here my heat beat in my ears. Yes, I'm nervous and this can't be happening to me.
hear*..
They are overused sentences anyways.. try to find a new way to express it..
appreciate the many disadvantaged people who need someone to notice and appreciate them
they need to be appreciated? don't they need care and attention..?
Just as I faced what I thought was a challenging and impromptu task, I am now ready to face unknown challenges in my future.
Cliché ending..
I don't know, it's a pretty nice story but I didn't quite feel it well.. if it's an admission essay, you should reflect it more on yourself.. The first paragraph is unneeded.. don't write "2nd", it's "second"..
I think you should narrate it from a different angle, maybe start the story from when you were called to tell the story to give the "impromptu" impression..