for me to take the next step in my career and obtain the degree that will give me that opportunity.

It's 6:00 a.m. as I sit down at my desk. Behind me, the morning sun begins to rise as I am alone in the office, preparing for another day of tactical thinking and execution. As the manager of Fraud Strategy for U.S. Bank, each day brings forth uncertainty, SOMEWORD, and most importantly, the opportunity to be proactive in a reactive industry.

^
I would love to suggest 'someword', however I really do not know what you feel the job brings you??

This is the next step in my career at U.S. Bank, a step that will lead me to senior management and beyond.
^Is the MBA the step?

Before I am able to move into a management role within U.S. Bank, I will need to hone my leadership skills and become the leader I know I am capable of being .

--Perhaps in between this sentence and the next one, you can define what a leader is, so that readers know what you mean by 'best leader'.

To become the best leader I can be I will need the best resources and training available. This is where the Katz MBA comes into play.

^Hmmm if you want to stick to this idea, then my question is, how does the Katz MBA offer the "best resources"? Like, what are 'best resources'?

Also, does an academic program offer 'training'?

Currently in the roleasof Project Manager for the Fraud Implementation and Support team at U.S. Bank, becoming a manager in fraud strategy would enable me to make the transition from managing intangible software implementation projects, to the tangible aspects of managing people and the decisions they make each day.

^I like this sentence to be honest. I thought it shows clear focus and knowledge of the field and the position.

The manager of Fraud Strategy at U.S. Bank over see's all aspects of transaction related fraud within U.S. Bank. From the implementation of our fraud detection software package, Fraud Watch Plus, to managing Fraud Specialists, Project Manager's, and call center representatives, the manager of Fraud Strategy administers a very dynamic employee base while at the same timewhilst also attempting to keep up with some of the most intelligent and intricate criminals in the world.

-Perhaps, you can omit the name of the software package?
-Also, I doubt you can describe 'criminals' as 'intricate'.

Having extensive knowledge in the transaction services industry, it' s practices and regulations, has given me the tools needed to have a sound foundation for my first management position.

Throughout my life I have always know that I was a leader. Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have shown at a young age.

^Alright. Here you talk about leadership. Perhaps you can place this earlier, where you first mention leadership and tie it in with a definition as well?

Also, by just stating activities, does not prove you have leadership traits. What was it in these activities that made you feel that you are a leader.

*Ok I went through the rest of your essay and I personally felt that it is mismatched from here onwards. I skim read the rest. I personally feel that after you implement some revision, and fix the chronology of your essay, it will be a lot more effective and can gather a lot more useful input from people on this site.

What's good about this essay is that it is rooted in your work experiences. But you are going to need to tighten up the organization, as Liebe suggested, and also clean up the grammar.

For example:


The extra comma in this sentence derails it completely. Punctuated correctly, this sentence would help you. As it is, it hurts you. "I again" set off in commas stands out jarringly, drawing attention to itself and your error. This is an excellent example of how little things -- just one misplaced comma -- can make a big difference.

"Taking extra time to refine my baseball skills, staying after school to coordinate review sessions for an upcoming exam, and volunteering at local non-profit organizations are just a few of the leadership traits that I have showndemonstrated at a young age."

I fixed the verb here, but the sentence still doesn't make sense. These are actions not traits.

Try to say everything you do now in your essay, but in about 70% of the current word count. Once you have ruthlessly cut verbiage and reworded sentences to make your writing as tight as possible, post the revised draft for more feedback.