Statement of Purpose for M.Sc. application to UK universities - Mathematics

Good day all,

Please help me to review my SoP. I think I have a lot of grammatical errors and it may not flow so clearly.

Thanks in advance.

STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR UK UNIVERSITIES

Growing up in the country during my early years I was never the best at any subject. I barely passed the entry exam to gain admission in high school. While in first form I was called to read, and I was barely able to. It was then I realized I was no longer competing against my small community but against children from across the country. I worked so hard that year at the end I earned the top average in my class and second in my form of over 400 students. I remained at the top of my class and grade through 5th form. From this point on I knew I had the fortitude to pull through the most difficult adversities.

During my two years in sixth form me and my math teacher developed a strong relationship, one that would take me through university. I was the top math student at this point. He encouraged me along the actuarial career path as he had seen my deep passion for mathematics. I did my research and saw that this was the perfect mix for me to pursue my goal of becoming a leading performer in the financial industry.

My undergraduate studies provided comprehensive exposure to different facets of the financial and analytical fields. The courses in financial mathematics, time series analysis, mathematical modeling and software engineering sparked a deeper interest into the field because of their direct applicability and my investment interests. I also enjoyed writing programs and using these at skills to develop models and forecasts that were tested against real world data to assess the accuracy of models and how applicable my skills were.

I earned a XXX GPA and received scholarships for my outstanding academic performance along the way as well as my dedication to volunteerism and helping others. I was an active member of the big brother mentorship program which helped underprivileged students in poor relief center to help with homework, projects or troubled subjects. I now volunteer teaching mathematics to high school children in and around my community.

The _______ program at __________ I believe is perfect for me as it offers an in depth analytical study of mathematical tools necessary and provides the perfect mix of technical skills applicable to today's ever-changing field of finance. I was particularly drawn to this program because of its offering of -------- and ------- as a core modules and training by its renowned teaching staff of industry leading practitioners and faculty academics. Additionally, I intend to pass the CFA Level two exam in 2018 and level three along with my MSc. ---------- degree to give myself a head start over other candidate for top positions in companies. Having done my research, I was happy to see the high employability from the program and the many industry leading performers who have passed through the program. All these attributes have strongly convinced me that ____________ is the perfect place to pursue my master's degree.

During the last two years I have worked in capital market and business intelligence fields for two of the top companies in the country. One of these companies ---------- I assisted in performing the valuation for a $250Mn company that was subsequently listed on the Stock Exchange. The other ------------------ I analyzed data using VBA and SQL, the information drawn was used to develop segmented products which I subsequently managed. From these experiences I further developed my resolve and found that diligence and consistency are essential to succeed in what we undertake. I am determined to succeed in my pursuit of a master's degree and my career. I believe my experiences will give added value to the program.

I thank you in advance for your consideration.

Ryan, remove the first 4 paragraphs of this essay. The information you provide there are not important to a statement of purpose but could be of use in a personal statement. Set that information aside for future use instead. Your last 2 paragraphs will make excellent middle body paragraphs to your revised statement of purpose. These depict your reasons for choosing the university and also offers an insight into your professional foundation. What you need to do now is beef up the presentation by discussing how your college education helped to prepare you for this path. Discuss any notable accomplishments that you had during that time which will strengthen the idea behind your desire to continuously educate yourself in this line of work. Don't neglect to discuss any internships that you participated in, highlighting your accomplishments as an intern as well and how that training has helped you become a better professional. Make sure you create a strong college education and professional foundation for your interest in this field of work and why you feel that you need additional training in order to continue to work at your fullest potential. If possible, explain how you plan to seek out career improvements over a period of time, normally 3-5 years after you graduate from this course. Informing the reviewer properly about your college, professional history, and future plans will go a long way in getting you considered for admission to the university masters course.

@Holt

Thank you Holt,

I will revise and re-submit in this thread. What do you think about using apart of the first paragraph as a hook?