This is my escape; SOP UTexas at Austin Radio/TV/Film

This is what I have started for my Statement of purpose for admission to the University of Texas at Austin the requested essay asked for the following....

So if any one could give me some feedback I would appreciate it, Thanks in advance.

The soft cushioned chairs, the light smell of popcorn and the mesmerizing screen. This is my escape, my chance to leave the world of violence, sadness and difficulty outside. For those 2 hours I am immersed in a whole new world: The world of Film.

My love affair with film began at the age of nine when I first saw the movie Gone with the Wind. I could recite the entire script by heart; I memorized each ...

The soft cushioned chairs, the light smell of popcorn and the mesmerizing screen. This is my escape, my chance to leave the world of violence, sadness and difficulty outside. For those 2 hours I am immersed in a whole new world: The world of Film.

This is
I am immersed
^Is this a routine ritual, or something that happened once in the past?

Now this was a cute dream at nine, but as I grew older I realized that the dream of being in the movies had transformed. I realized in high school when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi that I did not just want to be "in" the movies I wanted to create them. I wanted to hold that shiny new camera, I wanted to call out directions, and I wanted to create the angles most directors only dreamed of. Most of all I wanted to create something that would inspire someone, anyone to find their dream.

^First sentence is unnecessarily cliched for my liking.
Second sentence revision: In high school, when I first saw Robert Rodriguez's El Mariachi, I realized that I did not want to be in movies. Rather, I realized that I want to create movies.

3rd sentence: Did you want to, in the past? Or do you still want to do those things?
4th sentence: The same thing applies to ''wanted'' once again. Creating ''something'' is vague whereas creating a ''movie'' is specific.

My parents had always been adamant that I earn a degree. As the youngest of three girls my sisters left little hope that we would be attending a graduation ceremony in the near future. When my dad retired after twenty years with the VA hospital and numerous moves we finally returned home to Texas. In this time I attended twelve schools in twelve years. Making friends was hardly worth the effort and my main focus became school and I graduated in the top twenty-five percent of my class. I never dreamed that college would be out of reach when I graduated high school but when my dad became disabled and unable to work I left my acceptance to the University of Texas at San Antonio behind and continued working full time while attending Northwest Vista Community College. For the next eight years my only concern was applying to the Radio/Television and Film school of the University of Texas at Austin. Each class selected was purposely chosen to coincide with UT's requirements. I watched as all of my high school classmates completed their degrees and walked the stage. I vowed to be the first member of my family to graduate from a major University with a Bachelor's Degree.

^Personally, I found this boring.

My purpose is to accomplish my dream of finishing college, earning my degree and inspiring others with the films I plan to create

^Revise grammar parallelism

As a Mexican-American I have watched films that portray people of my heritage in a negative light. The stereotypical images on screen are solely of gang members, drug dealers or prison inmates. Oddly enough very few Latino characters are portrayed as college graduates. As I struggled to continue to attend school while working full time I now know why Latinos are portrayed in film this way. When you have very little money and works fulltime to survive, it is easy to let school slide to the back burner if not completely off the stove!

^The first four sentences are, what Id consider to be, fairly controversial generalisations.
Your final sentence's simile is rather ineffective in my opinion (I dont get it)
Furthermore, the pronoun ''you'' in this context is incorrect.

I want to become a part of the film industry not only to change the negative view of minorities in film but to also change the view of Latinos in this world.

^Perhaps, you can give an example of how you can do this? Its one thing to make a big claim. Its another thing to know how to live up to that claim.

Wow, well I guess I will just start over. thanks.

Actually, I take that back I just want someone else to give me their CONSTRUCTIVE critique on this one not just blunt statements that are not really helpful. Please someone else let me know what you think. Thanks

I'm no grammar buff, so I'll refrain from giving advice on the same. I'll just see if your essay has any other problems.


This is a cliched phrase. Can you use a different one?


Okay, I can see why Liebe said this part was boring.
I won't go that far, but I certainly think you are digressing here. A statement of purpose is different from normal college essays. If you read the prompt carefully, you'll see that the whole essay should be somehow related to your chosen discipline. The instructions make that point very clear.

I'd suggest that you concisely say in one line why you could not attend UTSA immediately. Then talk about how you prepared yourself to meet UT's requirements. You can elaborate on what classes you took.

Do you understand what I mean? Everything you say should be built around your chosen discipline. The part about changing schools and stuff is not really relevant.

For the next paragraph, I have to agree with Liebe. There is certainly a hint of generalization; it's not much, but it is there all the same. Some people may interpret that you have not watched enough movies on Latinos. In other words, you may not have the amount of knowledge necessary to make those conclusions.

Can you find a different angle of saying the same thing -- an angle which is objective in nature? That's because I like that part. It shows that you have a certain goal, and this is very important in an SOP.

Michele, you just need to focus your essay a bit more towards your subject and your goals. Do that and your essay should come out fine.

Thank you this was very helpful I will try to work on your suggestions and appreciate your help :)

Hi Michele, those blunt statements are sometimes the best ones! And sometimes it is hard to express what is on one's mind while trying to help find room to improve your work.

I was drawn to that same 'boring' part... it is just a little glitch in the middle. It's not useful to say your parents were adamant about you earning a degree. Don't give them credit for your strong intention. Instead, focus on that purpose:


This is not specific enough. I hope to see a list of several meaningful details about what you hope to do in 21st century film. I don't think you should include mention of your goal of earning a degree, because it is just too obvious. Instead, speak of earning the degree as a means of getting to where you want to be. Give details about how you will use your time at this school and how you will use the degree after you graduate.

Keep in mind that we can really only help by criticizing, so don't take offense! On a more obvious level, your writing is excellent. I like your use of paragraph breaks, your excellent descriptions of how you changed and your references to those great films you mentioned. (El Mariachi was weirdly brilliant!). Let's try to give the reader a full feature film, now, though, and really show the future -- tell about your plans as though you are already directing some films. In fact, tell about the film you are making now or preparing to make. I know you have one in mind! :-)

Thanks Kevin,
your comments were very helpful. I understand that criticism is necessary I was merely stating that just saying "this is boring" wasn't helpful. Your elaboration was much more helpful. This was my first attempt and I wasnt really sure how to begin. I always feel that the hardest part is just to start an essay so that you can build on to it or tear it apart afterwards. Thanks again for your insights and yeah I think I understand more about what should be included. I'll revise this and submit it for your critique.

Thanks,
Michele

Yep, some of the most rigorous writing practice that takes place here occurs when we try to articulate our feedback.

I look forward to your next post! Also, I agree that the hardest part is getting started. You need to wait until the inspiration comes, and then the writing is easy.

Okay Kevin, I have completely changed my statement of Purpose to UT Austin. I recently visited the school and gain some new inspiration and a new direction. what do you think?

Thanks Michele

Statement of Purpose
"The truth was I had been a filmmaker ever since the day I had closed my eyes and pictured myself making movies. The rest was inevitable. So you don't want to be a filmmaker, you are a filmmaker. Go make yourself a business card." -Robert Rodriguez

These words by my biggest inspiration are the reason why I want to attend the University of Texas at Austin. I am a filmmaker. My creativity and skills have helped me attain an assistant videographer position with a local wedding photographer here in San Antonio, however my goals in film stretch far beyond the pews of churches and reception halls and the limited capability of my MAC editing system. I want to create movies. I want to add to the rich and eccentric culture of Austin. I want to join the legacy that is the University of Texas. When the time came to decide what school I wanted to earn my degree there were no long comparisons of school academics and locality or even money. There was only one answer for me. The only degree I have ever wanted to pursue: a degree in Film. Ever since I was a child and I experience the magic of cinema. Lost in that beautiful world up on the big screen my goal has never wavered. I have dreamed of nothing but U.T. for the last 10 years. As soon as I crossed that high school graduation stage I was immediately focused on my journey ahead to the school of my dreams.

My goal is to achieve the best possible education in order to succeed in the world of film. My film career goals in the simplest terms, is to be one of the top female directors in cinema history. I wish to create a legacy of excellence. The University of Texas and the school of Communication will provide me the education to achieve these goals. I recently toured the campus, and as I walked through the halls and looked up at the massive tower I knew I was exactly where I belonged. I am determined and focused. My love and passion for film will only thrive at U.T. I can discover my full potential through the unparallel standards that UT demands. I know that I can reach my utmost potential because the University of Texas and mainly the College of Communication has produced films and directors who attest to the excellence of their education. With your acceptance I plan to be a part of that list of distinguished names, so that one day someone will be inspired by one of my films and the legacy will continue.

Hi Michele, sorry, it is taking a long time to get through all the essays being posted. If you and your friend spend some time helping other people via the Unanswered list, it'll be a big help! :-) Things are busy around here from now until the end of the year.

I like the quote and the intro... that is top quality stuff.

Now how about this ambiguous sentence -- I want to create movies.
That could just as easily be a more meaningful sentence if you just add maybe a word or two. What idea do you want to plan in the reader's mind at that point in the essay? They don't care if some essayist wants to make movies. They will only care if you say something like, "I want to make movies that hurt to watch," or "I want to make documentaries that keep politicians honest," or some other specific or intriguing thing. Want to hint at an area of specialization?

Here is another area where I recommend a mega-dose of specificity: My film career goals in the simplest terms, is to be one of the top female directors in cinema history. I wish to create a legacy of excellence. I don't think Rodriguez found inspiration by trying to be the "top" something-or-other. This is not as inspirational as a sentence that expresses an intention associated with specific creative filmmaking projects. I think the way you revise this sentence will depend on the way you revise the sentence "I want to create movies."

How will you do it? Muster that inspiration! :-)

Thank you I appreciate your help.