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"I was born to a family of immigrants" - Editing Help for my admissions essay.


greatzak 3 / 6  
Nov 17, 2009   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

I have never thought about the world I come from, instead always assuming that I was a typical teenager with an average family. Though, looking back upon my life I realize how wrong I was. I was born to a family of immigrants in a rural town in Northern California. Living on a farm I was well acquainted with being lonely at times as I had no siblings and the adults in my life were usually busy with chores. Due to the lack of attention, I always aspired to be the best in everything I did. To this day, whether it is school work, sports, or chores I try my best to accomplish it with perfection.

When I was 7 years old my parents gave me the biggest surprise of my young life. We were moving to the urbanized area of town. I was in shock. I did not know how to feel about either situation. All I could think about was, "Will I make friends at my new school or will nobody like me?" I would worry about it all day, but the more I whined to my parents about not moving the more they scolded me. It was at this point that I realized that there was nothing I could do about it. So I told myself that I didn't care what was going to happen, instead I was just going to enjoy myself as much as I could before we moved. Although it seemed like a temporary mindset, even when we moved I continued to live in the moment. As I grew older I would never regret my mistakes, but instead learned from them, because I knew that I could not change them. I also never thought about the future because I knew that I could not possibly know what is going to happen.

I am a person who lives in the present. I do not stress over what is to come or what has gone by, but instead all that I can enjoy in the present. I do not have many dreams, in fact I only have one and that is to be happy throughout my journey in life. I aspire not only to be the best that I can possibly, but also to try my best to be better then others. I enjoy learning not only in school, but even more so in the "real world". I enjoy learning about other's culture, religion, and beliefs as I refuse to be ignorant and believe that everything I believe in is perfect. Finally this is not to say that I am not my own person. I am my own individual, but I do not think it is wrong to try to learn from those who are successful.

Any editing help would be appreciated,

Thank You
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Nov 17, 2009   #2
I have never thought about the world I come from, instead always assuming that I was a typical teenager with an average family

^That would mean, that you belong to a typical and average world. Given that you have always assumed this as well, you can not say that you never thought about the world you came from.

Due to the lack of attention, I always aspired to be the best in everything I did. To this day, whether it is school work, sports, or chores I try my best to accomplish it with perfection.

^There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE between being the best in everything you do, and trying your best to accomplish something.

Your introductory paragraph speaks for itself. It is quite poor.
Avoid making such frivolous statements, because they never do any good in an admissions essay.
Jd87rh 11 / 55  
Nov 20, 2009   #3
good luck, and if you need anyone to read your essay or help you brain storm ideas. I'd be happy to help.

What i did for mine was think about events in my life that have changed the way a view something.

And if you cant think of anything that changed you.
just think of something you've done that should have changed you and go from there

Or many talk about a person who changed you, or your favorite hobbies.

there is alot you can write


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