Hi all,
do you mind to comment on my motivation letter? thanks
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Dear Sir or Madam,
I'm applying for the Master in Business Administration at Radboud University Nijmegen campus starting in September 2017. I strongly believe that my work experience, personal skills, education background and motivation make me a very good candidate for this program.
I received my first degree in geology from Institut Teknologi Bandung in 2005, during my undergraduate I've learn basic and advance earth science related subjects given in the class and also outdoor as a field work. I'm also actively involved in the geology student association for social interaction and organization, I was heavily involved in some of the event that the association had such as graduation party preparation, new student reception and initiation and few more events, thus activity strengthen my communication and negotiation skill dealing with other people.
After graduation, I was working with my professor at the university in a joint study project on petroleum exploration and assessment in Sumatera between the university and the oil company who own the concession. That was my first professional experience in the oil & gas industry where I had the chance to apply the knowledge I received in the university and also gaining more knowledge by working with a real and challenging problem and how to solve issues in timely manner.
Shortly after I finish my contract with the project, I joined a small Indonesian company, PT. Kejora Gasbumi Mandiri (subsidiary of PT. Opac Barata) who's acting as an agent to do marketing, sales and on the ground support for geoscience software owned by overseas company to the oil and gas companies in Indonesia. I was the geoscience technical consultant where my day to day job was providing consulting service and support to users (geoscientists) in the oil companies should they have issues related to the product my company sold to them. Due to my excellent technical and personal skills, I was then recruited by one of the partner company, Paradigm, and relocating to Dubai to be their technical consultant for clients in the Middle East, and that was the start of my professional overseas experience.
During my time in Paradigm, my scope has broaden, I'm not only responsible for after sales technical work but also involved in pre-sales activity where I do a lot of technical marketing presentation at the clients offices and also trade shows in the middle east and asia pacific region, I travelled to many countries and dealing with people with different cultures and background, this are very interesting and very challenging at same time. I manage to finish my part time master degree in geophysics while working and traveling extensively to fulfill my responsibility to the company.
I relocated to Germany in 2013 to join my current company, Schlumberger. I see the moved as an opportunity joining big corporation, the challenging technical work covering both north and southern hemisphere and also experiencing new culture. During my time in Germany, I've traveled to Mexico for work and this was an exciting and challenging trip, however the client was satisfied with my work and requested to my manager for my services in the future. In 2015, I was relocated to Abu Dhabi to be the technical sales for geoscience products, in this job I was responsible to promote and provide technical marketing work supporting the sales manager.
Overall of my work experience, I've taken pre-sales /technical sales role, the more I involved on the role, the more I'm interested to get more knowledge on business and management skills. I know that I have strong technical background on my industry however I'm lack of the business and management skills to go up the ladder in the management chain or having broader skills set to be able performing a career change at some point in the future.
I've visited Netherland several times and I really like the country, I think it's the only country where you can still feel the local culture with very strong international community interaction in daily life, and for me some part of the country feels like I'm Indonesia due to long history between the Netherland and Indonesia. Therefore I choose to continue my study in the Netherland, and I feel my decision to apply for a place in the Master in Business Administration program at Radboud University is the best extension to my career as it is related to my newly found interest.
I'm confident my extensive work experience, exposure of small and big corporate life, experience with different culture and background and last but not least my strong academic background makes me qualified and able to perform well in this program. I also believe I can make significant contribution to this program.
Thank you very much for considering my application. I look forward to your positive response.
Best Regards
I believe it is a very long letter. You should make small para and highlight essential points. Right now it is more like an essay.
Hi @Mayank7g would you mind give me an example of para and highlights? Thanks
Hi Joko, welcome to EF :)
Here's my take on your first paragraph of your essay.
- I'm applying for the Master in...............campus starting in September 2017.(This sentence was too common, and date shouldn't be there. You've stated a proper time when to study in another part of the application form / online form. Try to paraphrase it like this)
Enrolling in Master of Business Administration at Radboud University Nijmegen empower my professional development as a(mention your current job)CEO of XYZ Company.
- I received my first degree in geology from Institut Teknologi Bandung in 2005,(this data has already existed in another part of the application)During my undergraduate study , I learned basic and advanced earth science related subjects given in both insidethe class and also outdoor as a field work.and outside the class.
- I'm also actively involved(is this your current status?) in the geology (...) and organization, I was(but why this one was in the past form?) heavily involved (...) that the association had(past) such as graduation (...) thus activity strengthen(present form?) my communication and negotiation ...(just be more consistent in tenses usage.)
My further suggestion for you is that, first, you do NOT need to create such a long-but-inaccurate-and-complicated sentence like that. Using them would badly damage the content themselves. There are two negative possibilities such as the sentence may become ambiguous, and it may become confusing. Second, you must pay more attention on "contraction" use like I'm, I've, and many more. Using them in formal letter would be inappropriate. Try to come up with more formal expression with no contractions. Thus, you just need to upload the revision below my message to get further assistance from EF members or contributors.
Hope this helps :)
@ichanpants89
thank you for your comments. Please find below a revised version of the letter, appreciate if you can give another review.
Thanks
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Dear Sir or Madam,
Enrolling in the Master's program in Business Administration at Radboud University will empower my professional development. I strongly believe that my work experience, personal skills, education background and motivation make me a very good candidate for this program.
I received my first degree in geology from Institut Teknologi Bandung (ITB) in 2005. During my undergraduate study, I have developed my knowledge across both basic and advanced topics of earth science related subjects both in the classroom and also outdoor as a field work. I joined in the geology student association for my extracurricular activity, there I learned how a nonprofit student organization worked by heavily involved in several events that were organized by the associations.
Right after graduation, I worked with my professor at the university in a joint study project on petroleum exploration and assessment in Sumatera between the university and the oil company who own the concession. That was my first professional experience in the oil & gas industry, where I had the chance to apply the knowledge I received in the university and expanded my knowledge by working with a real and challenging problem and learned how to solve issues in a timely manner.
Shortly after finishing my contract with the university project, I joined a small Indonesian company, PT. Kejora Gasbumi Mandiri (a subsidiary of PT. OPAC Barata). I was the geoscience technical consultant where my day to day job was providing consulting service and support to users (geoscientists) in the oil companies should they have issues related to the geoscience software products my company sold to them. As a result of my excellent technical and personal skills, I was recruited by one of the partner company, Paradigm. I had relocated to Dubai and taken on the role as the technical consultant for clients in the Middle East, and that was the start of my professional overseas experience.
While working in Paradigm, my scope had broadened, my responsibility expanded from only post-sales technical work to also include pre-sales activity, where I did a lot of technical marketing presentation at the client's offices and also trade shows in the Middle East and Asia Pacific region. I have traveled to many countries, facing clients with different cultures and background, the tasks were at the same time interesting and very challenging. In spite of my extensive business travel, I managed to finish my part-time in Master's degree in geophysics from ITB.
In 2013 I joined my current company, Schlumberger and I relocated to Germany. I saw the moved as an opportunity to work in a big corporation, new challenging technical work with larger geographical coverage and also experiencing a new culture. One of the most memorable business trips was the trip to Mexico, it was a challenging project because there is a language barrier between me and the client, however, despite the prominent difficulties I manage to finish the work and received appreciation letter from the client. In 2015, I was relocated to Abu Dhabi to be the technical sales for geoscience products. In this role, I am responsible for promoting and providing technical marketing work to support the sales manager achieving the company target.
I experienced different roles during my 11 years adventure in the petroleum industry and one of it is the role as pre-sales or technical sales which make me interested in pursuing more knowledge on business and management subject. I am aware my strength lies in my strong technical background however, I do realize that I need to gain business and management skills to go up the ladder in the management chain or to have broader skills set to be able performing a career change at some point in the future. I'm particularly interested in how one can develop and strategize business plan during the good and bad time in the market while managing human resources and maintaining the profitability of the company.
I choose to study in Netherland as the country was one of the prosperous countries in the world and this is backed by the above standard education given by the institution in Netherland. Radboud University offers a master program in business administration which I feel to be the best extension to my career as it is related to my newly found interest.
I will be very grateful I can be accepted into the program and I am confident that I can significantly contribute to the program by looking at my extensive work experience, exposure to small and big corporate life, experience with different culture and background and last but not least my strong academic background.
Best Regards
Joko Sosiawan Trikukuh
