This program has been a huge part of my life these past few years and I know much of my hard-work has paid off. I have gotten my mother to also become involved in the church and she, as well, converted to Catholicism. In addition, in the beginning of November 2009, I received the yearly _____ Award for dedicating and committing much of my time to this church.
I feel that my dedicated and compassionate personality will be very useful in the future with my career. I wish to go into the health/ medical field because I really love to interact and help other people.
Your ending is almost complete! One more statement about the role that your school had in shaping your dreams and aspirations to pursue a career in health care, and you will be done. Perhaps something along the lines of the opportunities you were given and the demands placed on you showed that you are capable and competent, and the trust you were shown bolstered your conviction to continue to provide guidance, courage, and strength to others...education
is a way to put yourself in a position to
use your God-given talents.
Watch your overuse of colons and semi-colons in paragraph 5. I am a master at making sentences too long, haha! Use commas for items in a series (an "item" can be more than one word as long as it is one thing), and only use a colon or semi-colon once in a sentence - if you feel compelled to throw an unruly amount of punctuation in there, the sentence is too long. I am talking from experience and guidance here...
Can I get a witness??
Blue skies!
Jeannie
This is very good, Jessica! There are some errors that a final read-through edit will bring to light, but overall, an excellent essay.