'My father was born in Bolivia' - Most Significant Person - common app

Most Significant Person--Common App Essay

Topic: Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Newborns come into this world defenseless and unable to provide any protection or necessities. Parents provide these needs as well as teach their children values and morals. They have the greatest influence on our lives. They are the only ones who truly know our strengths and weaknesses. They taught us how to eat, walk, talk, and how to behave as well as influencing our choices and thoughts. They raised us to the best of their capacity and sacrifice anything to provide a better life for us. For these reasons, my father is my greatest influence.

My father was born in Bolivia, a very underprivileged country. As a child he didn't experience such a luxurious life. He had a large family; twelve children including him, as well as his mother and father. My grandparents had a daily struggle to keep food on the table and provide their best for the children. They had a very difficult life; they shared rooms and clothes because more could not be afforded. He once told me about his shoes that were filled with holes and falling apart, but still wore them because he had no others. He wanted a better life for himself as well as his children that he would soon have. For these reasons, he moved to the United States. Shortly after moving to the US, he met my mother who also was from Bolivia and went through struggle and wanted better, wanted more. Together they both struggled to make a good life for themselves. When they were somewhat stable my brother and I were born. My mother worked at soldiering jewelry and after many jobs my father finally found a job which he enjoyed at White Manufacturing. They both continued their jobs. My father and his boss grew a very tight bond. His boss, Mr. White, donated us clothes and other necessities we were in need of. He helped bring my three half brothers from Bolivia and helped my parents become citizens of the United States. Tragically, this year Mr. White has passed away. After 15 years of employment, my father remains loyal to the company and Mr. White and is determined to work there for the rest of his life. Because of my father, my mother was able to take classes which enabled her to open her own business, a home daycare. He has brought our family all the way from the bottom to now living comfortably in our own house.

My father's perseverance to give his children the best made this possible. He wanted us to have everything that he desired as a child but couldn't financially afford. He has inspired me to get the most I can out of life and try my best to be successful. I've learned through him to push myself and challenge myself constantly. I am now an over-achiever and do my best at any obstacle that is thrown to me. I've learned to be determined and never give up. My goal is to be successful in life. I want to show that I am capable of the goals that he once wanted to reach and beyond those. Today, I have more opportunities than he ever had and if he reached his goal under his circumstances, I can do it without a problem.

nice.
you can separate the first paragraph to two paragraphs.
(your father's life in Bolivia) 1
(your father in united state) 2

my father remains loyal to the company and decided to work there for the rest of his life.
He has brought our family all the way from rags to riches .
and do my best at any obstacle that will face me.

I am now an over-achiever
explain

rephrase


and were falling apart


repetition.. you mentioned that phrase in the first paragraph and your 2nd


rephrase


rephrase


cliche

Overall, your topic is overused, but your dad is from Bolivia, making your situation a bit different. I think you should focus more on your father's background since it is what most makes your essay different. Another thing, I find how you phrase your sentences is a bit confusing. Try to reword your essay and make it as direct as possible with short sentences. I think you can make this a really good essay if only you put more effort on making it unique.. if you do not have a unique essay topic, you should focus on making the content special..

All this material above... it all basically says the same thing, which is that his determination inspires determination in you -- and that is quite cliched in admissions essays.

BUT, I am not asking you to change it completely. I just want you to Add more depth by relating anecdotes about times when you faced situations that made you reflect on his accomplishments, etc.