my career goal is not some kind of epiphany
Hi all,
I'm currently applying the Master of Science in Entrepreneurship and Innovation of Marshall School of Business, USC.
I appreciate all the comments on my essay, especially the cohesiveness since i want the screening committee to follow my thread and avoid unnecessary ambiguity.
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# Essay Question: Why do you want to earn a Master of Science in Entrepreneurship and Innovation, and how does it help you reach your next career goal? How does your prior education and experience fit with our program? (400 words)
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After building upon my social media marketing skills in a non-profit organization, I began to explore the fashion and fine art industry in Beijing. Through working with a diversity of foreign designers, I discovered that though a wealth of talents had the ambition to launch their ls, few of them had the industry sources and business savvy to concretely realize it. Inspired by this insight, I was cognizant of my short term career goal is to co-establish a studio with emerging designers and make foray into China.
In order to find out how to connect the creative force with the Chinese market demand, I entered YOOX NET-A-PORTER Group as the first undergraduate intern. Mentored by both the marketing team and PR team, my marketing and data analytic skills was sharpened through marketing reports and social media campaigns promoting emerging designers. Nonetheless, from cooperation with several Los Angeles designers, I noticed that a powerful digital marketing strategies can help the company to target and communicate with the customer, yet a strategic management of the studio, manufacturing and supply chain are prerequisite to growing from a start-up atelier to an international trend-setter.
While my past experience prepared me with a deep understanding of Chinese luxury market and basic business skills, I have to gain a rigorous training in general and entrepreneurship management applicable to multiple platforms. Courses from MSEI program such as Leading Innovation and Change and Cases in New Venture Management will provide these skills and a solid business background for me. In addition, through case analysis and project management with the extraordinary student body of Marshall School of Business, I will be offered different perspectives on dealing with real world problems.
Besides the academic excellence, being in Los Angeles can expose me to a wealth of fashion industry resources. At the covetable location of USC Park Campus, I will gain hands-on experiences by internships at start-up and established lifestyle brands. The credibility of Marshall School of Business graduate, along with the powerful Trojan network, will drive meetings with potential investors to embark on my entrepreneur journey. Last but not least, my past experience in non-profit and for-profit sector, combing with passion for introducing emerging Los Angeles designers to China, would be an asset to the Marshall School of Business.
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My concern about this essay:
1.Are the first and second paragraphs too long to be read as a background story? I want ot to solidly prove to the academic that my career goal is not some kind of epiphany but a decision made from experiences and evaluation, yet on the other hand, I'm afraid it's not concise enough.
２. I have to gain a rigorous training in general and entrepreneurship management applicable to multiple platforms.
Is this sentence, as the motif of academic purpose, bit ambiguous regarding on the multiple platforms?
3. Last but not least, my past experience in non-profit and for-profit sector, combing ...
Due to the words limitation, I'm afraid the ending sentence might be a liite curt,but I want to state to the committee what I can do for the Marshall as a future student. So, how do you think?
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marshall.usc.edu/msei
This is the overview for this program for anyone who is interested in.Hello Honghao Li :)
About your essay...
1.The first two paragraph are not too long in my opinion, because you must to express well what you have doing during your previous education. I just would like to suggest you two things: try to add an introductory phrase in your first paragraph because your paragraph begin too directly to the point so I would add a sentence at the beginning to make your entrance smoother. And the second one, is to put together pragraph 1 and 2, both of them talk about you academic bg. So this way your actual 3 paragraph (2 paragraph if you put together the other ones) will look more strong when people read it.
2.You sentence is not ambiguous in my opinion, but this part"I have to gain..." sounds like if you are forced to do it. I would like to suggest you another word to substitute "have". Maybe if use words like: I am willing to... because...., or I would like to..., or I always have been looking for... you might show your passion for it in a better way :)
3. I know 400 words is very limited length but I would recommend you extend a little bit your ending sentence. For example you might say how you will be that "asset" at Marshall School of Business. If you can say this in one more sentence (maximum) will be great!
I hope i answered your questions.
Wish you can be accepted :)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,815 
4780 Li, the opening statement is really confusing. It seems like you are trying to address 2 or 3 topics in one paragraph. Try to keep a focus on introducing yourself first. That means, introduce yourself to the reviewer as someone who has a career vested interest in these studies. The essay focuses too much on your professional side and is weakened by the lack of academic preparation on your end. The prompt clearly indicates a need to balance your academic and professional experiences as justifications for your masters study preparedness. Th reference to your short term career goal should be made towards the end of the essay in order for you to properly develop the academic and professional reasons for your desire to gain a masters degree. You will need to edit the overall content of your essay in order to insert the information about your relevant academic experience. Do not neglect to present that because it is a requirement for the review of your application essays.
