As a young, aspiring accounting student, I am interested in studying at the Johns Hopkins Carey Business school because I believe that an MSc in Finance will help me to attain my goal of making a significant contribution to the financial sector in my country.
The goal is indistinct. Do you know what I mean? It is not crisp, not clear. If you said something very specific about what you want to accomplish in the financial sector, that would be better. Do not just say, "make a significant contribution."
Right here you have a little grammar error:
...because its reputation for academic rigor...
... and professional success assure me that...
In the short-term, I see myself as a strategy consultant for a management consulting firm, primarily specializing in the financial services and retail-banking sectors. I want to learn the best financial practices around the globe and further hone my problem solving skills. ---Great specificity here!
I believe my educational background has equipped me with the adequate knowledge needed to pursue finance as a graduate major. Too obvious.
Studying finance would definitely help me further develop my ability to analyze problems from a business perspective bearing in mind the limitations of the real world. Too obvious, say something about your unique vision.
I also feel the program will provide the right balance between theory and practice, because _______________________- (give an explanation for this belief in order to make it meaningful.
Here is another great sentence:
I expect that a seasoned, highly accessible faculty with current private- and public-sector experience would provide intensive treatment of quantitative and qualitative methods, particularly in the analysis of financial institutions, corporate finance and accounting, and fixed income and derivative products.---I like it!