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'I am Metallurgist' - Would you correct my Email

Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Nov 15, 2017   #1

invitation for analisys of some items

Good Morning XXX,

I am XXXXX, Metallurgist in XXXXXX. I have two items that they needed to be analyzed, but before I do so, I would like to talk about them with you, maybe you can show me the best approach to analysis them. Kindly, please let me know when would be the best time for you so we can talk about them.
naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Nov 15, 2017   #2
Hi here are some points that i would like to write as recommendation for you
in the first paragraph (that they needed to be analyzed) ( i have two items, they need to be analyzed)
in the second line: (i would like to talk about them with you) ( i would like to discuss about them with you)
again in the second line (maybe you....) (maybe you have some recommendations about how to analyze them)
kindly and please respectively are not interesting for reader
in the last sentence ( so we can talk ) so . doesnt mean here
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,562 3753  
Nov 16, 2017   #3
Ashkan, here is my take on the revision of your email. What you wrote is really very confusing an amateur in approach. It needs to be given a professional tone since you are a professional asking other professionals to help you out. I suggest that you revise this email in the following manner:

Please allow me to introduce myself. I am XXX, a fellow Metallurgist at XXX. I am approaching you today to seek your assistance with a profession related situation that I have. I am currently in possession of 2 items that are in need of analysis. While I could do this myself, I would like to have a consultation with you with regarding the best way to analyze these items. I realize that you are an extremely busy person and I am willing to accommodate your availability for this consult. Kindly get in touch with me at your convenience to set up a consultation date. Thank you.

With warmest regards,

Your essay is too direct and lacking in a respectful tone. Always remember that you need to ensure a professional and respectful tone towards the person you are writing to because you are asking for a favor to be done for you. You cannot order that person about, even if you use the word "Kindly" because the previous sentiments did not carry that tone.
OP Ashkan123 12 / 33 2  
Nov 16, 2017   #4
Thank you so much for your help.Holt you always are a great help

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