Be it the kids in Africa suffering from AIDS, children in India suffering from poverty, or at our very own home in Los Angeles.
"Be it"?? is that the right phrase?
your materialism
I don't think materialism is the best word..
when I use
used
to connect with the people
connect or communicate? or to socialize?
and transitioning into high school
I dunno, transitioning doesn't sound right to me...
which has really shaped me as a person today.
Hmm, you said that phrase twice.. Apart from it being a cliché, you gotta say it's either the bus ride or moving to Cali is what shaped you, or of course, you can say neither..
has been a convenience of mass communication
I didn't get it..
I think University of California would be the right place for me in achieving my goals and dreams of becoming a pediatrician or family medicine doctor.
not the best ending..
Do you "feel" your essay whenever you read it? You have to make sure that the readers will "feel" your essay.. as our English teacher says, it has to have a hook, too.. You have to write it in a more attractive way..
Another thing, I'm not sure if I'm right or wrong, maybe other members will tell u if I am or not, but isn't it irrelevant, or a "relevant wannabe"? You keep mentioning my world and all, but the whole topic is about community service.. but that's just me..