UC personal statement- community and family

this the my first draft for the UC prompt 1 which states " describe the world you come from and tell us how yur world has shaped yur dreams and aspirations."

I am intrigued by how the bonding of different materials and substances are able to produce something greater than the sum of its parts. Perhaps that is why I aspire to a career in chemical engineering.

My life has been like a chemical reaction, many different substances combining to make something new. The amazing family I have, the challenges I have faced, and the accomplishments I have made, have shaped me into the person that I am today. Throughout my life, my family has always encouraged me and believed in my abilities to succeed. Whenever I am in a difficult situation, I know that I have their moral and emotional support. For this reason, I do not view obstacles as unsurpassable and I always try to overcome any hurdle put on my path to success.

A reactant in my life has been my family. I come from a small Mexican-American family and as the eldest of three daughters; I am responsible for setting an example for my younger sisters. Because I know that my sisters look up to me, my motivation to do better is increased and constantly reminds me that failure is not an option. My parents have always taught me to be strong; physically, emotionally, and mentally. They constantly tell me to never let anything get in the way of my dreams. Because of this, I never settle for less than my best and I put all my effort into everything I do.

Another reactant in my life has been my environment. I've been raised in the Imperial Valley, located in far Southeastern California. In the valley, there are many Mexican-American students, but few who have parents that encourage higher education. Very early in my life, my parents took a risk and moved our family from the border town of Calexico, California, to Imperial, California, because they wanted my sisters and me to have access to a better education. In the Imperial School District, my teachers have always encouraged and inspired me. Mr. Gibbs, my teacher for three consecutive years in the subjects of Chemistry, AP Environmental Science, and currently, Physics, has significantly inspired me. He first ignited my interest in chemistry during my sophomore year while taking his chemistry class. He constantly talked about his experiences while he studied chemistry in college and as a chemist. I found his descriptions intriguing and they reinforced my interest in studying chemistry.

As a result of these reactants, I am constantly persistent with my goals and I will not give up on them. I am curious about learning new things and I exhibit my passion for anything that captures my attention. Throughout my life, I have learned to make the best out of the obstacles put in my way and to learn from my mistakes. I hope that one day I can become a chemical engineer. Some chemists may argue that what is put into the reaction is more valuable than the product itself; but I do not agree, what you get out of those elements is as valuable as or more so than the components.

Word count: 516

It's a solid essay, but I think you should try putting something unique to you in the essay. This seems a bit generic, but it's a good start. Just put more of your own personality into it.

Otherwise, good job :]

Well your essay has a neat style, but like Jennifer said, I don't think it's going to catch the AO's eyes. These stories are a little common and you should include something creative or interesting. Keep up the work.

Thank you for the Feedback... I made some changes to it. Hopefully it sounds better

Good metaphor in the intro and conclusion. Even though it may be a bit of a typical essay, I think your essay is good overall. Good job!

Hardships can be obstacles that could be overcomed with effort.. you don't want to sound arrogant, you can say that these hardships to others were a "stop" sign but to you is a bump in the road, whether it's a high one or a small one, easy or hard to overcome..


Cliche, overly used..

Oh my God.. I can totally relate you to myself. I, too, intend on being a chemical engineer. I hope we both do well!
I like your essay, and I like how chemistry is all over the place.. You do seem a bit arrogant in some part of the essay.. I do know that you're an achiever and you're a very smart girl, but the hardest thing to do for a smart successful student is to talk about herself and her positive qualities without sounding arrogant. I think that instead of writing good things about yourself, you should write a mini-event that happened to you combining between more than one quality..

Example:


I raised my hand excitedly, "Yes, Brianna?" the teacher called, surprised. "According to Charles's law, when the pressure increases, the volume decreases, which explains the phenomena you've just mentioned." I said. "Well Brianna, someone's getting ahead of her class, don't you think?" the teacher said.

Something like that.. get your reader into the mood... and make it sound that it's from another person's point of view (like making the teacher say that ur ahead of ur class instead of you stating it).. you don't have to narrate the ecxact situation, but something close that would fit and do the job..

Thank you, yeah I didn't want to sound aggrogant. Its really hard for me to write about myself and I can't really think about anything to write about that would be interesting. I know they say to a good quality you have but I hate sounding like i'm bragging.

I was also thinking about taking out the middle paragraphs because a counselor at my school thought it would be better to write about my world right now. So I'm going to come up with a new draft.

ps. That's amazing, you also want to be a chemical engineer. I do hope we both do well.
wait? Are you already in college? I want to know, because I was just wondering if you're taking classes for your intended major?