this is my engineering essay for YALE...please tell me how to conclude it...and comment on the essay...rate it...tell me places i ought to improve...any quotations that might help??
Right from the time when I could decide for myself, I knew I wanted to do nothing more in life than follow in my father's footsteps and become an engineer. Machines fascinated me. The way in which metal and a jumbled set of wires created some of the most useful commodities in the world Vague. Try to elaborate on the usefulness of said commodities.had intrigued me, right from the start. Over the years, the number of reasons that made me want to pursue engineering increased manifold. Rushed. It sounds like you're trying to fit in volumes of information within limited space.I loved to read about the latest happenings in the world of science and technology and watched a lot of informative shows on the television. Moreover, constant good grades in math, physics, chemistry and computer science ensured that my parents and teachers supported me throughout and reassured me that I had all the makings of a good engineer. The last line sounds boastful. The reader will think you're trying to compel him or her to accept you as a phenomenal engineering talent.
The next question that confronted me was the what type of engineering I wanted did I wantto pursue. Instrumentation engineering was the first choice that lit up my mind as this was the concentration that my father had graduated in. But as I got older, I realised that my father and I are two different individuals with a different set of skills and interests. Choices that worked for him would not necessarily work for me. I realised that I ought to pursue the branch of engineering that truly caught my attention and sparked my interest. I finally decided that I wanted to become either an electrical engineer or a mechanical engineer, as I performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments and course work in school that involved electric circuits and appliances. Your mental conflict doesn't resolve itself fully. Rather, it comes across as superficial. The way you first try to follow in your father's footsteps and later on realize that you actually like something else suggests a sort of fickleness.
I have hardly any experience in engineering at the moment, What about those practical assignments? but have an unparalleled desire to learn about it. I don't look at engineering as a source of income. Delete this last line.It is my passion, and I can only achieve my ambition of being a great engineer, if I am educated at a top-notch institute such as Yale, whose engineering programs have been constantly ranked highly in surveys. It sounds like you're pleading with them. Moreover, Yale isn't the only good college in the United State known for engineering. There is nothing in your wanting to join Yale for its rankings that even remotely suggests that it's the only school where you could realize your dreams.I strongly aspire to pursue an ABET at Yale in either electrical engineering or mechanical engineering and material sciences. Studying at Yale would ensure that I not only exercise a strong command over the fundamental principles of engineering but am also able to apply that knowledge to engineering design and practice through advanced courses and independent work. This is characteristic of practically all engineering courses - mention something SPECIFIC that you like about Yale - such as the kind of research they're doing, or any SPECIAL department or course they might have that you find interesting.Since most of the renowned faculty at Yale are top engineers engaged in cutting-edge research, ample opportunities exist where I can apply my technical abilities. You haven't mentioned anything that you can find at Yale that you CANNOT find at other engineering schools. I would suggest that you research Yale and its courses before attempting this essay.
Moreover, the presence of scores of other students who are just as talented as I am, Boastful. would spur me on to greater accomplishments and bring out the best in me. Since Yale Engineering also has the second lowest student to faculty ratio in the U.S, I am sure that I would receive ample personal attention and proper guidance. Contradicts the "as talented as I am" part. Be consistent. Yale's great financial aid system, faculty par excellence and the atmosphere that is perfectly conducive to learning makes it my dream college.
Okay, like I said at least three times in there, you haven't mentioned anything UNIQUE about Yale. Yale wouldn't want applicants who are haphazardly applying to universities without doing any research on them. They want passionate and committed students. Your essay should reflect that passion and commitment. If you really think Yale is the best place for you, you should have done all the research you could on its courses, faculty, campus life, etc. On what else could you have based your liking for it? On superficial things like its reputation and rankings?
You started off in the clichéd way of talking about childhood. However, I found it different from others. It did seem that engineering was a natural decision.
The second paragraph has no earthly business in this essay. The AOs don't want to know about engineering. They want to know about you.
The third and fourth paragraphs are weak. They demonstrate a lack of research about the university. You can replace Yale with any other high ranking university, tweak the sentence about student to faculty ratio, and your essay will remain the same.
So do your research. Ask questions to admissions coordinators, ex-students, current students, etc. Of course, scour the university website for every detail you can find.
thanks alot for the frank opinion...cud u plz suggest an ending and wat else i cud describe in my passage??
my 1st draft had quite a few facts that were specific to yale but i removed them as i thought the officials that were reading the essay would already know all of that and not really be interested...
i hav completely revamped the essay...this is how the essay goes after the 1st paragraph now...plz comment...
The next question that confronted me was the type of engineering I wanted to pursue. Instrumentation engineering was the first choice that lit up my mind as this was the concentration that my father had graduated in. But as I got older, I realised that my father and I are two different individuals with a different set of skills and interests. Choices that worked for him would not necessarily work for me. I realised that I ought to pursue the branch of engineering that truly caught my attention and sparked my interest. I finally decided that I wanted to become either an electrical engineer or a mechanical engineer, as I performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments and course work in school that involved electric circuits and appliances.
...
mechanical engineer, as I had performed exceedingly well in all the practical assignments
Comma not needed here: my ambition of being a great engineer if I am educated at a top-notch...
The new paragraph is better. However, I still think it would best if you include more Yale-specific information.
thanks alot...when you ask me to include info specific to the college...do you mean statistics??
btw, it would be gr8 if u could go through my other essay too called "the need for empathy"
I just have to say... Kaiser did a wonderful job of editing your essay. He pointed out the most glaring flaw in your essay: if you were to replace Yale with any other university, it would still work. So definitely follow his advice!
