litchxx 1 / 1 Dec 22, 2011 #1Hi. For the sake of saving you from boredom I will not paste my entire essay. I just need help with one sentence, which my counselor believes needs to be re-worked.Basically it's the common app essay about my much-older sisters being my biggest influence.Here's my sentence before and my counselors comment:The support from my sisters has all but vanished, but I am my own motivation, my own spirit."Can't they still be influential in their absence? Aren't they still there in some way?"I'm just not sure how to reword the first clause exactly... I've been stuck on this silly sentence for days!I know it kinda sounds like a weak sentence alone, but it's not in my essay. I promise :)Any help is appreciated :) Thank you!EDIT: Sorry-- basically I want to say that even though they still support me from a far, it's not enough, kind of thing. And then have the other part of the sentence.
ZhoeK 5 / 173 Dec 22, 2011 #2TaylorMy sisters' support, although precious, was no longer enough; it was my turn to be my own motivation -to be my own spirit.I don't think this sounds any better, but maybe it would be easier if we had the rest of the essay to get a better feel of what you are trying to say.Hope this helps!
OP litchxx 1 / 1 Dec 29, 2011 #3Sorry for replying so late.. Thank you Zhoe, that definitely did help. :)