Hi, I am applying to the MPH program in two universities and I need help in my personal statement, which need to state my prior education, related experience and my thesis research. One is unlimited words and one require only 250 words. Below is my final draft, which is 846 words. Please help me to review it and see how I could rewrite it in 250 words for second PS.
Thank you very much.
It began when I had finished my first year university. Like most of students, eager to gain experience, I decided to join the student club and participate in different school events. I went to help all school events, from talking shows to ceremonies and parties, but not too enjoy them. After all, I "thought" that this was more about social experience, not much related to my study. Since I was studying Pharmaceutical Management, I thought that I was going to work in drug companies. In fact, I was still unsure about what I need to focus and what I should do.
Then come to the day I visited Children Aid Home as part of school event for orphanage. Like most of my classmate, However, I found very difficult to reach to children here. I do not know which disabilities they have and shy to ask the caregivers. In the first time, I had a thought that I was underestimate what is called "volunteer".
At the time when I started to give up, I met couple of exchange students from Kenya and New Zealand. I was surprised to see that they could communicate with disability children though they did not study in specialty healthcare and even more, they did not remember how many work and project that they have joined. A truly volunteer would not bother how many project that they help. They just come to do all what they could help. Two different countries with two different economic level, I never thought that they were so alike in opinion. Each minutes talking with them, I feel that I was so naïve. I started to remind myself and realized, how careless and robotically I am during volunteer. Volunteer is giving a hand willingly, but I had made it like a duty to fill up my resume. It does not mean that volunteering in NGOs or public health would not be benefit to a Pharmaceutical business student. The minor subject in business management is also a big help if I could know how to use it. I have a board interest in many field: healthcare, nutrition, diet, gardening, art and music. Why would I not use it? Rather than looking in one way, I started to open my eye and see what I could learn and what I could achieve based on my own knowledge.
I started to go hospital, clinic, nutrition department, not as "duty volunteer" or "experience seekers", but as an individual student who need to learn. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked to shadow the process of clinical interview to watch the reaction of participants. I went to the gym to listen and to know how people maintain their health and control their disease with diet and activities. I asked for the advice from volunteers, from a third world country to a developed country, to know the health problems occurs in real life. I joined in the business trip of my family company in furniture production, to see with my own eyes about what is behind the glory words about worker healthcare and benefit. Not all information were needed for my graduation research, but the knowledge I gained was far more than in the books.
Time goes by, I had become a different person. I went to volunteer as Science explainer in Science Centre Singapore. It was not an easy work as I thought. Half of the visitor here could not communicate in English, most are children. I met the similar problem, but I was not merely a "CV filler" before. This time, I was not only a listener, but also a guilder. I presented my knowledge in chronic disease to visitor, give them a guide in healthy eating and show the kids how to grow their vegetable at home. At the time I saw their sparkling eyes while listened to my talk, their laugh when harvested their own plan and their eager to find answer for their childish question, I feel that I found my real way.
It is not about interest or hobbies, it is what I can do it. Public Health is not only about cure the disease in poor country. It's also include making a good foundation in human and economy resources for building a better healthcare system and guiding people to live better in their environmental conditions. To do this, I cannot only go to volunteer several hours a week and sit in front of the laptop for freely online course. I need to study in system and a guide to learn how to use my knowledge in correct way.
"Better late than never", I may not study Public Health from the beginning but that would not stop me to go for healthcare way. By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunities to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to gain necessary skills to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition project for worldwide population.
Hi Ngoc, see if this 247 word edit of your paper works for you. If it doesn't, revise the content with additional information that you deem important and then I will help you polish the essay so that it will meet the maximum word count. Here is what I developed for you:
I visited the Children Aid Home as part of a school event for orphanages. I found it very difficult to reach the children there. I did not know that they were special needs children and I had no idea as to what disabilities they have and I was too shy to ask the caregivers. For the first time, I underestimated what was supposed to be a "volunteer" school activity.
I started to give up. Then, exchange students from Kenya and New Zealand surprised me because they could communicate with the children though they did not specialize in healthcare. I realized how careless and robotic I was as a volunteer. I started to open my eyes and see what I could learn and what I could achieve based on my own knowledge.
Public Health is about creating a good foundation in human and econoic resources in order to build a better healthcare system that guides people to live healthier in their environmental conditions. To do this, I need to study a in system that will teach me howaccomplish this task properly
I may not have studied Public Health from the beginning but that did not stop mefrom entering the field of healthcare. By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with a modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunity to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition projects for the worldwide population.
Thanks you, Vangiespen. I have added more detail about the education and thesis research, as these were requirement parts of the essay. It comes with 460 words. Please take a look of the edited essay. Any feedback would be appreciate.
It began when I had finished my first year university. Eager to gain experience, I decided to join the student club and participate in different school events even though I was not willing to do it much. Although my major subject is Pharmaceutical Management, I was still unsure about what I need to focus on. This made me find difficult to when choosing the topic for my dissertation.
I visited the Children Aid Home as part of a school event for orphanages. I found it very difficult to reach the children there. I did not know that they were special needs children and I had no idea as to what disabilities they have and I was too shy to ask the caregivers. For the first time, I underestimated what was supposed to be a "volunteer" school activity.
I started to give up. Then, exchange students from Kenya and New Zealand surprised me because they could communicate with the children though they did not specialize in healthcare. I realized how careless and robotic I was as a volunteer. I started to open my eyes and see what I could learn and what I could achieve based on my own knowledge.
I started to go hospital, clinic and nutrition department, not as "duty volunteer", but as an individual student who need to learn. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked to shadow the process of clinical interview to watch the reaction of participants. I went to different volunteer groups of exchange students and abroad interns, to seek for their advice and to learn different experiences in healthcare around the world. I went to the gym to gather information about diet plan of different family type and health problems that occurs.
Not all information were needed for my graduation research, but the knowledge I gained was far more than reading in the book. I then not only finished my dissertation research in Functional foods, but I also find a real direction for me in future.
Public Health is about creating a good foundation in human and economic resources in order to build a better healthcare system that guides people to live healthier in their environmental conditions. To do this, I need to study a in system that will teach me how accomplish this task properly with my knowledge.
I may not have studied Public Health from the beginning but that did not stop me from entering the field of healthcare. By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with a modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunity to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition projects for the worldwide population.
Ngoc, are we editing the essay for the unlimited word count response for the time being? I edited the word count down so that you can use it for your 250 word essay. Please let me know if I need to revise the essay to comply with that word count as well. In the meantime, I will be editing the grammar for the parts that you added below:
I began exposing myself to the world of hospitals, clinics and nutrition departments not as "duty volunteer", but as an individual student who had a thirst for learning. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked if could be allowed to shadow the process of clinical interviews so I could document the reaction of participants. I joined different volunteer groups composed of exchange students and foreign interns to seek their advice and to gain different experiences and perspectives regarding healthcare around the world. I went to the gym to gather information about diet plans for various body types and exercise plans for different ailments that occurs in their clients.
Not all of the information I gathered were needed for my graduation research, but the knowledge I gained was far more than the information contained in the books that I read. I then not only finished my dissertation research in Functional foods, but I also found a real direction for myself in terms of my future.
Dear Vangiespen, for the unlimited essay, thank you so much for your help in grammar checking.
As for the 250 words essay, the requirement is also describe education, related experience, research and reason why apply to the degree. I feel difficult about the 250 words essay, as it requires so much but with limited words. After the updated your edited, I counted it become 485 words. I want to see what I need to do to reduce it as much as possible.
Thank you again for your help. Hope everything is ok and also, happy new year!
Ngoc, this essay is 233 words. See if it works for you. Add any information that you feel is required and I will help you edit it down to 250 words so you can submit the essay :-) Here is what I developed for you:
I visited the Children Aid Home as part of a school event for orphanages even though my major was Pharmaceutical Management. I did not know that they were special needs children and I had no idea as to what disabilities they have and I was too shy to ask the caregivers. For the first time, I underestimated what was supposed to be a "volunteer" school activity.
I started to go hospitals, clinics and nutrition departments, not as "duty volunteer", but as an individual student who needed to learn. I met different doctors and nutrition experts, asked to shadow the process of clinical interviews to record the reaction of participants. I went to different volunteer groups of exchange students and foreign interns, to seek for their advice and to gain a perspective regarding public healthcare around the world.
Public Health is about creating a good foundation in human and economic resources in order to build a better healthcare system that guides people towards a healtheir lifestyle. To do this, I need to study a in system that will teach me how accomplish this task properly with my knowledge.
By applying the Master Degree in Public Health in a developed country with a modern healthcare system, I will have a great opportunity to develop my knowledge, as well as to be trained to successfully work and develop healthcare and nutrition projects for the worldwide population.
Dear vangiespen, I guess I should be able to write a good statement now. May I ask if anythings in my PS content is fit now?
Ngoc, that is actually a question you should be asking yourself. You of all people should know if the essay that you are reading already responds as best as you can to the prompt, offers a complete picture of who you are as a person in relation to the prompt, and gives you the confidence to believe that the response developed is one that will help you become a strong contender for admission.
As far as I am concerned, the essay is fit for use and ready for submission. My point of view is that we have done all of the work that can be done in terms of preparing this essay to make you a strong candidate for admission. There does not seem to be anything else remaining to be said, to be adjusted, or to be revised. You can already submit this essay for consideration in my opinion.
is there anything else in the essay that you think you want to adjust, change, or add? If you feel that way even a little, then the essay is not yet ready to submit. This essay will only be ready to submit when you have complete confidence in the content of the essay :-) Again, I think you can submit this already. if you agree with me, then go ahead and submit this immediately :-)
