Hi all!
My husband is getting ready to apply to several graduate schools. He is not the strongest writer, so I was wondering if any of you can give me feedback on his essay.
Here is it:
At the age of eight, my sister accidently struck me in the eye with a sharp pencil which left my eye severely damaged. Over the next year, I underwent extensive treatments and surgeries, exposing me to some of the most cutting edge diagnostic tools and treatment options available at that time, including a corneal transplant. Although this experience was somewhat difficult and painful, it has made such a lasting impact. I remember while waiting for one of my many checkups my mother showed me an article about my cornea specialist. There was a story about a blind chimpanzee that had been given his sight back by my specialist. I was truly amazed by this. It was at that moment that I knew I wanted to work in the medical field. As I grew older, my desire evolved into an interest in designing the tools like the ones used to repair my eye.
At an undergraduate level my interests became more focused. Although physics and chemistry always came easy to me, it was physiology, biomaterials, and engineering perspectives on biological systems that really grabbed my interest. I grew to have an interest in applications of biomaterials and tissue engineering. I found opportunities to participate in areas of research which allowed me to gain further insight into cell biology and biomaterials. I have also been able to direct my final undergraduate project toward biomaterials and applications for systems biology research and wound healing.
During my second year of undergraduate course work, I was able to complete a design project in cooperation with the M Hospital in ABC City. My team was asked to design a conceptual idea to help fight nosocomial infections in hospitals. Our team's design development involved the study of ultraviolet spectroscopy and applications for a handheld device that would scan hospital surfaces for bacteria. We were assigned a point of contact at the M Hospital to discuss project status and customer needs. Our final design concept was formally presented in front of a board from the hospital. This project taught me to communicate with the customer in development of customer needs and how to transform those needs into quantitative specifications. While completing the design process I developed greater passion for solving problems that have to potential to make a difference in the quality of patient care.
In building on my prior design experience I am currently working on my Capstone Design project. This project involves the development of materials with varying ECM composition, substrate stiffness and one or more additional micro-environmental cues such as growth factors or proteoglycans. These materials are intended for systems biology research applications as well as applications in wound healing. This project is done under the mentorship of Dr. C at XXX State University. Our discussions have included areas of benchmarking, addition of additional components and prioritizing specifications. I have gained more insight into the healing process and how different materials can assist in healing of chronic wounds. This project has furthered my interest in tissue engineering problems and how biomaterials can influence cell behavior.
In addition to the design projects above, I have had the opportunity to become involved in the Undergraduate Research Initiative (URI) at XXX State University. My research runs from June 2011 through May 2012 and has been carried out under the direction of Dr. P. The area of research that I am involved in is in cellular signaling. My specific focus on this project is to study the role of p130Cas kinase in endothelial cellular responses to substrates of different composition and stiffness. I also assist in performing protein extractions for the ELISA process as well as using Western and Dot blotting. Additionally, I have been exposed to some basics of cell culture as well as general lab processes. This experience also includes regular lab meetings with the lab PI and lab members for the purpose of discussing primary research articles and getting updates on the status of current research projects in the lab. Also, some of my research findings were formally presented in power point format in lab meeting and in a poster format during the Fall 2011 URI symposium. This experience was my first real long term exposure to research in the area of biomaterials and cell biology and was an important part of my decision to pursue the areas to tissue engineering and biomaterials.
On top of my studies related to Biomedical Engineering, I was able to complete my business minor from XXX School of Business. I believe this has given me a different perspective when approaching engineering problems. It has allowed me to incorporate finance, accounting, international business and managerial principles when addressing a problem. I believe this will help me to successfully manage my own research endeavors during my graduate education.
Unlike the many of my peers, my time during my undergraduate schooling was divided between full time classes, full time employment and my growing family As a result of this time division, I was forced to learn to juggle studying and assignments around a regularly scheduled work week and my many family obligations. I believe this has prepared me for similar situations that I would face in a graduate program including balancing class, research and any research or teaching assistantships. The ability to develop good time management and organization has allowed me to be successful in my education despite inevitable time constraints.
My employment experience has helped me to strengthen my communication skills as well as real life experience working as part of a team. I was in charge of underwriting and agent training for the telemarketing division of XXX Life Insurance Company. I helped implement program changes to bring the company into a more paperless method of operations as well as streamline the process for agents to submit telesales business.
My research and design experience in combination with my many time constraints and obligations have prepared me to be a strong graduate student. I can approach a graduate position with hard work and determination and my prior experiences including my Bachelors degree and minor, family responsibilities, research, and employment experiences have given me the tools necessary to succeed.
In choosing the University of YYY, I have been influenced by the reputation it holds in the area of bioengineering, particularly in areas of tissue engineering, biocompatibility, and development of artificial organs. I have spoken in detail with my mentors at XXX State University about the work University of YYY is doing in the area of wound healing, and tissue engineering including cutting edge research with scaffolding. Dr. P and Dr. C at XXX State University have spoken highly of Dr. W and Dr. B at University of YYY and some of the work being done. I was also privileged to attend a seminar by Dr. W in November of 2011 and I believe the research he is doing in regards to the cardio vascular system and preventing cardiomyopathy would be a very remarkable and fulfilling area of research. Dr. B's expertise in biomaterials and tissue engineering would also provide an excellent opportunity to grow in those areas. I am also very interested in the work the M Institute is doing in bringing cutting edge research to the market or clinic settings where it can help improve people's lives. University of YYY has a wealth of opportunities where I can successfully further my education goals while making a positive impact on the community. I am very excited to be given the opportunity to work with Professor W or some of the other professors in the department whose work would be an extension of the experience I have gained during my undergraduate studies and research opportunities.
Care to comment Kevin? Any other essay pros out there?
I really need some help as my husband has gotten little feedback from the professors he has given it to, but I still think it needs some work. I think I am burnt out on it because I just don't know what else to suggest.
