Hey everyone,
I am applying to a Master of Science from the University of Manchester. I have written statements before, but the fact that it has to be a "Personal" Statement has me be a bit confused in terms of the level of formality (even though I am aware that it is a piece of writing intended for a University, so I suppose at least contractions shouldn't happen...) or appropriate language / terminology.
So I am enclosing what I wrote, heading it with what the University's website says regarding the Personal Statement.
I appreciate the feedback and hope to be helpful to others!
University of Manchester - personal statement
A personal statement detailing why you wish to study the course, your experiences, what you can bring to the course and any other information that you see as relevant to your application
My name is XX and I am applying to the 2018/2019 cycle of the Master of Science in Management and Implementation of Development Projects. I would like to describe in the following paragraphs how my academic and professional background, as well as my career goals, are not only aligned with the objectives proposed in your programme, but also why I think my inclusion in next year's class would be mutually beneficial.
I have been working with international cooperation projects for over five years, ever since I graduated from the University of Buenos Aires (UBA), either for the public, private or third, non-governmental sectors. I found this area to be something that I could truly flourish at, since from the moment I finished my degree in Political Science I knew that I wanted to be a practitioner rather than a theoretic. I am currently a part-time consultant, working as a technical assistant in a community-based project, which funded by the Inter-American Development Bank (IDB). I also hold another part-time consultant position working for various organizations within Rio Negro Province's Ministry of Economy in design and implementation of international cooperation projects.
It is within this context that I consider the Masters programme as a key element in enhancing many experiences and skills acquired through my work. I appreciate the Masters aim to explore the international development management from not only an infrastructure capacity point of view, but also specializing in social and economic development, encompassing the entire project cycle stages. I also value the linkages between teaching hard and soft skills with many practical opportunities to perfect them, through group work, project-based reports and on-site experiences. Overall, I value the combination of different activities and the variety of sources for content with a more "hands-on" approach towards obtaining a qualification. In earnest, for me this is what sets this programme apart from its SEED counterparts, and why I am choosing to apply for it specifically.
I also believe that my background and experiences would be valuable contributions to the exchanges with peers and professors within the Master's community. Coming from Latin America, I have a sound knowledge of its context and current affairs, more specifically the development-related challenges that the region has been facing in recent years. Likewise, working in a project-based environment has given me an insight into the challenges what it means to implement a successful project or action to achieve specific outcomes.
As an example of what I would be able to bring into discussion, from my technical assistant position at an internationally-funded, community-based project, I have also been handling the financial responsibilities regarding disbursements, external audits, periodic reports and financial statements for the last 18 months, following an internal restructure. The original project coordinator was replaced, and the external consultant dealing with the project's finances resigned. As someone that had been there from the beginning, my expertise was paramount in enabling a successful transition between teams. I was also able to effectively convey the project's core values to the newest members of the team. Moreover, with the know-how of administrative and managing procedures, I gained the confidence to tackle the challenge of keeping the project operational. Finally, I recently drafted a proposal for a second project, which has already been pre-approved by the Multilateral Investment Fund (MIF), and have been contributing to the development of the project's long-term sustainability.
I have clear goals to strengthen my present professional collaborations once I have completed the Master's degree. My long-term objective is that it will facilitate, firstly, a qualitative jump in my career towards achieving a level of seniority that will allow me to take on higher level positions (as project supervisor, manager or director in public sector or community-based initiatives). Secondly, I aspire to promote opportunities for better and stronger collaborations between Rio Negro province and its local governments, with their potential UK counterparts. Given both countries' close ties and mutual interests, I trust that I could encourage exchanges in (among other areas) trade and investment, scientific research and development and decentralised cooperation, especially because I am interested in applying what I learn in a broad range of projects. I would find SEED's network in these areas very valuable as well to pursue such endeavours.
For all these reasons, I sincerely hope that you take an interest on my application, and allow me to become part of your academic community next year.
Thank you in advance for your consideration.
Kind regards,Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Melisa, you have a number of presentations here that go into overkill mode because they are better suited for the Statement of Purpose. A Personal Statement should, for all intents and purposes, focus mostly on the development of your interest in the course and the other specific requirements as proposed by the prompt of the university. With such a detailed outline set out for you, it is very easy to see where the essay can be cut. You don't have to think about adding any more information because the essay is already highly informative as it is.
The first throw away paragraph in this essay is the first paragraph. You need not introduce yourself at this point because the reviewer knows who you are as he is holding your application file at the moment. In an effort to maintain his interest or make him interested in your essay, you must start off with relevant information in the first paragraph. That means, you should kick off the essay with the current second paragraph. From there, it is just a matter of using the more appropriate paragraphs in order to create a more relevant and easy to read essay.
So, start with paragraph 2. Move on to paragraph 4, and 5. The current concluding paragraph is more appropriate for a presentation of the 5 year career plan in the SOP. I would reconsider including that in this essay. Instead, for the conclusion, you have to explain the reasons why you chose to seek admission to the University of Manchester. Base that concluding statement more on why you feel that you will be inspired to study as a student there rather than at some other university. So that means, you bring a revised version of paragraph 3 into play at this point. Adjusting the content of the essay to be more relevant and appropriate will work more towards delivering a finalized version of your essay. I believe that your paragraphs are of an appropriate length because it informs the reviewer about information that you feel is important. If you shorten the presentation, you may end up changing the meaning of the paragraph or not delivering a clear enough of an explanation to the reviewer. Keep the length for the usable paragraphs. It is clear and informative in its current form.
