The goal is to sound convincing and prepared for the challenging PA program.
Also, English is my second language so probably there are some awkward expressions in the text.
Here is the essay:
Traveling back in time to when I first moved to U.S. from Bulgaria, I recall the obstacles on the way and recognize that they have mirrored my own growth and achievements. Even though leaving everything I know and everyone I love was not an easy choice to make, observing myself grow from a timid girl into a self-confident individual as a consequence, helps me to differentiate the things that matter the most in my life. I believe that what brings fulfillment to one person is not necessarily what makes another happy. Just like beauty is in the eyes of the beholder the fulfillment in my eyes comes from helping and caring for people. I desire to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant in order to fully use my talents, capacities and potentials to be in service of others
Throughout my years as a student, I worked as a child caregiver for numerous families. This job not only gave me a chance to become familiar with the psychological and physical aspects of children's development but also allowed me to recognize the needs and demands of other human beings. Nonetheless, it has helped me to realize that caring for others provides the caregiver with an emotional payback in the sense of personal fulfillment and self-worth.
In my attempt to learn more about the medical field, right after I finished my bachelor's degree I began to actively devote my spare time to volunteering at the Emergency Department of Children's Hospital of Philadelphia. There I have the opportunity to constantly interact with patients, work along side Child Life staff, observe the work of doctors, nurses, physician assistants, and pediatrics as well as experience emergency room settings. Prior to this, my familiarity with the health professions was based on my experience as a patient in physical therapy. At that time, I was able to examine what an important role a therapist plays in patient's physical but also emotional recovery.
The most essential fact I discover from my health care experience is how vital each health care member is to patient care, recognizing the individual commitment and dedication required for this profession. At the present, I have a deeper comprehension about how challenging the physician assistant profession is but having a better insight on what it feels like to be a patient makes me confident that I will strive to listen, take care and seek a specific solution for each patient. I am specifically interested in current trends in medicine that incorporate a holistic approach to traditional medication, therefore, providing each patient with more options for success in the pursuit of personal health. I hope one day to work as a physician assistant in multi-racial, multi-cultural and socially diverse urban settings, as I believe that as a minority myself, coming from an economically disadvantaged family, I will be able to relate to a variety of different backgrounds. Moreover, my knowledge of foreign languages will be tremendously beneficial in such environment. Based on my experience at CHOP, I consider medical practice within economically and racially diverse populations as extremely rewarding and fulfilling.
I am prepared to work hard and accomplish my ambition as I am in no doubt this is the most suitable academic path for me. Dedicating my life to the study of the human body in order to help others would be not only an exciting honor but also an opportunity to touch the life of others.
"Throughout my years as a student, I worked as a child caregiver for numerous families. "
Don't include "and continue to work" since you mentioned that this happened "Throughout my years as a student." Mention that you continue to do so in another sentence
I desire to pursue a career as a Physician Assistant in order to fully use my talents, capacities and potentials to be in service of others.
This is very general. It seems like a very typical, and sort of boring way to start.
I see that in your second sentence, you go right into talking about your child care work. I see that you are creating a theme of SERVING others, like you mentioned in that boring opening line.
Based on all that, I think it would be good to write a solid, beautiful opening paragraph about your personal philosophy. You must have had an experience that gave you a revelation: life is meaningful when serving others. I see that you have also had an experience(s) that showed you that you have a special talent for health care. It would be great if you could write a new intro paragraph... one that explains how your personal philosophy compels you to serve others, your talents and interests compel you to do so in health care, and THIS PARTICULAR SCHOOL's resources/faculty/programs make it absolutely the best place to build your foundation for this.
With an intro paragraph that captures these main points, the rest of the essay will seem brilliant. It does not seem awkward; you write very well in English!
Thank you!!!! I agree about the boring opening line. This is my new intro paragraph but am not sure if it is better. Also, I am not mentioning the name of any particular school because this is an essay for a general application, which goes to many schools.
However, now I am 500 words over the characters limit:( Any suggestions about how and what to shorten?
The opening lines are great! I like it; you have a way with words.
The most essential insight I gained from my health care experience was a realization about how vital each health care member is to...
The whole essay seems SO improved now. I do think it will be even better, though, if you mention a few resources or faculty members that make this school perfect for you. Even though you are sending it to many schools, you should tailor it to a few of your top choices and make a few versions! It's important! :)
This is very strong! I just have a few suggestions:
No comma after "consequence" in the first paragraph.
Start a new paragraph with "I believe that what..."
Add a comma after "beholder."
Change "payback" to "reward."
Start a new paragraph with "I am specifically interested..."
Again, this is excellent! You've shown experience, dedication, and -- most importantly -- empathy for others. You're a very strong candidate.
This is a very well-written essay. A couple of minor points you might want to consider, though:
"I recall the obstacles on the way and recognize that they have mirrored my own growth and achievements." Did the obstacles mirror your growth, or shape and accelerate it?
"Nonetheless, it has helped me to realize that caring for others provides the caregiver with an emotional payback in the sense of personal fulfillment and self-worth." "Nonetheless" seems like the wrong transition word here. Learning about the needs and desires of others isn't really apparently antithetical to the idea your sentence introduces.
Oh thank you. You are right, I also thought the first sentence didn't make much sense but could not figure out why it sounds wrong. I will use "especially" instead of "nonetheless" for the second sentence. Thanks again!!!
