Hey! I'm writing GRE in two days and I'd love some feedback on the essay I've written. On a scale of 1-6, where would it be? I know there are A LOT of spelling mistakes. Any advice would by most appreciated. Thanks!
Prompt: The best way for society to prepare its young people for leadership in government, industry or other fields is by instilling in them a sense of cooperation, not competition.
In a utopian world, everyone agrees with one another, there are no melees, quarrels or wars, and people coexist peacefully. However in reality, this is not the case. Everyone is guided by their own set of ideals and lead their lives based on what they believe in. Many a times, this may clash with someone else's ideals. Thus when grooming future leaders, it is not only important to teach them how to work with eachother, but also how to stand up for what they believe in, even if it requires them to go against someone else.
While it may be true that cooperation is the key to success, it must be realized that agreeing to what every other person says is not an ideal quality for a leader to possess. A leader must be able to convince others to follow him and instill in them a sense of veneration for said leader. A leader must be able to overcome all adversitites and come out on top. Competition between people allows others to decide for themselves who they wish to lead them.
A leader, when in office, has to deal with a myriad of problems and issues. Only through conflict and opposing view points can a solution be set forth that will satisfy everyone. In such cases, cooperation comes through competition. A middle ground between two opposing parties will be able to satisfy the general public better. A leader must be able to incorporate a variery of viewpoints and represent them correctly.
Also, healthy competition brings out the best in people. When they are under pressure to perform, they tend to work harder in order to keep their position as leader. Competition lets us know who the better man is, who is the one who can keep his head cool in a time of crisis. Someone who is cooperative and noncompetitive may make some questionable decisions related to foreign policy. This issue is seen prevalently in the Middle East. If the United States government decided to support Assad, they would be depricating ISIS, and vice versa. Yet both sides of the spectrum are easily bad. If our future leaders were only cooperative, such situations would be extrememly precarious for them.
On the other hand, if the leader becomes extremely careless with his actions and refuses to cooperate with anyone, he must be held accountable. If they were not held accountable for their actions, it would lead to chaos. For example, Hitler, excluding the fact that we was a maniac dictator, was an excellent leader. He convinced many that what he was doing was justifiable, yet because his ideals were far too discriminatory, he was overthrown. The reason he was able to rise to such a position in the first place was because of his strong belief that what he was doing was right.
In conclusion, doing away with competition and only instilling a sense of coorperation would prove to be for more detrimental than beneficial. A leader must possess a varitey of qualities and only through competition can we determine who embodies these qualities the best.
I won't focus on spelling mistakes because I know you can use spell check. I will focus on other areas.
1) The first paragraph just make sure to say "Many times" and correct a spacing issue because two words are together. This is a fantastic 1st paragraph!
2) Are you saying in the second paragraph that people are going to be naturally prone to follow a leader if he or she convinces others to do so and is respectable? You can phrase this how you want, but I need to understand as a reader if this is what you are trying to express.
3) In the third paragraph, your view is not that there won't be conflict, but that a leader must be like a mediator to help reach a mutual agreement. However, this may mean that out of competition or opposing views, comes cooperation because the leader is helping to facilitate these discussions.
(This is how I understand this third paragraph. Please revise if you feel this is not the points you were trying to convey)
4) I think that your view is against negative competition. Competition that is healthy seems to help people cooperate. Am I right? The third sentence in this paragraph can be linked by using "and" and deleting the comma. Read the sentence again with this change because I think it needs to be linked better.
5) Be careful about this example of a leader. It's too vague and since most people have read or know about this individual, I would have specific credible sources to cite from to back this statement. (I just want to give you this suggestion since this is for the GRE. I don't want to be critical, but I'm just want you to have the best possible essay.)
6) Really strong ending. You could add a few more sentences. My advice to you now is that your essay seems to make you have a balanced view of competition and cooperation. Read your essay one more time and see if this is what you were trying to express.
Your organization is really good throughout this essay. I think you are off to a very good start.
A couple notes -
At the end of your first paragraph, you need a clearer thesis. The prompt directly asks if cooperation or competition is the best way for a society to function. You need to state clearly which one you think is best
cooperation does not mean agreement, it means working with each other for the better good. So your sentence "While it may be true that cooperation is the key to success, it must be realized that agreeing to what every other person says is not an ideal quality for a leader to possess." should be re-worded.
use a colon here In a utopian world, everyone agrees with one another,; there are no melees, quarrels or wars, and people coexist peacefully. However in reality, this is not the case.
each other is two words.
Someone who is cooperative and noncompetitive may make some questionable decisions related to foreign policy .explain why. For example, I would argue that competitive people would make questionable decisions because they want to win so badly they will not compromise for the greater good. Could you explain why you think the opposite?
Hope this helps
Hey! Thank you for the help! You brought up great poinst! I shall certainly try to make sure my final essay has less holes in it than this one.
Haha the thing is, the main GRE provides no spell check, so that is a problem. Basically I was trying to convey that doing away with competition and only teaching young people how to cooperate won't work. I guess I should work on coherence more. But your analysis of what I was saying is pretty spot on so I'm glad. Thanks for your help again! I was also wondering, do you think I stuck to the topic? I got a bit lost halfway through the essay and I'm actually quite shocked I managed to complete it.
