Please review my essay: I would like to know if there's a better way of mentioning the three traits as a statement rather than a heading as headings disrupt the flow. For the last 2 traits, I have added 2 choices. I am not sure which one fits the description best. Your inputs/suggestions are valuable. Thanks
Essay Qn:"There is no cookie cutter version of what makes a successful leader-but there are ingredients that we know are absolutely critical. Ambition. The ability to collaborate. Ethics. Intellectual curiosity. Integrity. Social responsibility. An awareness of the global marketplace. The desire to stay current. A deep concern for the development of others. An open mind. A personal need to give back to the community. A creative spirit. Vision. These ingredients run through the existing community at the Villanova School of Business-and they are indicators of the type of students who are the best fit at VSB." Using a maximum of three traits in the Type V Personality, please describe yourself both personally and professionally and how you will contribute to the Villanova School of Business. Additionally, given these traits, please discuss what value you would add to the Villanova community and your peers as a member and leader of this incoming class.
I will begin with an interesting quote by John F. Kennedy which states that "Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other". A leader is someone who constantly learns from missteps, understands the strengths and weaknesses of the team, is deeply committed, motivates the team by recognizing the significant contributions of the team members, and drives the team to channelize it's strengths to achieve the goal.
The ability to collaborate
I have always liked working with people in teams, probably because a team work gives me a platform to understand people, their likes and dislikes, and what makes them tick. It is equally important for us to play different roles in different work groups as the situation demands. I agree that learning is a continuous process. However, one time when I learnt the most was during my Post Graduate Diploma in Management (PGDM). This experience taught me to collaborate, take charge of and responsibility of others, and stay focused. In March of 2009, I was doing my summer internship at Feedback Business Consulting, Bangalore, India. I was in a team of 4 students. Together, we were working towards developing CINDEX - India's first ever Comprehensive Index on customer experience at country level and regional level across various services/industries. Although I was the group leader, I worked on a gamut of market research activities: writing scope document, designing questionnaires, generating active cell phone numbers, collecting and cleansing data in MS Excel, and talking to the respondents. During my internship I made sure to keep an open mind to my colleague's ideas and appreciate my team member's innovative ideas by increasing their visibility and combining our intellectual strengths. Although it was a challenging assignment at first, the CINDEX project taught me valuable lessons: we must keep aside our egos and individual priorities and collaborate on the end result. As a collaborative member at Villanova University, I am looking forward to enrich my fellow participants by sharing my diverse professional experience working as a consultant with a leading IT services firm - challenges involved in designing a "single source of truth" finance module from a manufacturing industry perspective. I will also use my experience working in India to help my classmates understand the cultural nuances, thereby creating effective working relationships when working with a "global team".
Social Responsibility/ A personal need to give back to the community
I have dealt more than a fair share of tough circumstances in life and I am proud to say that I endured them all and came out stronger. I grew up in an Indian middle-class family where the perpetual emphasis was on striving for excellence in education, how to convert road-blocks into pathways to realize financial independence, and on learning to utilize the limited resources efficiently. I must credit my parents because they challenged conservative traditions that discouraged women from having big dreams of working in a multi-national organization and/or pursuing higher education by educating both their daughters. My personal experiences have sown the seeds of promoting gender equality in education and reducing socio-economic gap in India, and so I am currently volunteering at D.A.A.N foundation, India. My responsibilities include marketing activities such as market research and brand strategy, and increasing the online presence for cultural exchange programs and international volunteering. At Villanova, I will proactively participate in various finance student groups and empower women for a successful career in finance, thereby helping my peers to resolve gender-based challenges confidently at their workplace.
The desire to stay current/An awareness of the global marketplace
I like to keep myself updated on the current events that impact the global economy. I was forced into a break from my job at Infosys as I had to look after my father who was unwell at that time. Consequently, I had the time to passionately follow those interesting areas for which I could not find time before. I started reading several online articles, industry research reports, and academic white papers to understand the role of emerging Asian economies in the global space. According to a research article by IMF, the Asian economies are the drivers of the global growth. The 2007-2008 financial crisis grabbed my attention more because of its rippling effects on many countries in Asia. Presenting an impact of economic crisis on Indian economy in terms of exchange rate, foreign institutional investment, real estate, and stock market will aid my classmates in getting a magnified view and a truly global perspective of key economic events. Having a technology experience from India, I will help my peers understand the contributions of IT services and business process outsourcing (BPO) companies, exports, and economic reforms for the rise of the Indian economy globally. Various reforms in the banking sector such as expansion of operations of foreign banks in India and other foreign investments since the 1991 deregulation would definitely capture my peers' interest. In addition I am eager to discuss the current slowdown in the Indian economy, depreciating rupee, and the increasing pressure on the profitability of Indian banks and the perception of the global investors as part of a class case study/research report at Villanova. A value addition to this report would be the comparative study of 2 competing neighboring economies - India and China - reasons of economic slowdown and future financial investment opportunities.
Finally, I will utilize every opportunity to make a contribution to the Villanova student community. My skills, personal and professional experience, and understanding of the Asian economy from a global viewpoint will always be at the disposal of my fellow classmates, thereby making learning (inside and outside classroom) indeed a truly diverse and international experience.
Instead of headings, what you can do is make a thesis statement with three points at the end of your introductory paragraph and then use those three points as the topic sentence of your body paragraphs. That would tie your essay together and allow it to flow better. Other than that, you have a few grammatical errors.
"channelizeit'sits strengths to achieve the goal."
"I have always liked working with people in teams, probably because a team worksetting gives me a platform to understand people, their likes and dislikes, and what makes them tick."
"However, onethe time when I learntlearned the most was during my studies to get a Post Graduate Diploma in Management (PGDM)."
There are a few more of these errors, but the main thing you need to change is tying the essay together with a solid thesis and topic sentences.
I hope I was of assistance.
