"It was like living in a mini zoo" - UC Prompt #1: My college app. essay

This is my essay for UCSD and the prompt is "Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."

Please be brutally honest and point out all the flaws! Thanks in advance!!

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"Growing up in my house was like living in a mini zoo of domestic animals. I can't remember a time when the animals in my house didn't outnumber the people two to one.

Being raised in an environment so fraught with various animals instilled a passion in me at a very young age and by the time I was four years old I was determined to become a veterinarian.

From the time that I was ten years old until I was thirteen I struggled to find ways to gain experience outside of my own home. Shelters and animals groomers constantly turned me down because of my age and liability issues, but I didn't want to give up.

When I was eleven years old my neighbor made me an offer I couldn't refuse: an opportunity to care for her nine-year-old cat, while she was away on various trips throughout the year.

During my time working for my neighbor, one cat became two and before I knew it I was helping her raise seven kittens; I attended veterinary visits as well and eventually helped her find qualified homes for six of the seven kittens.

Despite the time and effort I put into trying to gain experience, something in me had changed; I still loved animals but was drifting away from the idea of being a veterinarian and by my freshman year in high school my passion had been reignited thanks to an AP biology class that I was taking. This class opened me up to a whole new world of animal life: marine life. I was enthralled in the idea of studying the mysteries of the ocean and couldn't believe there was so much of the ocean that remained undiscovered.

Studying marine life fascinated me and I was filled with nostalgia of childhood dreams of being a mermaid.

I officially decided to be a marine biologist half way through my freshman year, after finally deciding it was okay to let go of my old ambitions, and began looking for ways to put my plans into action. At age sixteen I began volunteering at an aquarium thirty miles from home and learned more than I thought imaginable. I found love in brightly colored fish and am constantly amazed by how different marine life is from cats and dogs.

My ambitions in life have always centered on one main goal. And although the path I'm on has taken a few turns along the way, I've never veered from that first goal of helping animals in any way that I can.

I can't imagine what my life would be like if I hadn't grown up with so many animals, they have shaped me in many ways and I would be lost without them."

Great essay! it was well written and your diction throughout your essay was consistent.
My only suggestion is that you talk more about your newfound love for the marine biology
because the majority of your essay is spent talking about how you took care of animals.
Maybe you could talk more exactly what about the ocean excites you. You say the mystery intrigues you, but maybe you could be more specific and talk about how there's such a diversity of life underneath the sea. You just need to convey the fact that your love for marine biology is GREATER than your interest in veterinary sciences.

outnumber = one word
, at least


combine into one sentence. I think you can
Finally, <I think Guy and Lisa can be taken out. you don't use the names throughout.>


can be combined too.
<I'm not sure what's wrong with your spacing. New paragraphs?>
I was [filled]overcome with nostalgia of childhood dreams of being a mermaid.
At the age of sixteen


do you need to put this achievement? maybe just say you finally received recognition of your efforts/pursuit.


misuse of semicolon. [that first goal of helping...]


[shaped me in many ways]

very cool story.some grammar errors but it's nice. also the weird spacing/enters. watch em

It relates to the essay prompt very well.. I liked it..

In your ending you said that your goal didn't change, which is helping animals, but your path changed.. I think you should include how you will help the animals by being a marine biologist because you mentioned discovering the unknown as what you will contribute to the world as a marine biologist..