up to this point you have not said what your goal is to the reader. Better say it in one of your earlier sentences.
I think another sentence should be added to that very short first paragraph. Add a brief, quick, intriguing sentence that hints at your main idea, your main interest or intention.
I wish to earn an MS degree in Computer Science, as it would provide an opportunity to extend my interest and knowledge in Embedded Systems to new heights.
This!! This should be part of that intro paragraph. This should be part of the main idea. The reader can only gain ONE big idea from the essay, so express this in the first paragraph and let the rest of the essay support that main idea.
Give the reader a FULL idea at the beginning, and use the rest of the essay to give details. :-)