Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.
The cigarette plummets to the ground. Its smoldering ember slowly dims to a black nothingness. It is no longer capable of controlling my adolescent life. I made a decision that day. By quitting smoking I did not simply kick a toxic addiction. Smoking reminded me of a terrible decision I had made among bad company; people that I no longer associate with. Therefore, by quitting, I symbolically let the memories of a bad past leave me - a transition to a new beginning.
As I had made a decision that day, for a less than obvious reason, today I decide to apply to Stanford University for a less obvious reason. Most institutions boast diversity, but they simply admit different ethnicities to appear diverse on graphs that depict their student body in numbers. To me, diversity is so much more profound than ethnicity. A student body that is ethnically diverse eclectically draws from novel experiences, making it enchanting, but a student body that is various in intellectual curiosities is perhaps even more crucial. The Stanford student body is one of the few I know of that successfully merges both forms of diversity. It comprises of technical wizards, writing gurus, business titans, and everything in between. Stanford's students enter one-sided and leave well-rounded due to immersion in a community of one-sided individuals.
Ultimately, I believe people constantly make decisions that significantly alter their future. In fact, revealing that I had at one point smoked while under the legal age was a risky decision itself. Why did I make it? I felt it necessary to make it clear that I was not perfect, nor do I claim to presently be perfect. I hope that, if I am accepted and I do attend, no single student at Stanford is perfect either. That is the essence of diversity.
I already submitted my application, but I was just wondering what you guys thought of the essay. Feel free to point out grammatical flaws, etc. Just wondering if you liked it. :-)
Stanford's students enter one-sided and leave well-rounded due to immersion in a community of one-sided individuals.
I felt it necessary to make it clear that I was not perfect, nor do I claim to presently to be perfect.
I think it was good.. but you could have maybe added one or two other aspects that influenced u to apply or that make it a good fit for you.
Still i like it, because the first sentence drew me into the story, which is a good good good thing!
Thank you! The character limit for this essay was 1800, and this essay is currently at 1780. I really wanted to draw on me quitting smoking because I truly believe imperfection is the essence of diversity, and I thought my endeavors fit accordingly. If I could have fit other aspects of Stanford that I love, I would have (it's an endless list), but I'm just happy that I could incorporate my love of their student body's diversity.
I agree, it is a nice hook. However, it seems really tacked on. Especially when you say:
"As I had made a decision that day, for a less than obvious reason, today I decide to apply to Stanford University for a less obvious reason."
I would advise you to state your main point (basically what you say in the conclusion) at the end of your first paragraph or at the beginning of your second. That way your essay has a coherent direction. As opposed to: "Hey I quit smoking" followed by "yay diversity"
I also think that diversity is a very generic reason to apply to a school. Your approach is unique, however, you can find diversity at any number of schools. It would be a good idea to drop the name of a special program (even a program that celebrates diversity) or two that is unique to Standford. This shows that you've done your research and this isn't just another recycled essay.
Good luck!
