Hey guys :)
I would really appreciate it if you could critique the following essay:
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The sounds of doors banging shut and furniture screeching drift down the hallway into my room. As I carefully hang up my navy blue and white striped sweater, I can already imagine my first meeting with my new roommate.
"Hey! It's so great to finally meet you!"
I would probably give her a hug, or warm handshake to ease the atmosphere a little.
"I'm Lu by the way, and as you can probably tell from the photos of my friends and the scenery stuck on the wall, I'm from Hong Kong. So, where are you from?"
"Let me tell you a few things about me. I'm not just your average, stereotypical, 17 year old Asian. While I enjoy my fair share of TV dramas and teenage magazines, one of my quirky habits is to read about Greek mythology. I know it may sound strange, but it really is fascinating. I'm also quite a musical person, since I'm at quite a high grade for piano playing, and I took music for my IB Diploma at school. Generally, I prefer music from the 80s, but also a few bands that are around today. I mostly like decoding the meanings behind the lyrics."
"Usually, to relieve stress or anger, I go jogging at night, a little something I call anger-running which actually helps me sleep better. I normally sleep quite late, since I find I work better at night. I'll apologize in advance if I keep you up at night! Or if it bothers you, I'm sure the library can accommodate me. "
"Typically, I'm a happy person; you can probably tell by the bright colors I've decorated my half of the room with. At the same time, I'm also quite spontaneous. During our four years, you'll have to live with my inane theories and silly stories that I come up with, at the most random times. But, I'm sure we'll have a blast! Living at Stanford is going to be amazing."
"But first, tell me a little about yourself."
Knock. Knock.
"She's here!"
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Any comments/suggestions on how to improve?
THANKS A MILLION!
this is a really cute essay and all... But I feel like I've read it before... Have you posted this essay on an earlier date? If not, then I don't know. There's definitely been an essay that ends the same way. I don't know if that counts as plagiarism if the essay structure is the same
xoxovicki
I also remember reading an essay that ended in the same way. I think your essay is good, but it sounds a little bit unnatural, if you know what I mean. If you have time, I would write about one of your specific quirks that makes you who you are. For instance, in my EA essay I wrote about how I like to dance wildly to latin pop when I take breaks from doing HW. I was able to really desscribe something, rather than just list things like you did.
*really wants to do a stanford application himself*
I think your whole idea is wonderful! I can't really critique your writing to be more precise/appropriate as the masters here are able to (and I can't wait to see how they feel about mine when I'm done later tonight), but definitely.. I hope you stick with that idea of speaking to someone in the written form, it's something I haven't seen yet.
