Hi everyone, my name is Haris from Indonesia.
I'm going to apply for MSc in Information Systems at King AbdulAziz University, Jeddah, KSA.
Actually, I already applied for this master program back in 2015, but I didn't make it. Here is my statement of purpose, and I would really appreciate some criticism, feedback, or general comments so I can improve this letter. Thank you in advance for any comments!
My name is Abdul Haris, applying for the Master Program in Information Systems at King Abdulaziz University (KAU). My career ambition is to become an information systems expert and also an entrepreneur. My dream is to build a world-class application that has a direct impact on people's lives in Indonesia.
I have completed my undergraduate study in Information System at Faculty of Computer Science, University of Indonesia (UI) in 2013. My GPA is 3.09 (4 scale). After graduated, I was still assisting Manager of Research Division Dr. Eng. Wisnu Jatmiko as a research assistant for six months and then started a career in a software solution provider for banking industries PT Wincor Nixdorf Indonesia as a software consultant until now.
I always try to give my best in every work and responsibility. People know me as a hardworker and a positive thinking person because I am always doing my work passionately with a big motivation to try giving my best for betterment of people's lives. During my study in UI, I have always been involved in many organizations. Those organizations taught me to be passionate in my works and activities, to be always learning something from every activity, and to give my best for betterment of my organization and people. Also with joining many organizations, I could learn led by a good leader to be a great leader.
I am fortunate to have an exciting opportunity in performing research as a research assistant at Faculty of Computer Science in UI in 2013. Working as a research assistant gave me more exposure to the world of research as I had managed to write a scientific paper and built applications that help people in mosque and university. The first one is financial management web app for Imam Bonjol Mosque in Depok, Indonesia and another one is research and journal database application for UI. Currently, I'm working as a software consultant at PT Wincor Nixdorf Indonesia which gives me more exposure to the implementation of software engineering in business process. During my period of working, I have been involved in several projects and had chances to interact with various people with a variety of job positions.
Now, I want to focus on a Master program which offers a broad range of subjects and electives, such as business administration. I want to study at KAU because of your outstanding educational system, focus on gathering relevant work experience, and your excellent facilities and research centers. Most importantly, this program provides me with insight into technical business management combining with computer science so that I can improve my managerial and analytical skill. After graduating from KAU, I'm looking for more experiences and knowledge by working in a renowned IT company either in Jeddah or back to Jakarta, Indonesia. All of the above is very important and influential in achieving my dream.
I am sure to exceed your expectations, because of both my academic and interpersonal skills as well as the experiences gained from my research and my job. Furthermore, my international background and interdisciplinary education will add more diversity to your program. I am confident that I will meet my career and personal goals while studying at KAU.
Thank you for considering my application, and I look forward to your acceptance.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 11,194 3644
Haris, I believe that you have chosen to present the purpose of your study at the start of the essay. However, the paragraph remains too short and not very informative. The information should be more comprehensive in scope and explanation as to how it relates to your current employment and future undertakings. Without that information, the paragraph does not really offer any remarkable information regarding your purpose for study. .
Since this is a statement of purpose, when you mention that you are active in organizations, these organizations have to be mentioned by name and also, be connected with your current line of employment in order for it to actually be of consideration with your application information. If the organizations do not relate to your work, then it would be best to reserve that information for the personal statement essay that should accompany this application.
So you completed work on a scientific paper? Was it published? If it was, then you need to highlight that information as part of your skills. Mention the article title, the publication, and the date of publication, along with a summary of the topic you discussed. Being a published author is always a notable accomplishment that the reviewers tend to take note of.
In the portion where you explain why you are interested in enrolling at KAU, remove the more commonly known information and instead, present specific reasons that you chose the university. Mention the training programs, specific professors you hope to learn from, or any important or unique asset of the university program that you feel will help enhance your skills upon graduation.
The rest of the essay content is acceptable and relevant enough. However, you do not really need the current last paragraph to close on. That information is best suited for your personal statement (if required). Keep the focus of this paper only on your academic, professional, and purpose side of the discussion.