This is my response to the prompt:
Descr -ibe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I would like to phrase the last paragraph a bit more eloquently and other than that basic edits are always appreciated!
It's Christmastime again. The off-key rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" echoes through the festively decorated home as the young children wait for Santa to arrive and the adults take sips of their cider. My Great Aunt Joan hurries after my cousin John to make sure he is holiday picture appropriate, while Uncle Richard eagerly videotapes. Off in the corner, Uncle Jerry and Aunt Judi fervently debate some matter of the utmost importance such as the names of Santa's reindeer or the lyrics to "Adeste Fidelis". I stand in the midst of this chaos and prepare for the festivities to commence. After a moment's wait, "Santa", otherwise known as Uncle Tom, arrives and greets the holiday guests. The Lahey Christmas party has officially begun.
Ever since I was little, I remember traveling to Sacramento for this celebration. Year after year, my family and I pack up our car and embark on the three-hour journey. After what seems like an eternity, we finally arrive at the Marriott, where we have all of ten minutes to get ready for the party. Then, we rush back into the car and travel to the home of this year's host. We are welcomed by Great Aunt Nadine's everlasting lipstick kisses and her counterintuitive but well-intentioned children's gifts. In her eighties, she is the only remaining member of the Lahey generation that began this long-standing tradition. This year she has brought a small ceramic vase for three-year-old Chloe, and a tub of bubbles for me. I make a mental note to discretely swap gifts with Chloe later. I am then greeted by my remaining 30 to 40 relatives. After countless hugs and polite conversation I finally flop down on the couch near my Uncle J.B., my cousin Sara, and my newest cousin Marcus. While Sara chats about college and Uncle J.B. gently rocks Marcus, I slowly take in the wonderful, sometimes chaotic group that is my family. What started 49 years ago as a small party for an Irish Catholic family has now grown to include family members from ethnicities encompassing African American, Scandinavian, German, and Persian ancestries with religious affiliations ranging from Catholicism to Judaism, Islam, and Atheism. Despite our differences we still come together during the holiday season and celebrate the bond our family holds.
This ongoing family tradition has taught me how to communicate with all different types of people and also has made me realize how important it is to treat others equally and accept them. As a future lawyer, I see myself helping a unique range of clients and interest groups to achieve equal treatment under the law and to fight for acceptance of new political ideas and civil rights.
That is a great topic to write about. I would add more in the final paragraph, even if you have to cut down the 2nd paragraph, about specifically how it has shaped you. Which parts of the celebration taught you what, and how? Also, I wouldn't use the word counter-intuitive in the 2nd paragraph. Use something like odd, funky, bizarre, or unusual.
I actually changed the last part to be:
Even though it is some times difficult for me to agree with Great Aunt Nadine or my cousin Chloe, this ongoing family tradition has helped me learn how to communicate with all different types of people and accept the differences we do have. As a future lawyer I intend to use these skills to effectively communicate with a wide range of clients and interest groups, even if their opinions differ greatly from mine.
Good evening :)
Mechanically, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate; for example, "it's" should be "it is."
Make sure that you are including your punctuation inside of your quotation marks; for example, "Santa", should be "Santa,"
I like those adjectives! How about "eccentric," "quizzical," or "whimsical"?
What is it about this get-together that has shaped your aspirations? I suggest analyzing this part of the prompt a little deeper; otherwise, I think it's a great piece! Good work!
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
