Here is my essay. I know there must be some grammar and structure problems. so please be harsh to me.And is my topic proper?
I really appreciate your help!!
Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.
Several years ago, the "Spanish National Derby"-game between Barcelona and Real Madrid was a feast to global soccer fans, teeming with glistening stars and brilliant attacks. It was the most influential advertisement in Spanish Football Division, a gold-lettered signboard; whereas, it now exhaust loyal fans. Indeed, people are becoming numb to it.
Since last year, every fan crawling up from quilt, without doubt, would see a farce version of "Spanish National Derby": a game mixed with boxing and diving. White t-shirt Real Madrid players are just Michael Tyson or Bruce Lee, all the way pushing and kicking opponents. Soccer rules, actually, encourage reasonable use of physical strength. Real Madrid player's actions, however, break away the required category. Their movements could hurt others easily. Soccer appealed to me for its beautiful cooperation and wall-like defense initially. Violent actions, both illegal and negative, raised serious problem. People, in daily life as well as field, need to realize that they should cope with difficulties by wisdom rather than violence; they should calm down and deal with problems more logically.
Blue t-shirt Barcelona players are Oscar winners in pitch, rolling in green grass whenever being violated. Maybe we should understand Barcelona, but some of its habits cannot be carried onto the table either. Although some Barcelona players are young, their acting skill is astonishingly mature. No matter whether they are actually infringed by Real Madrid players, these young "actors" would cover their face and scream. Barcelona's action is a moral concern. Players start to dive to earn points, a banned behavior since soccer's origin. What's more, diving is cheating in field. Cheating not only impairs the outcome of a single game but also harms soccer measurably.
It is good to see both Barcelona and Real Madrid hope to beat each other. Their way to win, however, is questionable. No ever-victorious general exists. Barcelona and Real Madrid, apparently, do not recognize this point. They abandoned the original soccer spirit: always be competitive, but always be legitimate. Napoleon once remarked, "He who doesn't want to be a general is not a good soldier." There is another saying however, "Legitimacy shall dominate the world." These teams should not be carried away by the desire of winning.
As the society toil onward into its future dreams, FIFA should focus on these concerns by clearing the dirty environment and returning the changed sport back to the pure and bright soccer.
Hi! i'll try to help the best i can, Kay?...mhh...in the first paragraph i thought the Spanish Derby was soccer but then you said it was a mixture of boxing and diving..maybe clear that up so they dont misunderstand...
maybe do this:
Before, a gold-lettered signboard appeared the most influential advertisement in Spanish Football Division; whereas now, it exhausts loyal fans and numbs their excitement towards it.
try something like this:
Real Madrid in the white uniform, simulate Michael Tyson's or Bruce Lee's, fighting style: pushing and kicking opponents.
how about:
However, the Real Madrid's playing style breaks away from the required category because their movements can easily injure the other players.(this sentences seems out of the blue)--> Soccer appealed to me for its beautiful cooperation and wall-like defense initially.
In the Barcelona paragraph don't start the sentence with maybe. Also, i think relate and discuss more to the topics because at times your there and others not.
Hoped i helped!
