Do you think I have sufficiently answered the question? Any help on the grammer, punctuation, sentence structure will be appreciated.
Do you consider yourself a person who would contribute to the diversity of the student body here? Please explain briefly (1000 characters or less).
Statistically, I offer little in diversity as it relates to a politically-correct sampling of various ethnicities, religions, sexualities, and socioeconomic groups. However, I have come to realize that true diversity is found through the invaluable sharing of various human experiences. It is through these experiences which makes each of us unique.
An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and innate ability to be disarming. I suppose I developed these traits having spent many years following my mother as she volunteered in nursing homes as a child and continued my volunteerism during high school and college.
Being able to interact with people in a way where they don't feel the need to be defensive fosters open engaging conversation. It is genuine and real. I often would be amazed at how strangers would just start talking to my mother as if they were life ling friends. Now, that same thing happens to me.
Cool opening sentence, Frick!!
It is through these experiences which makes each of us unique.
Awkward sentence.
My version:
It is through these experiences that we become unique.
or
These experiences are which make each of us unique.
An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and
the innate ability to be disarming.
Hi Mr. Frick,
I agree with Hussain, in that you have a great opening sentence in your essay! I see that the word "ethnicities" becomes underlined in red with this program, but the word is spelled correctly, so I am not sure what's going on there. I did take the time to change a few of the sentences, mainly for clarity. For example, the last sentence in the first paragraph -- I think it reads better with the change I made.
It would be great, I think, if you could expound on the essay, as I think that it's an interesting subject; however, I know that you are limited with respect the amount of words you can use. Perhaps next time. In any event, you have written a good essay.
Mark :)
Statistically, I offer little in diversity as it relates to a politically-correct sampling of various ethnicities, religions, sexualities, and socioeconomic groups. However, I have come to realize that true diversity is found through the invaluable sharing of various human experiences. It is through these experiences which makes each of us uniquebecause of these experiences that we are all unique .
An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and my innate ability to be disarming. I suppose I developed these traits having spent many years following my mother as she volunteered in nursing homes as a child and continued my volunteerism during high school and college.
Being able to interact with people in a way where that they don't feel the need to be defensive fosters an open, engaging conversation. It is genuine and real. I often wouldwould often be amazed at how strangers would just start talking to my mother as if they were life ling long friends. Now, that same thing happens to me.
Question: the use of the word innate doesn't seem to fit the more I reread the essay. Do you think replacing with inherent would be better? Or, am I nitpickink?
Yes, you're right. Since you say in the next sentence that you developed that quality, so it would be slightly contradictory to say the word innate.
Inherent is definitely better.
An aspect of my uniqueness is my empathy for others and innate ability to be disarming.
Since you say in the next sentence that you developed that quality, so it would be slightly contradictory to say the word innate.
Inherent is definitely better.
Oh, ha ha... I see what Ershad means. Well, inherent does not work either. Inherent is used to say that a particular process has a quality inherent in it. I think innate is better when talking about natural things or things about a person, but if you DEVELOPED this quality while growing up, it is not innate.
However, you can keep the word innate and talk about actively improving it.
