I need some feedback in this essay. English is not my first language and I got a lot of problems with my writing. Could you please read my assay and make suggestions. ?
Thanks
Mari
During my undergraduate education, my laboratory courses prepared me for taking different internships in Microbiology. One of the internships was at the Health Metropolitan Direction, Food Laboratory, Quito Ecuador. My work at this laboratory was limited to culture techniques such as: determination of microbial quality indicators (Aerobic Plate Count, Coliforms, and Escherichia coli (generic), Yeast and Mold, Coagulase positive Staphylococci) and the isolation of Salmonella spp and Bacillus cereus.
After graduating with a BS degree in Clinical and Applied Microbiology in Ecuador, I moved to US with clear goals such as: becoming involved in food microbiology research and acquire skills and knowledge that allow me to collaborate with the improvement of the food safety system in my country.
Over the past two years, I have been working for the NYS Department of Agriculture and Markets in the position of Chemist Aide. My experience at this lab has been very rewarding.
I have collaborated in different research programs at this lab such as: Food Emergency Response Network (FERN), PulseNet, network sponsored by CDC and Microbiological Data Program (MDP).
The Food Laboratory as a member of the FERN, participate in the validation of molecular assays and culture techniques for the rapid detection of foodborne pathogens. Collaborating with this project allow me to get experience with different laboratory techniques such : Real Time PCR, Conventional PCR for detecting E.coli O157 and Shigella spp., Immunoassays for detecting Clostridium botulinum toxin and Staphilococcical enterotoxin A and B.
I have also been involved in the Quality Assurance Unit controlling the performance of the process in the Microbiological Data Program.
Our lab participate in the a study on the ecology and epidemiology of Listeria monocytogenes in retail store environments, collaborating with this study allow me to be proficient in subtyping techniques such as: ribotyping and PFGE. I am currently PFGE certified with allow me to upload PFGE patterns of Listeria monocytogenes, Salmonella and E.coli O157:H7 to the PulseNet databases, which are an important source for molecular surveillance of foodborne pathogens and outbreaks investigation.
The experience, the courses that I hope to earn at Minnesota U S public health will enable me to make a lasting contribution to my laboratory in the different areas that I work. Food surveillance is the essence of the lab those courses are going to allow to contribute with better strategies that improve the assessment of food safety hazards in my state.
The experience that I have got in my lab in invaluable, however financially I can not afford my courses at School of Public Health Institute University of Minnesota, it would be very rewarding to be able to access to this courses and get knowledge skills that would be a meaningful for my lab.
Greetings!
Actually, I think your English is very good! I can help with a few minor corrections.
culture techniques such as: determination... - I noticed that you used this sentence structure more than once in your essay. A better way to do it would be: culture techniques, such as determination...It looks more like "natural" English that way.
I moved to US - I moved to the US
participate in the validation - participating in the validation
allow me to get experience - allowed me to get experience
Our lab participate in the a study - Our labe participated in a study
retail store environments, collaborating - retail store environments. Collaborating... (start a new sentence)
this study allow me to be proficient - this study allowed me to become proficient
certified with allow me - certified, which allows me
The experience, the courses - The experiences and the courses
Minnesota U S public health - if this is the name of an institution, "Public Health" needs to be capitalized
essence of the lab those courses - essence of the lab. These courses (new sentence)
going to allow to contribute with better strategies that improve - going to allow me to contribute better strategies to improve
state. - I'm unclear as to whether you mean a "state" (like in the United States) or your country.
I have got in my lab in invaluable, howeverfinancially I can not afford my courses at School of Public Health Institute University of Minnesota, - I have received in my lab is invauable. However, financially I cannot afford . . . of Minnesota. [End the sentence here]
it would be very rewarding to be able to access to this courses and get knowledge skills that would be a meaningful for my lab. - It would be very rewarding to have access to these courses and to obtain the knowledge and skills that will be meaningful in my lab.
Since you seem to be applying for financial aid, you might want to add a sentence that asks outright for the scholarship.
I hope this helps. Good luck--I hope it all works out well!
Sarah
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