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"Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed.


FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 22, 2008   #1
I was born and raised in Abu Dhabi, one of seven emirates that constitute the United Arab Emirates. The people's way of life in Abu Dhabi had been shaped by centuries of explicit efforts to tame a harsh environment, engage in trade, and most importantly, educate the young. Family plays a focal part in the social, political and economic interplay of the emirate, where children are provided with great opportunities to explore their interests.

"A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams." That was the welcome sign on the door of my home. My family is my compelling passion. My family consists of six members: My father, mother, three sisters, and I. To begin with, the seed only grows when it's watered and I believe that my home has been watered well. My parents accomplished their goals the hard way. They did not have the "perfect" environment or the opportunities. Hence, they accomplished what they did with years of personal effort and desire for a better future. For instance, my father was born and raised in the Middle East. His family had financial problems and this highly affected his trip to higher education in world class colleges. Although he didn't have the money or the critical advice from his parents, he was taught that nothing is impossible. In fact, his situation made his life a challenge worth both the effort and time. He studied hard in an American high school and earned good grades. Afterward, he planned and decided to travel to the United States of America for higher education. Subsequent to his arrival in Boston, he got a job and started applying to different colleges and universities. My father had big dreams and didn't accept working for a boss or anyone else. With this in mind, he got accepted in the Northeastern University, Boston, Massachusetts, USA. Thereupon, he earned his bachelor's degree in electrical engineering and his American citizenship. After ten years of work in the states, he decided to travel to the United Arab Emirates to run his own business. Finally, his dreams came true when he founded his own organization Nubla Engineering Services Co - L L C. With years of hard work, this organization now combines project management, technical feasibility studies, general contracting, MEP contracting, and general maintenance making it one of the most developing organizations and best reputation in the country.

At the same time, my mother had a great impact on me. She loved mathematics and worked hard to become a college professor. When she married my father, her dreams changed. Although she knew she could balance between both home and work, she sacrificed her job with no regrets. She used all her experience to raise me and my three sisters in the best manner. Furthermore, my mother's great interest and belief in education granted us a place in the top five percent in the school regarding the academic performance and volunteering works. She not only expected from us top potential but also made sure that we study and learn for our sake and not hers.

After all, my parents support, coupled with critical advice and influence, helped in the growth of my willingness to strive for the best grades and distinctions. Aiming to express my gratitude and appreciation to my family, I possess strong desire and ambition to earn superior degrees and merits.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 22, 2008   #2
Good morning :)

I cannot tell you whether or not this piece is off topic because you didn't post the prompt/assignment requirements. In the future, please do so in order for myself and others to give you the most effective assistance.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 23, 2008   #3
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

So Sorry , was in a hurry .. tons of applications..

Thanks again and Best regards.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 23, 2008   #4
Thanks! It helps :)

I think you stick to the topic quite well. You explain how your family has shaped you, and you express that your wish to make them proud of you guides you through your educational choices. Nice work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 24, 2008   #5
Thanks a lot , appreciate your time.

Best regards.
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 24, 2008   #6
Any grammar errors in this piece? Thanks (:
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 24, 2008   #7
Good evening :)

"With years of hard word, this organization now combines project management, technical feasibility studies, general contracting, MEP contracting, and general maintenance making it one of the most developing organizations and best reputation in the country." Do you mean, "hard work?"

Go back through and read your piece carefully, looking for other errors such as this.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 25, 2008   #8
Thanks a lot for the help.
And Yes I meant hard work.

Best Regards.
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 25, 2008   #9
Could I use the same prompt to answer the following Essay question for another University(University of Texas at Austin) :

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

OR Do I have to edit the first paragraph so the introduction of this prompt matches the essay question.

What do you think?

Best Regards.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 25, 2008   #10
You're very welcome!

I think that if you tailored it to match the prompt it would be a good foundation for the new university.

Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 26, 2008   #11
Thank you so much for all the assistance. (:
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 26, 2008   #12
I removed the first paragraph and edited some other lines, How it it now? As an answer to the previous topic :
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 26, 2008   #13
Much better! The whole piece sticks to the same topic now; great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 27, 2008   #14
Thanks a lot (:
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 27, 2008   #15
Could I use the same prompt to answer the following Essay question for another University(University of Southern California) :

Newton's First Law of Motion states that an object in motion tends to stay in motion in the same direction unless acted upon by an external force. Tell us about an external influence (a person, an event, etc.) that affected you and how it caused you to change direction.

What do you think?

Best Regards.
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 27, 2008   #16
You're welcome!

I think if you can describe how they caused you to change your direction, it would be fine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Nov 27, 2008   #17
I think I should think of something more challenging for a strong essay. Thanks for the advice though, I'll post the prompt soon.

Best regards (:
OP FYI 3 / 22  
Dec 12, 2008   #18
The 18th century French philosopher Denis Diderot said, "Only passions, great passions can elevate the soul to great things." Describe one of your passions and reflect on how it has contributed to your personal growth.

Could your family be your passion???
In other words, does the answer below answer this prompt???

Thanks.


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