Dear All,
Could you please comment on how strongly the below essay-
1. captures the reader's attention
2. answers the question asked
3. aptness of the issue
general/language comments also welcome.
Tell us about a time when you had to propel yourself beyond expectation or established norms? Why did you do it?
23 November, 5:30 P.M: Unaware that my whole world was going to fall apart, I picked up the ringing phone. The shaky voice on the other side informed me that, my father, the guiding light of my path was no more.
Still very young and engulfed by profound grief, I could have seen myself as a victim. Atleast nobody expected me to stand up against the established norms of the ritual driven Indian society, which does not allow a girl child to take the forefront during such tragedies.
I had two choices: stand aside and see distant relatives and apparent strangers dictating terms for my family or stand up for the values and beliefs that had been inculcated in me by my parents. The choice was obvious. Moreover, realizing that every emotional outburst and decision of mine would not only affect my family's present but also influence our future propelled me to take charge of the situation.
But putting shattered pieces of our lives together was not easy when meeting demands of daily living seemed monstrous. To stabilize my family emotionally and financially, I divided each passing day in small pragmatic tasks and approached these with an optimistic outlook. I not only encouraged my younger sister to chase her dreams but also reassured my mother. This helped my family to rebuild confidence and strike back at life.
When the heavy clouds of sorrow finally began to fade, I started seeing that living through hardships carry with itself a lesson, which could be used to build bridges to a better constructed future. This tragedy rigorously tested my capacity to challenge the status quo, make realistic plans, take strong decisions and manage overwhelming emotions and, eventually, emancipated me from the prosaic episodes of self doubt.
Woohooo!!!strong essay!!!No wonder you are a graduate.I just had to look again to make sure i was still not on the undergraduate forum.Great job,concise essay.But i think there are few things you would want to consider.
I think your beginning sentence will be great if it was something like this(..I am only suggesting)...
I tried switching on the table lamp to banish the unusual gloom of a summer afternoon but my efforts proved futile.A bad omen,i guessed.Tired after several attempts,I leaned my torso against the sofa and reached for the ringing phone.
"... speaking..."My voice couldn't do any better in my tired state.
"This is Dr....I am sorry but he couldn't make it" a brittle voice at the other end of the phone wobbled.
Initially,i didn't believe it but few minutes later,the reality dawned on me.My father, the guiding light of my path was no more.I was shattered.
Still very young...
I don't know the word limit but you would have to remember that adcoms love essays that "show" instead of "tell". You would want to engage the reader while you keep your writing concise. * Atleast should be "At least". Apart from that great essay.I was really touched and you fully answered the question.Great job and good luck..
S.
