Droping out of highschool [PERSUASIVE ESAAY]

HI, I kinda wrote a persuasive essay about teenagers who drop schools and begin their adult life by going live by their own. I think I do have some grammar problem. If you guys could fix it, Ill be appreciate it :)

In the persuasive essay "What Does Responsibility Look Like," Louise Bohmer Turnbull reveals the" hard reality" of students dropping out of school and going living on their own. Teens have responsibility to attend schools, study and get a college degree. However, some teens believe that they should dropout school and go begin their adult life. My advice to teenagers who feel ready to be on their own has not changed. Teens have responsibility to attend schools, study and get a college degree for getting a high income job. But some teens believe that they should begin their adult life and to not attend school. Though, don't they think how are they going to support themselves, financially? I believe teens should avoid dropping out schools and continue their studies. They must, continue their schools, then later go to college and get a college degree then to get a good high salary job so that they can support themselves, such as paying bills, paying rent or cars, or even when later the time they get married and have children. The author, Louise Bohmer Turnbull argued that" high-paying positions require college degrees. Other employers want a high school graduate or GED equivalent." Nevertheless, teenagers need to continue their education and get their degrees in order to get a good high salary job. Thus, teens should avoid dropping out schools and continue their school education due to get a good high income salary job so that they can support themselves or their family when they get married.

... I prefer "words" obtain or "receive" to "get"


However, some teens rush to begin their adult life sooner drop out from schools for this purpose.


.... rather than saying your idea has not changed, tell what your advice is. It sounds vague here. Is it that you want them to continue attending school? You need to be specific about this advice :)


.... don't repeat same parts of other sentences.

There is no need to repeat "dropping out" since the reader is already aware of that from the previous sentences.


I agree with dumi, you should use different words to substitute "get". Reword "then to get" because it sounds a bit repetitive.