Could someone please give suggestions/proofread/comment on my essay. I'm definitely not the best writer, and I'm aware this essay is quite wordy and is lacking direction. So if you have time to spare, may you please help me by suggesting what to remove/revise/fix! Thank you so much!
What significant experience has molded you to become the person who you are now?
At a young age, I learned that not keeping, but sharing blessings is what makes life worth living.
"Fix your room, or else!" This is what my mother told me and my younger sister when she saw our extremely messy room with toys scattered in every nook and cranny. Being the happy-go-lucky seven-year-old, I joined my sister in dumping our toys into an unorganized pile at the corner of our room. While doing this, the both of us had the least care of a possible avalanche of playthings in the making. Since the scolding made us feel quite guilty, we paused for a while before playing again. It all started with one stuffed animal, which we schemingly got out of the pile. In no time, we started imagining that our stuffed animal misses its friend, so we decided to get another one to keep it company. Soon enough, the whole gang of stuffed toys was tossed around the room. Suddenly, our mother entered the room. To top it all off, our heap of toys came crashing down that very second. Our mother immediately stormed out of the room without saying a word. For a little while, my sister and I thought we were off the hook since she didn't come back.
After nearly an hour, our relief ended as soon as our mother walked into our room with a big box. "Place your toys inside the box, now!" my mother said. I remember attempting to throw a tantrum, but our mother was very determined in wanting us to learn our lesson. Unable to hold back our emotions, my sister and I tearfully picked up our toys and placed them in the box with our mother standing beside it with her arms crossed. After there was literally no toy left in the room, our mother decided that we could keep only 2 toys each to be placed in our room while the rest would be placed inside the box that would be kept in the storage room.
Several months have passed since the incident when our mother told us we're going to visit the children who live in the informal settlers area near our home for Christmas. As my younger sister and I went in the car, we saw a box being loaded in the trunk of the car. We frantically asked our mom what was about to happen since we knew that box contained our old toys. When she told us that we were going to donate them, we immediately begged her to change her mind. However, my mother was firm and stood by her position despite our pleas. My sister and I started to cry because of this, which made our mother very upset.
"Do you think you still need to keep all of these even if you have plenty of new toys? Don't you think others deserve it more than you? Tell me, did you even think about these toys before today? Why, you never even asked to have these toys back before!"
Although those words I remember hearing from my mother aren't verbatim, the idea still strikes me even up to this very day. Throughout the entire car ride, I reflected on what she mentioned. In no time, this opened my eyes and made me see the world in a different perspective. One thing I realized was that one couldn't find happiness in owning a lot of possessions. Looking back, I find it truly remarkable for my mother to make me, a spoiled seven-year-old back then, comprehend the values of simplicity and generosity. At present, I still stand by these morals and believe of the importance of manifesting these values in my every day actions.
When we arrived in the area, my mother and other people involved started to give out the donations. Even if I was too shy to get out of the car and join my mother, I clearly remember the joy evidently expressed in people's faces and the weird feeling I had inside whenever I would see my toy given out to a child. The happiness I felt was not only because Emily the Mermaid would get a new home, but that I was assured that I got to brighten up a child's Christmas.
From then on, something inside me constantly drives me to share what I have to put a smile on others' faces. Despite losing what I have, the happiness I feel afterwards makes it all worth it. Since that experience, the well being of others has been one of my bases for my actions, big and small. From simply being of assistance, to choosing my university, I know that these acts and decisions shouldn't only satisfy my own desires. This is one of the primary reasons I'm choosing ____ university, because of its prestigious education it's offering as well as the numerous community involvements it has to promote holistic formation. If accepted, I know that I will be very well assured that the formation I will receive will help me in contributing the blessings and capabilities I posses to further help the society.
In no time, this opened my eyes and made me see the world in a different perspective.
^Sounds a bit fake in my opinion.
^Considering the essay prompt, you dont have to discuss why you have chosen the University.
The essay has grammar errors for certain, as well as cliches.
Am I right in believing that giving away your toys was a significant experience that has molded you into the person you are now?
"Fix your room, or else!" This is what my mother told me and my younger sister when she saw our extremely messy room with toys scattered in every nook and cranny.
Hey, you write very well! Great rhythm and detail...
You only need a hyphen between YEAR and OLD:
seven year-old
I joined my sister in dumping our toys into
an unorganized a disorganized pile at the ...--I think it sounds nicer this way.
Great use of the word schemingly!!
... placed them in the box with our mother standing beside it, arms crossed. ---I streamlined a little here...
The happiness I felt was not only because Emily the Mermaid would get a new home, but that I was assured that I got to brighten up a child's Christmas.---Excellent writing here!!
From simply being of assistance, to choosing my university, I know that these acts and decisions shouldn't only satisfy my own desires. ---I like this part.
This is one of the primary reasons I'm choosing ____ university, because of its prestigious education it's offering as well as the numerous community involvements it has to promote holistic formation.... and capabilities I posses to further help the society.-----I think this ending is too vague. If you really want to help society, you have to have a plan with specific goals and deadlines that you set for yourself.
Great job! It is better than you think.
