Hi everyone, I am applying for an MBA Foundation program where I need to write a personal statement of at least 500 words. I have drafted something and would appreciate your constructive feedback.
the few initial steps
I pursued my primary and secondary education at the cost of my life. While I was at school most of the time, awful clashes took place between two opposing parties opening fire on each other utilizing light and heavy weapons, and we as children were screaming and running as fast as we could while the area was being bombarded. But, despite all the obstacles, I had some profound academic and career progression to a point where I managed to obtain a bachelor's degree and secure a job in a competitive job market. I have received numerous job promotions, and am currently working for one of the top private banks as HR Coordinator, leading the personnel administration unit; dealing with ~1500 active employees across Afghanistan.
Nevertheless, there is still a lot to do. Decades of war in Afghanistan had left the country with substantial challenges. Apart from the security, social and economic problems, corruption remains one of the biggest issues in both the public and private sectors. According to a recent survey by (Asia Foundation, 2019), 81.1% of the respondents say corruption is a major problem in Afghanistan. In addition, there are several other obstacles including but not limited to nepotism, favoritism, and other non‐professional behaviors that are leading to not only committing corruption but also creating an unhealthy working environment, hindering organizations' ability to function properly.
Currently, the chance of me landing on a senior position is limited due to the lack of required qualifications, where I cannot do anything significant. To tackle some of the biggest challenges, at the organizational level I have thought of possible solutions, one of which frequently comes to my mind is furthering my education particularly obtaining an MBA that will enable me to develop stronger leadership and people management skills, acquire greater communications skills, build stronger network and partnership. I firmly believe that the MBA Foundation and ultimately the Master of Business Administration program not only help me to gain the necessary competencies but also pave the way to land a job at the senior management (C-Level) with greater authorities, to bring some impactful changes. Particularly minimizing corruption, favoritism, and nepotism to the lowest possible extent through promoting professionalism.
Considering my past career achievements, I am sure that I will be able to address the majority of the aforementioned challenges upon obtaining my Master's degree. Although, it may require 3 to 5 years to acquire an MBA and do the necessary preparation, to secure a senior-level job in order to bring some concrete changes. Nonetheless, the longest journey always starts with the few initial steps.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,364 3368
Remove the reference to the researched information. That is not necessary in a personal statement. Your personal statement lacks a clarity of interest progression. You gave the reader a reference to your educational and career progression, but you failed to justify the growth of your personal and academic interest in this MBA. I understand that you tried to use the quoted reference for this aspect but it just didn't work. You need to get down to a personal basis for every aspect of this discussion. After all, it is called a personal statement.
You can use paragraph 1 and 3 in your revised essay. However, in-between those 2 paragraphs, you will need a developed discussion that pertains to what experiences you have had, personally and professionally that have helped you realize the importance of an MBA in this sector. Now, analyze the personal and professional discussion. How did those information help you decide on attending a specific university. The idea behind that paragraph, is to convince the reviewer that this university and course best suits your plans for your future in relation to your current work experience and projected future requirements of professionals working in this field. Do not include a motivation discussion at this point. That should be in a separate essay called the motivation statement or motivation letter.