Could you please help me improve this piece of writing, and do think it is suitable for thesis and non-thesis program?
pursuing a master degree in Mechanical Engineering
One night I was studying, when suddenly the electricity went off. In the dark, I was thinking about energy and how this basic element of nature can be used to power almost everything. Moreover, I watched a TV program about global warming and how the human activities accelerated this climate change by burning fossil fuel to produce power which has led to destroy our habitable earth. I realized that I have to contribute to solving some of the major problems and challenges our world is facing now particularly the energy crisis and climate change. I start my academic life towards achieving my dreams and that led me to pursue a degree in Mechanical Engineering. Inevitably, Mechanical Engineering has equipped me with combined fundamentals and concepts that can be used in board disciplines especially subjects related to energy and sustainability.
I strongly believe that pursuing a master degree in Mechanical Engineering at XXXX University will further develop and enhance my knowledge and my research competence. It will enable me to employ my ideas and concepts to solve a real-world problem. For example, when I was working as a Teaching Assistant at XXXX University, I realized that the number of injured people has dramatically increased due to the current war in Yemen. There was a rabid demand for wheelchairs for disabled people, particularly electrical ones. Although powered wheelchairs are available in the market, their prices are extremely high of around 2300$. So, I encouraged my students in to work on manual wheelchairs to change them from being driven manually to be driven electrically by adding locally manufactured parts which are price-competitive. Our local electric wheelchairs are only 650$ price. Now, this postgraduate study will extend my research-skills to all sorts of problems and challenges in the world.
In this master degree, I will conduct my research interests which are mainly about energy and environment in the Middle East. Although the Middle East has the world third reserves of oil and gas, it is our roles to shift our interests to renewable energy because of the negative impacts of fossil fuel on our environment. In addition, the renewable energy resources in the Middle East are abundantly available and can be harnessed to meet our ever-increasing demand for energy. This degree will qualify me personally and intellectually to further develop renewable energy projects in our region. One example is to cofound a research center in Yemen at XXXX University with the collaboration with the General Department of Renewable Energy at the Ministry of Electricity and Energy as well as with international cooperation of other universities like XXXX University. This research center will advance the goal of renewable energy technologies by providing leadership, research, and development in renewable energy projects in Yemen and the Middle East.
During this course, I plan to conduct advanced scientific researches related to Mechanical Engineering especially energy-related topics. In the laboratory experiments, I will aim to develop new technologies responsible to enhance the thermochemical properties of fluids used in automobiles, heat exchangers....etc. This can be accomplished through the innovative and promising solutions of the smallest scale the Micro and the Nanoscale. For instance, we can enhance the heat transfer in heat exchangers by using nanofluids that can be used in solar power plants. Also, we can enhance the mechanical properties of materials used for making wind turbines Nanocomposite of fiberglass materials.
Besides my academic and research excellence, I am an active person in the university community. I like socializing and working with diverse people. Also, I am good at playing soccer and currently I am a captain of a team that participated in more than one hundred matches in my neighborhood, Sana'a, Yemen. Furthermore, I like writing poems in both Arabic and English. Truthfully, I am very enthusiastic about Arabic poetry and literature. When I was in level 3, I have participated in a competition for poetry, stories, and novels writing. I have worked hard to write some poems to win this competition, but unfortunately, none of the participants won. They have informed us that due to political reasons they have to cancel it. Writing has helped me grow emotionally and intellectually. When I write I feel the tranquility and peace of life. It strengthened my sensitivity and my writing skills.
In conclusion participating in this program at the XXXX University which is one of the top research-intensive universities in the world, will get and extract the best out of me academically and socially. It will enable me to serve my community with researching and studying with different people from around the globe.
I like your essay, it describes your vision and why do you want to apply to the programme you have chosen. I think the second paragraph presents a convincing argument from your personal experience and the fourth paragraph demonstrates the reader that you can put in good use knowledge you are going to obtain in the university.
I would suggest you elaborate the question why did you choose this university. It is easier to propose than to realise (to be honest an abiturient simply does not possess enough information to justify his choice with facts), yet still, it is something that the reviewer expects to find in your essay. I would also recommend you to consider rewriting the first paragraph (from my point of view it is not very persuasive and could easily be omitted)
this master degree, I will ...
... because of the negative impacts of fossil fuel on our environment.
Maybe it is not the negative impact of fossil fuel itself, but the negative impact of its production or consumption?
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,531 3446
Kareem, since this is a personal statement, it doesn't need to be this long. There are only a number of paragraphs in this essay that are necessary for you to complete the personal statement. Since you asked for help in improving the presentation, you should use only the following paragraphs from this version: paragraphs 2,5, 6. Develop more information in paragraph 6 regarding your choice of university. Right now, that is the weakest part of the personal statement. What are your personal reasons for choosing this university aside from the obvious information taken from the websites and YT? This is only a personal statement so only a representation of your interest in mechanical engineering from the post college level should be discussed in summary form. You can try to insert more information about the development of your interest in the masters course based upon your current work experience. Another bit of information might be what this essay needs to boost the interest level in it. The reason your essay will be so short is because this is just a personal statement. The extended discussions are always in the motivational letter and and Statement of Purpose essays. As to your question about thesis and non-thesis applicability, you may or may not use this personal statement depending upon the instructions that will be given to you. If no specific instructions are given, then you can use this essay for it.