Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem

1. Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.
(Note the key word: evaluate. You aren't just describing something; the best essays will explore the complexity of the issue. When you examine the "impact on you", you need to show the depth of your critical thinking abilities. Introspection, self analysis and self awareness are all important here. And be careful with essays about the winning touch down or tie-breaking goal. These sometimes have an off-putting "look how great I am" tone and very little self evaluation.)

CARPE DIEM

"Eat books! Sleep books! Drink only Coca-Cola!" Mimicking a famous Coca-Cola ad, my sisters teasingly chant the slogan as they catch me with a book in hand. Known as the family bookworm, I can barely tear my glance away from a paperback whether I'm taking a 5-minute trip to the grocery store or simply sauntering about the house. Walking into my room will leave you wondering whether you've stepped into a library instead.

I easily pursued my favorite subject English Literature till the tenth grade. I had also received an 'A' in it. Spurred on by my score and more importantly by my love for Literature, I wanted to pursue it further. But my school did not offer it in higher grades. I did not want to lose the chance to study Literature only because it was unavailable at my school. I identified my options. Although it was offered elsewhere, switching over was not easy and quite honestly, it wasn't a feasible option. Mumbling and grumbling was not helping me. Believing that the school could help solve my problem, I, along with a like-minded friend, decided to request the administration to let us take up Literature. Simultaneously, I was gripped with a tingling nervousness. I was willing to give a 100% commitment to English. But I was also about to ask the school to allow me to take up the course and give me the support I need. My future grades would not only mirror my efforts and dedication. Additionally, it would reflect on the school's reputation.

Although we were disheartened when our first request was rejected, it was too soon to give up. The following three months, we constantly circled the authorities' offices. Our hopes dangled in mid-air. My frustration grew as uncertainty gnawed at the back of my mind. Nonetheless, I held on. In retrospective, it was not only to know the school's final decision that made me stick on but also my determination to follow through what I had embarked upon.

By the end of the long wait, the school generously provided us with a teacher and all possible resources to pursue English. Upon receiving the news, I was on cloud 9, while eagerly anticipating the time my classes would commence. Reflecting on that experience, I realize that I should have balanced my enthusiasm with some careful consideration of my expectations.

In the first half of the A-Levels, I had secured an 'A'; upon completion of the two year course, my grade had averaged out to a 'B'. I had even scored full marks in a certain paper. I was elated. Overflowing with gratitude, I rushed to inform the school administration about my performance and thank them for their endless support. I had also come to a gradual understanding over the study period. Yes, grades were important. Yet it had turned more vital for me to understand as well as use my newly gained knowledge to the best of my ability. Now, I fully realize the criticality of this perspective. If I had blindly ran after high grades, I would have misused the tools of thought with which I had been provided.

I had covered the works of writers ranging from Shakespeare to Jane Austen, Tennessee Williams as well as Chinua Achebe. These authors are from eras polars apart. However, they all have dealt in universal themes of love, death, human fallibility and so on. In truth I was learning a global language which transcended time, religion, race and culture. I could step into a character's shoes and view the world through his eyes. My outlook had not only been shaped through books alone. My teacher had been a great influence as well as my friend's views. Personal opinions, real life examples and literary discussions seamlessly merged together. I had been taken on a journey where each day I discovered something anew.

Did I still view the characters as products of imagination that remained strictly within the context of books? No. My brain had been rewired. Shakespeare's Hamlet no longer remained a distant fictional prince of Denmark to me; rather he was only a young, lonely boy around my age who had been confused with all the rapid changes which had taken place around him. I slowly let go of my prejudice against prostitutes as I delved into Blanche, the protagonist of Tennessee Williams' "A Streetcar Named Desire". From an object of abhorrence, I came to see her as a highly vulnerable, exhausted woman who couldn't extricate herself from her society's deadly tentacles. Through English, I was essentially exploring myself and my surroundings. In real life, everywhere I looked, I saw traces of all the literary personalities I had come across. At present, I feel that English helped me see the world around me through different lenses and appreciate the beauty of diversity in perceptions. It also made me more aware of my personal short-comings. When I made a connection between actual and fictional characters, I was ironically not showing the same tolerance with the former as I had shown towards the latter. I regrettably jumped to instantaneous conclusions. It's a painful recollection: but an eye-opener nonetheless. .

Struggling to pursue English Literature was one of the best choices I had made. The journey itself became one of self -discovery as I turned conscious of my existing strengths and weaknesses. My power to think, sense of judgment and faculty of conscience had been enriched as my mental horizons widened. But for me, the road does not end here. My passion for English Literature and determination to achieve a goal has given me the confidence to face new challenges in life, both academic and non-academic. There is still so much left for me to explore, observe and understand. This was only a beginning and the end is nowhere near.

This is coming out great, you are a good and colorful writer. ("Our hopes dangled in mid-air" "...uncertainty gnawed at the back of our minds'.)

I do think you should work the opening sentence into a whole paragraph, maybe an example like a love of books and literature since you were a child. Make it strong and attention grabbing. Oh, I think what you want in the beginning is "treasure trove " instead of cove.

Check your essay for any unnecessary words, cutting out any you don't need. Also, reading through out loud to yourself is helpful.
This is a good subject you wrote about too, it shows that you're serious about your studies and believe in yourself!
Good luck in school!

I noticed something, though...

They are focused on this "evaluation" thing. To me, that refers to conclusion/transition sentences at the end of paragraphs. Each para should start with a topic sentence that tells the main idea of the para, and it should end with a sentence that OBVIOUSLY is analytical... so that the person reading the essay will say, oh, she sure is "evaluating" this!

So... use your conclusion sentences to challenge your own ideas, consider alternative explanations, and stuff like that.

thanks for the help! I'll keep the pointers in mind.

Could you give an example of this Kevin?

Well, look at how they wrote that prompt... they clearly want you to SCRUTINIZE yourself a little bit. They do not want the typical self-aggrandizing admissions essay. You have a great story to tell here, but what they want is for you, perhaps, to reflect that maybe it was not right for you to oppose their decision... or you could write that actually, you realize now that you wanted to keep that program because you were afraid of the new challenges that might replace it. OR, you might say you should have preserved the exploration of Eng Lit by establishing a student organization for it and taking charge yourself.

The point is to "second guess" yourself a little... challenge your own ideas. You'll need to shorten the story and make room for that self-scrutiny! :)

anyone?????

Compared to the rest of your BEAUTIFUL essay, this sounds like a rather "normal" intro.. I like the ad though :P


Please!! Avoid clichés!! You have such a great essay but I think you have to focus more on a strong ending as well as a strong beginning..!!

It still fails to evaluate. I see that you write about the experience of getting over ugly prejudices, and you are writing a very thought-provoking essay... you also are a great writer. I just want to help you fulfill their "introspection" challenge...

An example of using conclusion sentences to EVALUATE is like this:
By the end of the long wait, the school generously provided me with a teacher and all possible resources to pursue English. Upon receiving the news, I floated off to seventh heaven while eagerly anticipating the time till my classes would commence . Reflecting on that experience, I realize that I should have balanced my enthusiasm with some careful consideration of my expectations.

That's just an example. the trick is to throw in some sentences that talk about the story from the perspective of the person you are today as you evaluate the experiences, the thoughts you had.

third edit-please do harshly analyse it! and thank u for all the previous feedbacks! hopefully i've worked on them effectively.

Ha ha, excellent! I see another one, too.. if I had blindly run... thanks for the good work you did; I had a good feeling about using the conclusion sentences to make it "evaluative." Your work here made me a better writer, too.

I bet you'll happy with the way they receive this!

Kevin, I think the thanks should come from me and not the other way round. I felt very confused when I started on the essay. Because of all the help I've received, its in a better state now. Thank you. I'll still be working on it to see whether there's anything else I can do to improve it. But THANK YOU once again :)

final edit...please help out...plus i realised i still dont have a good title for it...suggestions highly welcome.

These are good examples, by the way, good choices.


Yes, this is great introspection. maybe premature is a better word here than instantaneous.