CheesyCake 4 / 14 Dec 30, 2011 #1Please comment and tell me how i can make it better.Many college applicants think that they are all victims of the bureaucratic college process. The one that "contributes" the most to the community wins. No matter how irreverent, as long as a student has certain amount of hours, he or she becomes a strong candidate. This process turns students into robots and workplaces into sweatshops.Unlike many others, I truly enjoy volunteering. I have volunteered over hundreds of hours as a teacher assistant at Pegasus Knowledge Circle. As a teacher assistant, I had many responsibilities. I had to grade test, homework, and many other paperwork. After grading them, I had to go over the questions the students got wrong . Because of my fluent Chinese, I often translated for the parents who do not speak English. The most challenging, yet meaningful duties of the job is making sure all the students fully interpret what they did wrong and not to make the same mistake ever again. I've learned many things from this job. I have improved my communication skill greatly. Before I've had the job, I could not even communicate with strangers at all. Now, I have became more outgoing and social.
GraceTaylorWei 12 / 41 Dec 30, 2011 #2No matter how irreverent <-- no matter how irrelevant the activity isThis process turns students into robots and workplaces into sweatshops.< --- I think this is a bit of an exaggerationUnlike many others, I truly enjoy volunteering <--- sounds a bit condescendingOther than that I love your essay! I think it explains your experience quite nicely.Take a look at my Notre Dame Supplements? The one with the $5000 grant is quite short !
makman09 9 / 86 Dec 30, 2011 #3The first 4 sentences seem risky to me. It can either make you stand out among other applicant or make you look bad.Overall, I'm not impressed with the essay. You say you truly enjoy volunteering, but all you do is just show what you do. You don't tell me why you enjoy volunteering, why the activity appeals to you. There are many other applicants that show what they do and it doesn't matter if they volunteer at the white house, you have to show me why you enjoy volunteering.A stronger writer can show why he/she enjoys the activity with 2-4 sentences. You should do the same thing and cut out the beginning and cut down on the details of what you did.I hope my advice helps.Good luck with your essay!Can you give my Columbia Supplement a read?
