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'we were able to come together to form a mock government' - Two Funky / Awkward sentences


shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 30, 2009   #1
The 2500 of us in the program may be merely teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice even with our diverse range of opinions and ideas.

From working as a delegation constructing legislation to working in Sacramento as a fully functioning youth government, being a part of this program has been and continues to be a thrilling and rewarding experience.

damo 9 / 36  
Dec 30, 2009   #2
The 2,500 of us in the program may have been merely teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice. Even with our diverse range of opinions we still succeeded in the end.

From working as a delegation(constructing legislation), to working in Sacramento(as a fully functioning youth government), being a part of this program has been, and continues to be, a thrilling and rewarding experience.

:]

thanks for all the kind words on my essay btw, if you have time to look at any of my others id really appreciate it
jamie2010 2 / 12  
Dec 30, 2009   #3
Although the program is compiled with 2500 merely teenagers with a diverse range of opinions and ideas, we were still able to come together and unite our voices to form a successful(?) mock government.

From working as a delegation constructing legislation to working in Sacramento as a fully functioning youth government, being a part of this program has been and continues to be a thrilling and rewarding experience.

Hope I helped somehow. Can you take a look at mine, please?
nadine83 6 / 23  
Dec 30, 2009   #4
Though all 2500 of us in the program are merely teenagers, we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice even with our diverse range of opinions and ideas.

From working as a delegation and construct legislation to working in Sacramento as a fully functioning youth government, being a part of this program has been, and continues to be, a thrilling and rewarding experience.

Do you mind looking over my essay again? I made a few corrections.

Thanks!
Keng 39 / 134  
Dec 31, 2009   #5
The problem with these sentences in my opinions is Run-on.

You translate your native language directly into english, which is a difficult for students who take English as a second language.

Here are my suggestions
OP shannon92 15 / 74  
Dec 31, 2009   #6
what? I speak English as a first language...
badromance 1 / 18  
Jan 7, 2010   #7
The 2500 of us in the program may be mere teenagers, but we were able to come together to form a mock government with a united voice despite our diverse range of opinions and ideas.

merely is an adverb so it describes mainly verbs, i think mere is a good replacement.


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