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Growing up who was my childhood Hero (My Uncle)


janeypooh 4 / 15  
Jun 4, 2010   #1
Who was your childhood hero? As for myself I can think of one person who I always thought about as being my childhood hero. My uncle Manue, he had great personal traits that made him my childhood hero. Growing up I witnessed how responsible, family oriented, and organized my uncle was.

I remember my uncle being responsible with paying bills on time and having excellent credit score. We would have conversations when I was a child how important it is to be responsible with your bills and credit score. It seemed as on a daily basis he would advised to be responsible when I grow-up. He was always the reliable one in the family that everyone went to when they needed some sort of assistance in their lifes. My mother and other uncles would communicate with him and he was always there regardless of what the circumstance was.

"Family comes first" were my uncle's words when I was a child. He instilled it in us, so we can remember that when we became adults. My uncle enjoyed playing with us. It was either playing hide-in-seek, basketball, Nintendo, swimming or soccer. He had time to dedicate to us. When he had his first child he was ecstatic that he had become a father. I remember him saying how wonderful it is to be a parent. As my cousin grew up he put her in sports. He went to all the games that his daughter had played in and took many pictures of her in her uniforms.

My uncle was organized in every way possible. When he would travel out of state or to a different country he would make sure he would mail his bills on a timely manner. He had an office room with a file cabinet where he stored all of his bills. Of course, they were all labeled. Going to his house, he had everything organized. The bedrooms, office room, and garage were always clean and immaculate.

Growing up I admired my uncle and would often say "I want to my like my uncle Meno when I grow up" I can strongly say that I have the same personal traits that my uncle tought me when I was a child. I am the responsible, family oriented, and organized person that I admired from my uncle who was my childhood hero.
OP janeypooh 4 / 15  
Jun 4, 2010   #2
Sorry, I forgot to mention this is for CBEST writing.
Nesreen 15 / 41  
Jun 5, 2010   #3
I really enjoy reading the essay. it is really good. but there is something
try to use one tense in your essay that is Past tense.
Growing up I admired my uncle and I would often say "I want to be my like my uncle Meno when I grow up"
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 5, 2010   #4
Use a colon:
As for myself I can think of one person who I always thought about as being my childhood hero: My uncle, Manue. He had great personal traits that made him my childhood hero.

Use a hyphen:
family-oriented

Add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. It is short, so you have room to add a POWERFUL thesis statement. Try to tell the main message of the essay in a SINGLE sentence, and tack it onto the end of that first para.

Use a comma:
"Family comes first," were my uncle's...

When he had his first child he was ecstatic that he had become a father.--- very good sentence!! You have great writing skills, despite sme small errors.

:-)

...were always clean and immaculate. --- it is redundant to say clean and immaculate.
OP janeypooh 4 / 15  
Jun 8, 2010   #5
Thank you for your comments! Am I making sense on my writing? Also, how are the transitions?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Jun 10, 2010   #6
It definitely makes sense, and you have a nice way of expressing yourself. The transitions between paragraphs are nonexistent, though, because you could put these paragraphs in any order, as they're all about different observations with no transition sentences to lead from one paragraph to the next. Transitions are the hardest parts of writing composition, because you have to refer to what is coming up next while also finishing up the current paragraph.

Even though they are the hardest part, you can accomplish transitions well by simply repeating a word or phrase from the last sentence of the previous paragraph when you write the first sentence of the new paragraph, which is what I am doing here. I just did a little transition by repeating the phrase "are the hardest part." That helps keep the reader's attention.

I hate trying to write good transitions. Sometimes they are not even helpful... but if you do transitions well it is impressive.

If you write a new version of this with good transitions, I'll send other EF writers to look at this thread and see it as an example. So, do a good job and we will help a lot of people learn about transitions! :-)


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