Personal statement for MSc in Computer Science, plans for the future

Hi everyone, I hope you are having a good day. I am applying for MSc in CS and part of the requirements is a personal statement (motivation letter). I have managed to complete it, however, I am not sure about it's technical and/or grammatical mistakes, I would appreciate if you guys can help review it for me. Thank you.

Personal Statement for MSc in CS

Over the past few decades technology has been used as a tool to bring the world closer together and to help solve some of our greatest challenges in various aspects. With successful companies now using information technology (IT) to improve their business and gain competitive advantage, I want to acquire the learning that will enable me to contribute to the development of systems, which can ease as well as improve the efficiency and accuracy of work in varied field. Thus, I intend to pursue an MSc in order to reach that goal.

In Computer Science field, any amount of learning would be incomplete without hands-on practice and experience of programming. In this regard, I completed various research-oriented and mini-projects both out of my own interest and also as a part of the requirements for some of my bachelor degree courses. I believe this has instilled in me the value of time management (doing the right thing at the right time) hard work (necessity to produce results), discipline (necessity to finish tasks before deadlines), and persistence (necessity to sail through unproductive periods) as well as broadened my interest range and ken of knowledge and research. It makes me more receptive to new ideas and adept at understanding difficult concepts and theories. My academic performance can fully testify to that with an average mark of 76% and overall GPA of 3.83/4.00, thus earning my degree in Software Engineering with the grade "First Class".

Furthermore, active participation in a wide range of extracurricular activities has ensured all-round development of my personality. I play table tennis as a hobby, I also enjoy playing football, badminton, and volleyball. Proactive in my approach to learning, I have also completed Project Management Diploma which has helped me developed a thorough insight into project handling.

The all too short 3-year undergraduate program cannot truly make me master of all the sophisticated computer skills to perform effectively and excel in today's competitive job market. I want to consolidate my academic foundation and further improve my computer expertise for a rewarding career. For this, MSc in Computer Science would be of prime importance.

The developments in IT across a wide variety of fields have enabled collection and processing of vast amounts of personal data, such as credit and medical history, shopping habits, driving records, and criminal records. This information is undoubtedly very useful in many areas. However, there is an increasing public worry about the individuals' privacy.

The appearance of technology for Knowledge Discovery in Database and Data Mining (KDD/DM) has revitalized concern about some of the general privacy issues such as handling misinformation, secondary use of the personal information, and granulated access to personal information. Thus, the KDD/DM demonstrate that existing privacy laws and policies are well behind the developments in technology, and no longer offer adequate protection. So in my MSc at [Uni name], I want to focus on Knowledge Discovery in Databases and Data mining (KDD/DM), specifically the privacy concerns in KDD/DM and the possible measures that need to be put in place in order to minimize those concerns. I am confident that my exposure to such initiatives at [Uni name] would increase my knowledge base and add tremendous value in enabling me to pursue my professional goals and this constitutes the true motivation behind my present application.

Right now, I am an ordinary student but I do not want to remain ordinary. I want to excel and scale new heights, and "The best way to learn is to learn from the best". I firmly believe the kind of knowledge and experience that I will acquire at [Uni name] will give me the skills and the caliber to excel but also shape me to be a better thinker and learner. The practical orientation of your in-depth work will allow me to gain a vibrant understanding of the subject.

After obtaining MSc. in Computer Science, my goal is to work in an IT-related organization. When I have gathered sufficient experience and skills, I plan to build a company of my own. I am very optimistic about the future of my start-up, by being there. Attending this program will enable me to carve a niche for myself in the industry along with deepening my expertise and broadening my perspectives. Thus, I sincerely request the esteemed Admissions Committee to favorably consider my application and provide me with a suitable platform for the attainment of success in my desired field.

Mubarak, you have accidentally included information that should be in your statement of purpose in this motivational / personal letter. In this instance, that is actually a good thing because you will have a starting point for your revised and more focused motivational letter. You don't really have to be extensive in presentation since this is a letter and not a statement so using a total of 5 paragraphs or less will be sufficient. As far as I can tell, the following are the sections that can help you write a new motivational letter:

1. Over the past few decades technology...I intend to pursue an MSc in order to reach that goal.
2. The all too short 3-year undergraduate program ...For this, MSc in Computer Science would be of prime importance.
3. I want to focus on Knowledge Discovery in Databases and Data mining (KDD/DM), ...motivation behind my present application.

In addition to this information, you should include information about what motivated you to apply at this particular university. It doesn't need to be delved into deeply, but an insinuation as to the reasons you chose it should be made as the in-depth reason should be presented in the SOP. If you revise the essay in this manner, then the motivation letter should fall into place in the next draft.

Thanks @Holt. I am somehow confused about SOP, Personal statement, and motivation letter, I think I read something on the internet that seems to explain both the three as the same thing, I will appreciate if you can distinguish them for me.