On the bottom of the essay are areas of improvement that I have identified I need.
Here is a grading rubric that could be used for review- Thanks in advance.
1. What does the writer do well in this essay?
2. What does the writer need to work on in this essay?
3. State the main point of this essay.
4. Does the introduction grab your attention? Does it lead smoothly to a thesis? If not, what could the writer do to improve it?
5. What is the thesis statement? Does it contain a strong opinion and specific focus? Explain.
6. Does each paragraph develop one main idea? Describe the main idea of each paragraph (five words or less for each). Does each topic sentence tie back to the thesis?
7. Does the writer offer evidence for the points he or she makes in each paragraph? If so, is the evidence convincing?
8. Does the writer use transitions between paragraphs and ideas?
9. Does the conclusion briefly summarize in a fresh way the writer's main argument and then end on a memorable note (such as a quotation, thought, image, or call to action)? What is that memorable impression that the conclusion leaves?
10. Are quotations integrated smoothly? Do they flow with the grammar of the sentence? Are all quotations cited correctly?
11. Is there a Works Cited page reflecting each author quoted in the body of the essay? Are the entries of the Works Cited page in correct MLA format? Are they alphabetized? Does each entry have all the necessary citation information? Does the Works Cited section appear on its own page?
12. Is the essay formatted correctly (margins, font, spacing, etc.)? If not, what needs to be corrected?
13. Does the essay have a creative title that describes the purpose/point of the paper in a catchy, clear way?
14. Are there grammar and spelling errors in the essay?
15. If you were writing this essay, what would you do differently? Why?
Here it is...
Are you feeding yourself and our children poison? Childhood obesity is an epidemic that is currently affecting America more than any other country. In 2015 the CDC reports that childhood obesity has more than doubled in the past 30 years for children and quadrupled in the past 30 years for adolescents. Educating children and parents on the epidemic would benefit families to live healthier, and perhaps longer lives. It is not just children suffering from obesity- experts at the CDC state, "Overweight and obesity are associated with increased risk for many types of cancer, including cancer of the breast, colon, endometrium, esophagus, kidney, pancreas, gallbladder, thyroid, ovary, cervix, and prostate, as well as multiple myeloma, and Hodgkin's lymphoma." Cancer is one of the leading causes of death worldwide, claiming over 8 million lives annually since 2012. The United States has come into this issue due to the way Americans' value convenience and have a regular diet of sugars. "One-third of the sugar in our diets comes from soda and sweetened beverages, you can taste it...half of all the sugar consumed in this country comes from food you didn't know had sugar in it- like hamburger buns, hamburger meat, and salad dressing, for instance. I plan to be able to show that everyone is able to take control of what they put into their bodies with the proper education, support and will power.
To take a look at the source of the challenges America is faced with for childhood obesity, we have to look at America's commerce and trade. America's staples are corn, tobacco and dairy. Corn has many different uses cornmeal, penicillin, starch, sugar, whiskey, ethanol, corn silk, corn cobs, oil and glue. Corn alone has many uses, and comes in many forms. High fructose corn syrup is a major ingredient used for sweetening many of our juices, soft drinks and candies. Corn is also a carbohydrate that is considered a staple food for many diets, especially for people less fortunate with their financial situations. Corn is an important staple in the U.S. Economy. Dairy is another staple of America and with dairy, comes cows (beef). Ever heard of McDonalds? McDonalds is synonymous with America and so is obesity. Dairy is another economic staple for America. Milk, cream, cheese, and beef. Many families use at least one of these products in their households daily. These items are high in fats, especially cheese and cream. Dairy production also ties into agriculture production as this is how the cows eat, if agriculture suffers, people will feel the effects with higher costs for food products related to the industry, beef and milk process raise as well as the by-products created from the production. These funds will go to the farmers to assist in funding the crops they produce and cows they raise as these processes are not cheap. America is forced to push its products to support the economy to avoid recession and depression- these issues are likely more challenging to the government than obesity. The economy is fragile and the slightest changes to our economic structure without transitions set up can collapse and send us into a depression.
A pill can have you lose weight in an instant! It is easier to prescribe pharmaceuticals to people for weight loss or push products that encourage weight loss, this is a billion dollar industry that changes often enough with newly discovered fads and ingredients that claim to promote fat loss. People are more interested in combating poor diet with a cure-all pill promising results or a fad diet that works temporarily but is not a viable option for long term results. There are some issues with misleading information and unproven results from most of the natural weight loss items on the market, some of the other chemical filled items include medications that mimic what methamphetamines do to the body, speeding up your metabolic rate and making your body process calories and burn energy at higher levels. Over a long period of time, these items build a tolerance and can only assist you so far without a proper diet and exercise.
Technology is amazing! We are able to go online and order our groceries to be delivered straight to our house at the click of a mouse! You can also order food directly online to come straight to your door, eliminating any preparation and maximizing on convenience. These conveniences do pose a problem with people's diet. Food from fast food restaurants' quality and the way they are prepared the foods are usually filled with preservatives and other chemicals that have negative effects on our bodies. It's not just fast food that contains these preservatives and other things that rob food of its nutrition but readily made foods also have these preservatives and chemicals. The lack of the education in this is alarming as most people do not think about this as being an issue and trust labels on foods claiming to be healthy. For example, there are many foods that have zero trans-fats or are zero calorie foods. Studies link these foods to end up causing weight gain as our bodies are not satisfied with the intake of these foods and sometimes these foods are processed in our bodies differently. America is doomed if consumers are fooled by the labels that make ignorance a factor when attempting to make an informed, healthy decision. People are easily fooled with labels with no added sugar, no preservatives, low calories, High in vitamin D, low fat, and other labels and do not understand that there are other things on the label to consider other than the stated highs and lows such as sodium, sugar, carbohydrates.
Our children attend schools and are there at school for most of their waking day. Many kids two out of 3 main meals at school with the foods offered from the school. Unfortunately, there are some issues with the food the school offers to our children. These foods are usually not well rounded meals and our children are not educated on nutrition enough to realize this and many refuse to eat certain items on their plate. School lunches and breakfasts in most districts consist of many high calorie options of processed foods made to feed the masses. There are usually an abundance of staple foods and carbohydrate options associated with these meals and our children do not have a choice to eat otherwise unless they bring their own, healthier option for meals. A recent study shows that school lunches in America fall far behind those of other countries that offer well balanced meals, many with meal options that rival some restaurants. These well balanced meal options have their foods portion controlled and offer healthy, fresh non-processed options for meals.
There is a need to make a drastic change to food and beverage intake to combat this disease. Data in 2013 indicates that there were 42 million children overweight or obese and 70 million will be overweight or obese by 2025 if the trends continue. There will need to be a change to the way we as people think, act and eat to be able to combat the trends making ourselves unhealthy. The statistics are 17% of children ages 2-19 are obese. currently in the United States alone- that's roughly 12.6 million children considered to be obese. The CDC has linked many of these issues to begin at an early age involving families growing up in poverty ranging from 14% to 11% respectively, the latter being the wealthier families. The CDC also has collected information that the educational levels of the head of household is also a factor, ranging from 11% for those with a college education to17% based on those without a college education. Along with the above information, race plays a factor as well for both the socio-economic levels and the education levels of the families respectively. This range depends on culture as a factor as well as socio-economic and education levels.
Now that we have discussed the facts with the current childhood obesity statistics, a look into the mind of addiction and how this relates to eating disorders. A team of Psychiatrists working with Arch Gen Psychiatry have done studies connecting challenges with food addiction correlating with that of drug addiction. Similar patterns of neural activation are implicated in addictive-like eating behavior and substance dependence. This research showed that there is a serious connection with the brain and body's reward systems in regards to food intake. Available knowledge is a key component to our development and information available and taught at an early age can assist with our knowledge and decision making throughout childhood and adolescence.
We've discussed how our brains process addictions and how this relates to eating disorders, now let's look at what the public eye is doing to assist the public with this disorder. Currently, First Lady Michelle Obama has launched an initiative to battle childhood obesity. Mrs. Obama was quoted saying, "This isn't the kind of problem that can be solved in one year, or even one administration. But make no mistake about it, this problem can be solved." Attention from this level has reached the nation as an important topic for the past six decades at least and was also apparent in the Eisenhower-Nixon era, where physical fitness was a large part of schooling. Known today as the President's Challenge, The Journal for American Association for Physical Education and Recreation conducted a study and assessed the state of physical fitness within the United States and Europe, raising awareness for the physical well being of the youth of America and Europe considered to be lacking some of the basic fundamentals necessary for healthy physical fitness.
Children at times are hard to motivate. In America, motivation for children is often in the form of food. Unfortunately, these food rewards are usually unhealthy for the kids such as candy and in some cases, pizza, kids' meals at fast food restaurants and other processed, unhealthy restaurants. When my child comes home from school with an Honor Roll award, attached is a coupon for a free pizza at a local pizza place, a great gesture and reward when used in moderation. It is important to educate children early on the importance of a proper diet and exercise regimen to instill these skills and knowledge for life. Nutrition should be taught in school along with the main subjects such as Math, English and Reading. Our physical health also affects our mental health and should be just as important as the school curriculum.
A problem that the issues with diet and exercise cause to our youth and adults is sleep apnea. Sleep apnea affects many Americans as the majority of the population is overweight or obese and this disease is common for these types, as is diabetes. The issues with challenges with sleep apnea do not end with adults but is effecting children as well. Obesity is the main cause of sleep apnea and children averaging from age 0-8 could have obstructive sleep apnea without being obese. Obesity is tough to combat when it is a part of your life at an early age. Many children and adolescents struggling with their weight will have the same struggles into adulthood due to bad eating habits and lack of education and knowledge of their disease or disability.
The reality we face everyday is the lack of knowledge most people have for nutrition. An alarming amount of Americans lack the most basic nutrition information, according to a new national survey of more than 1,000 adults conducted by ORC International on behalf of the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine. The average American lacks the knowledge of the importance of a balanced diet and believe this can be achieved by what fast food offers. Low income families have food insufficiencies and less access to healthy food- or food at all, and cannot commit to a diet with healthy eating options. Food insufficiency has a clear connection to those living in poverty. The data collected suggests the poverty rate is higher in the children's demographic, owning over 40% of all Americans living in poverty. At the time of this study, the welfare percentages for children in the system were an astounding 69%.
In Conclusion, Studies show that our youth is doomed to having limited access and education into healthy living and eating habits, which will affect their quality of life in childhood and follow into adulthood. First Lady Michelle Obama, activist on certain issues in which she feels needs attention, recently launched an initiative for children's health focusing on childhood obesity and physical activity. Mrs. Obama was quoted saying, "This isn't the kind of problem that can be solved in one year, or even one administration. But make no mistake about it, this problem can be solved." Currently in the United States alone- that's roughly 12.6 million children considered to be obese. Educate yourself, and ask yourself this question, are you unknowingly feeding yourself and our children poison?
Bibliography
Ogden CL, Carroll MD, Kit BK, Flegal KM. Prevalence of childhood and adult obesity in the United States, 2011-2012. Journal of the American Medical Association 2014. 25 Aug, 2015. Web. 19 Jan 2016.
National Center for Health Statistics. Health, United States, 2011: With Special Features on Socioeconomic Status and Health. Hyattsville, MD; U.S. Department of Health and Human Services;2012. 27 Aug, 2015. Web. 19 Jan, 2016.
Moodie-Mills, Danielle. How The Food Industry Is Enabling The United States' Obesity Epidemic. 11 Jan, 2013. Web. 20 Jan, 2016.
Division of Nutrition, Physical Activity, and Obesity, National Center for Chronic Disease Prevention and Health Promotion. Web. 16 June, 2015.
English, Marianne. Food Obsession Similar to Drug Addiction. 7 APR, 2011. Web.
Gearhardt M.D. Ashley N. Neural Correlates of Food Addiction. JAMA Psychiatry. 01 Aug, 2011. Web
Hellmich, Nanci. Michelle Obama to Launch Initiative Fighting Childhood Obesity.USA Today. 20 Jan, 2010. Web.
3 things I feel could use improvement- Structure for information, transitions to different topics, better supporting arguments with facts.
Hi there Mickey! Here are some of my thoughts on this paper.
After reading your paper, I definitely see that the structure and order needs help. Your introductory paragraph should prepare the reader for what they are about to read, but yours doesn't quite do that. I think that you need to write as proper introduction to your paper that you can start with. Right now you just kind of launch into information which is okay, but you're not developing your thesis or introducing your topic.. A good introduction lets the reader know where you are headed. It can also include an explanation of the importance of your topic, statistics, etc... Then you can briefly mention or touch on some of the aspects you discuss in your paper. Think of an introductory paragraph as a guide to your essay and your thesis statement a turn by turn list of directions. It tells the reader where you are going with your essay.
To be honest, your paper is kind of all over the place. I know that childhood obesity is a very broad topic, and there is lots of information out there. It seems like you are trying to touch on as many different topics under the heading of obesity as possible, which isn't working for this paper. It creates a very scattered effect. You're discussing America's commerce, convenience foods, school lunches, lack of nutrition information, addiction, sleep apnea, eating disorders, etc.... You're trying to do too much with one essay. Instead, it might help to narrow down your focus and discuss less of those things in more detail. It's not about presenting as much information as you can, but rather creating a concise argument or explanation of childhood obesity. It's better to have explored and discussed a few of these things in more detail than to try and present them all with limited explanation.
Do you have a thesis statement? When reading your introduction/ first paragraph, I assumed your focus would be on using "proper education, support and will power" to fight obesity. However, reading further I see that is not the case. A strong introduction a thesis statement will help you to focus your essay and will create a natural structure and flow of information. In your opening paragraph you should mention the reasons behind obesity very briefly (like 1-3 sentences (America's commerce/ trade, labeling misinformation, convenience foods, school lunches, lack of nutrition information etc...) and then
As far as transitions go, you don't need to tell the reader you're going to transition. If you've created an introductory paragraph that works as your guide, your paper should follow that "map."
In your first paragraph it looks like you had the start of a quotation but then there's no end of that quotation nor is there parenthetical documentation for that quote. Purdue online has a great website for MLA format that might help you out. Also, I would start off by using the full name of the CDC, with the initials in parentheses. Then every time after that, you can simply use the intitals because you have already identified what CDC stands for.
