[i]Hello Everyone, please read the attached essay, basic personal statement for a few schools stating my personal goals. I would like to get the point across of how I came to the career path choosen today because for me, it was a long road. I appreciate any comments, opinions, tips, etc. Thank you so much!
Hello, I know it has been awhile, but I would appreciate if you are someone could give me feedback on my revised personal statement. Thank you.
It was the beginning of the New Year, 2012, when I woke up with an acute pain in my neck. A bump had appeared on the back of my neck; painful to touch and growing bigger with time. Worried, I made an appointment to see a doctor but was examined by a physician assistant who diagnosed the bump as a mere muscle knot. One month later, I lay in tears from excruciating pain as more of such bumps appeared sporadically around my neck and against my ears. I insisted on seeing my family doctor this time, only to be met with a fearful and concerned expression on her face as she explained to me that the painful bumps appearing were really my lymph nodes, inflamed. From that day, a painful year of testing and surgery ensued, as doctors suspected I had cancer. Through my route of recovery and experiences through academia and community work, I became inspired to pursue a career in Dietetics, so as to promote the health and wellness amongst local communities.
Enrolling as an undergrad, I knew I wanted to join a profession which tailored to my profound fascination for healthcare and the human physiology, gave me the ability to make a difference and held possibilities of career growth. Nursing seemed to be the ideal choice. However, through observation and research, I became weary of the profession. I wanted to stay true to my goals, but lacked the passion and confidence of being Nurse. Until this realization, I had never looked at any career options outside of nursing and I felt stuck and unsure of my future. However, my career path took a delightful change upon the suggestion of a professor, that I devote time to community work. My community work began gradually and eventually, blossomed into an ardent full-time activity. This new-found love for community work prompted me to give back internationally. In the summer of 2011, I remunerated a volunteer trip to Costa Rica. While in Costa Rica, I volunteered at a local nursing and rehabilitation home, assisting seniors, many of who were sick or without family, with their physical therapy needs as wells as a group revitalization of their garden. Through this experience, I gained an appreciation for a new culture as well as an even greater appreciation for helping the elderly. By experiencing, the mission of the volunteering organization being fulfilled first hand, I felt inspired and began to question what my true passion was and how could I use it to impact my community.
Upon my return home, I continued to volunteer and pull through my not so desired aspirations of nursing by registering with a course on introductory nutrition and independent research as part of the program. The nutrition course featured a captivating curriculum which I yearned to learn more of. With this newfound knowledge, I decided to focus my course research on the factors and correlations of precocious puberty and obesity in American and also the increasing recurrence of fast food restaurants within low-income neighborhoods in New York City. The information gained from my research gave me an entirely new perspective on the health of my own community. I grew concerned with the negative correlation between health disparities and income in New York City, particularly my own neighborhood of Brooklyn, which had a plethora of food deserts. This blossoming interest in Nutrition began to burrow itself deeper into my aspirations and I felt compelled to act.
In response, I turned to community work, obtaining a volunteer position educating elementary public school students in the Washington Heights section of Manhattan on basic proper nutrition. Through instruction and hands-on activities, students learned about basic elements of nutrition and how to prepare healthy snacks. My class consisted of students from a multitude of ethnicities. Upon speaking with them, I realized they had little to no knowledge of the importance of a proper diet. Although, very apprehensive at first, over a period of three months, I was able to introduce numerous recipes and a new appreciation for eating healthy. The program displayed to me, an in-depth understanding of cultural dietary differences as well as the consistent need for nutritional education within urban communities. In addition, it revealed a joyful skill within me, to educate and promote well being to others. This persuaded me to consider a career in Dietetics; however I was unfamiliar with the role of a dietician. .
In order to further explore the profession of a dietician, I gained a volunteer position as a dietary aide at the NY Hospital Queens. As a dietary aide, I assisted the clinical dietician manager with post-operative patient rounds and provided administrative support. The position introduced me to proper patient care and the implications of a patient's diets in a multitude of situations. Additionally, I was trained how to effectively listen to a patient's concerns pertaining to the condition of their food, make them feel at ease and learn the operations of a hospital dietary team. It was a great learning experience that reaffirmed my aspirations to pursue a career in dietetics.
During my position at the hospital, my sickness worsened to a point I had lost my will to care or do anything. I had lost a significant amount of weight and was constantly tired. My doctor informed me that it would be best to have a biopsy done, however, due to nature of my sickness, it had to be postponed. While awaiting a new surgery date, my job supervisor suggested I take a holistic approach to my health and focus on my well-being. Through this approach, I focused on my physical and mental health by researching and developing a diet which would not only help me regain a healthy mind and spirit but also gain back my weight and keep my immune system strong. It was a tough change in direction, but helped my recovery significantly, even after surgery. Doctor's could not diagnose my illness but have asserted that I have reactive lymph nodes. Upon becoming sick, I was unaware of how effective, one's diet can be to overcoming hardship; it made me appreciate my well-being and commit to keeping a healthy lifestyle.
Today, the knowledge and experience I have gained through life events as well as course and community work has helped me redirect my career focus. The passion and confidence, I once lacked in pursuit of Nursing, now exists strongly for Nutrition. By pursuing a career in Dietetics, I will be able to fulfill my career goals by fusing my love of community work and educating others while remaining true to a career in healthcare. Pursuing a Masters in Public Health in Nutrition at (insert school) would enable me to fulfill the requirements to become a Registered Dietician, practicing in a community setting. The knowledge and skills received as part of the outlined curriculum would provide me with the necessary education and skills needed to facilitate efficient care to patients in any capacity of public health (e.g. public clinics, agencies, organizations, etc.) ensuring achievement of all health goals. In addition, I aspire to participate in nutritional research, particularly, those focused on the molecular biological implications of obesity and precocious puberty amongst minority groups internationally. Furthermore, I plan to continue giving back to my community by gaining sufficient training as a Health educator. In this position, I plan to combine my dietary knowledge with said training to secure funding which will allow me to organize community outreach programming in low-income neighborhoods that will promote positive health and well-being. Such programs will facilitate weekly educational workshops, tailored to teach a range of age levels, the importance of a nutritious diet and how to maintain a healthy lifestyle. In embracing these goals, I feel confident that pursing a Masters in Public Health at (Insert school) would be a great extension of my academic career and aid me in embracing the challenges and opportunities that such a program will provide me to serve my community through the field of public health and nutrition.
InIt was the beginning of a new year when I woke up with a sharpacute pain in my neck.
.... "acute" goes better with "pain". Also, rather than saying "beginning of a new year", tell them which year it is ... for example, 2010
One month later, I lay in tears from excruciating pain as more of those samesuch bumps appeared sporadically around my neck and against my ears.
My life changed overnight as I was no longer able to do many of the things that made me feel vibrant, active and happy anymore.
This is my suggestion;
I felt as if my life reached a dead end where I could not direct it towards a vibrant, active and happy destination anymore.Maintaining the state of my health had never been enforced by my family, all of which originated from a third world country, where their health was not an immediate priority because of financial burdens.
This needs a little more work.... I suggest you to re-phrase it as the idea is not conveyed clearly. Have a more simple tone to express it.... You have a very strong reason to tell them what intrigued you to take up this discipline. Make maximum advantage out of it :)
