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Cautiouswriter 1 / 3 1  
May 25, 2019   #1

Applying master's degree in Biomedical Engineering

Hello, please I am not much of a writer and I will be glad if my statement of intent is reviewed. I am limited to approx 300 words for the essay hence the length. Thank youuuuu!

I would like to undertake a master's degree in Biomedical Engineering as I am keen to further more in this line of study. I choose to pursue this degree at University of XXX because it is ranked among one of the leading universities. Not only does University of XXX have outstanding research facilities, I believe they operate on a level of transparency, and are welcoming of a diversity of students.

Biomedical engineering was not initially my interest, but I started to develop a passion for it. I became fascinated by the juxtaposition of Engineering and the Biological system. My curiosity grew during my undergrad studies at XXX. I began to further dive into the field and realized that I was enthralled by it. My interest in the sub field biomedical imaging developed in my 3rd year during my internship program, where I worked at a turnkey medical device company. There I got more familiar with various imaging equipment, it was fascinating to finally match the theory I was taught in the classroom to reality. Consequently, I became very intrigued in how imaging techniques creates visual representations of the internal body and display functions of some tissues and organ systems.

Due to the complexity of comprehension of the causes of some medical conditions, Biomedical engineering has really made understanding of these foreign bodies and the body in general easier especially through imaging. The application of engineering principles to the medical world has definitely created a positive turn around in living today, I find this very intriguing and I am eagerly dedicated to further pursue a successful career in this field. It would be of much joy and honor that I am able to further my studies at University of XXX because I hope not only to gain from the knowledge of the outstanding professors in the university, but to also be able to further a successful career, and make an input in the pursuit of better, improved health.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
May 25, 2019   #2
Hi there!

Welcome to the forum. Let me help you with your essay.

First and foremost I recommend that you try to have simpler sentence structures if you still cannot grasp complex ones. Writing does not necessarily mean that you have to solely stick to baffling structures. If you can focus on having an organic flow, you'll be able to have more grasp over the content that you have.

Avoid having repetitive clusters of thoughts in your sentences. Doing this will enable you to optimize the space you have in your essay. This is crucial, especially because you are working within word counts. The constraint should be taken care of.

Additionally, add more enthusiasm to the tone of your essay. While it's important that you showcase a level of elegance in your text in terms of having academic standards, it's also beneficial to be perceived as having sufficient passion for the field that you want to partake in.

Having said that, let's try to revise a few portions of your essay.

I am writing this essay with the intention of taking up Master's in Biomedical Engineering. The [xxx university name] is ranked as one of the leading universities with its outstanding research facilities.*

*I do not think it's necessary to mention that there is a diverse student population; this is not particularly relevant in the discussion. Instead of putting this into the essay, I would opt that your content on ideas that are relevant to your intention to join the program. Learning to omit lines that are irrelevant would be beneficial as well.

While this engineering field was not initially my interest, I began developing passion for it. I was fascinated with the juxtaposition of engineering and the biological system. During my undergraduate studies, I was enthralled by biomedical imaging developments, especially as I had worked for a medical device company. [...]

Doing small things like integrating your sentences can go a long way in creating more precise/concise/efficient sentences. Being able to have hold over this will let you create more substantiated and in-depth content.

Best of luck as always in your writing endeavors.
OP Cautiouswriter 1 / 3 1  
May 26, 2019   #3
Thank you very much Maria. I will do well to heed to those corrections made.