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Urban Planning / Development - KGSP-G (Personal Statement)


Adartasov 1 / 2  
Jun 18, 2019   #1
Hello everyone, I would need help reviewing this application for a master's degree scholarship in Korea.

Motivation letter, Personal Statement, Statement of Purpose and other similar things are specific to my country, so I wrote them for the first time and I think I have a lot of errors in the semantic content.

Earlier, I failed, so I would be very grateful if you help me correct my shortcomings. And create a really strong statement.

My success and achievements = comfort and well-being of your cities =)

Thank you so much!!

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The presented text wrote close to the maximum amount of writing.

PERSONAL STATEMENT
o Motivations with which you apply for this program
o Your education and work experience in relation to GKS.
o Reason for studying in Korea
o Any other aspects of your background and interests which may help us evaluate your aptitude and passion
for graduate study or research.

maximum 1 page

Since childhood I enjoyed drawing, building snow castles in winter, studying the economic map of the world, where and what is extracted and produced. When I became a little older, I began to study geography at school and computer game SimCity appeared in my life. When entering university, I faced a tough choice where to go to make my major benefits people. And I have chosen urban construction and economy. In high school I was interested in computer technology, so I always wanted to deal with computers. But I decided that the construction is what will bring people comfort, warmth and safety. To enter the architecture department, I have not unfortunately obtained sufficient skills to draw and I entered the Urban Development (Civil Engineering) to gain skills and knowledge in field of Civil Engineering and drafting. During my study I've got the subject of urban planning. It became interesting to me because it resembled a favorite game. I helped her mates with their project works because it was easy for me. I had an interest in designing and started to think about how I would like to improve things around. Eventually, I began to see things critically. I wanted to design and redesign a lot of things and my love and passion for architecture increased. I tried to do projects, I knew how I wanted to functioning it like, but I could not come up with the design. And also, along with this, I began to understand that complex construction calculations do not arouse my interest and cause my difficulties.

After having graduated from the university, I joined the XXX of survey and design of structures and considered entering the Master's program. At that time my friends told me about Korea and therefore my interest to the country appeared. I was amazed by the country, it surprised me with combination of modern technologies and traditions, its architecture, the communication culture and language. Seeking for language learning, I moved to the big city, XXX. Exploring the city, along with the architecture of buildings, I watched big-city problems, such as traffic jams, poor planning and construction of new areas and many other problems. I got a job at the XXX, it is a bit similar to the Korean Development Institute. I work here in the capacity of technology markets analyst carrying out analytical studies and developing recommendations for the development of different areas. One of the recent projects I am engaged in is the Initiative on Smart Technologies in XXX. In the course of work on this project, I delved into the development of urban technologies. I have familiarized with such Korean projects as Smart City Songdo and Testbed of Smart Grid on Jejudo, U-City Busan, and others.

I finally realized that my mission and dream is to improve the environment, urban space and develop regions. In addition to technological projects, when having free time, I was looking into the world experience in development of urban space. I was inspired by such redevelopment projects as Seoullo 7017, Cheonggyecheon and Yeouido Park, and I was also impressed by such large-scale projects as the creation of Yeouido and Incheon airport. Moreover, I admire the housing planning of Korea. Harmony, ergonomics and beauty in the residential architecture of the residential area and functional planning - these are, in my opinion, the most striking features of space development.

An architect is a doctor, and a city as a person (patient). The city is growing, it has problems - If it's not right to not distinguish or make a decision late, then you will have a more difficult decision. Each city has its own style and appearance - if the architect makes a bad decision, the attractiveness will drop.

Today I'm not the same as yesterday, and tomorrow will not be the same as today. Every day gives us a new experience, and overcoming difficulties allows us to reach new heights, but by being in a closed room the height is limited by the ceiling and walls. University and faculty are the ones who opened the door for us and help to choose a path.

I believe that studying in Korea will give me the best experience and knowledge, thanks to which Korea and universities have achieved success as well as new acquaintances in the professorial and professional team, it will help me to better understand the culture and the people of Korea, allow me to achieve great success in professional activities, encourage me to new ideas that will help to improve lives this challenging time when facing many problems and tasks. Many thanks for your kind consideration!
Maria - / 1,099 389  
Jun 19, 2019   #2
@Adartasov
Hi there!

Best of luck in your application process. I'm going to provide feedback on your writing based on the technical portion of your essay and the overall direction of the content that you have laid out.

Firstly, be cautious of the grammar of your writing. On top of this, be wary of the instances wherein you would not follow the conventions and rules present. If you are able to follow these indicators, it would be beneficial for your overall essay as it would allow you to have an academic tone, bolstering the structure of your content. Having structured content is critical - bear this in mind. It is insufficient to only have, for instance, depth. If you cannot relay these details in an efficient manner, it would still not be effective.

Secondly, aside from the grammatical and technical portions of your writing, I would recommend also altering the way that you relay your storytelling. Organization is essential here as to not baffle your readers. For instance, you could have condensed your description of why you think that Korea is an impressive country into one paragraph as to not scatter its description all over. Afterwards, you can focus more incorporating reasons as to your personal experiences about living in the country.

While the hypothetical and idealistic paragraph on the second to the last portion of your essay is quite nice, I suggest moving these types of words to the beginning of your essay. This will establish a consistent tone that would help you in the long-run in uplifting the effectiveness of the essay.

Best of luck as always in your writing!
OP Adartasov 1 / 2  
Jun 20, 2019   #3
Statement of Purpose

Thank you for your advice!

Do you think it may be worth removing the transfer of "projects", since they do not carry the meaning, but they take the volume away?

And also, I do not really understand what sentence in the text you say: " Organization is essential here as to not baffle your readers" ? Since I wrote everything that happened in accordance with the chronology.

In addition, I built the text on how I came to the choice of this specialty, and at the end I notice that Korea is a good example, so I chose it.

As I understand it, in general, my letter is quite good and I presented the information that I should have written in this section? )
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Of course, I have a bigger question with the Statement of Purpose (Goal of study & Study Plan / Future Plan after Study), can you tell me what they mean and what the commission or professors want to see in it? (unfortunately the moderators removed this part of this post) :))

May I ask you to write leading questions? New review = Thread must be Urgent (or you may use our Services, thank you!)


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