Prompt #1
Describe the world you come form - for example, your family, community, or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
The moment I emerged out of my mother's womb as an 11.4-inch baby, I denoted the commencement of my parent's incessant worries. The worries ranged from my abnormal petite size, left lazy eye, light eyebrow hairs, to a huge birthmark on my left buttock, but the petite size of my body prevailed over others because in Korean schools tallness of a student defined the student. On the first day of class the students were to stand in a single-straight line from shortest to tallest and according to the line the students were numbered. The taller the student, the higher the number and somehow irrationally the more popular and admired the person was.
My parents feared that my height would grant me the title NUMBER ONE. They consoled their worry by taking me to hospitals to get subscribed to Korean-herb medicines consisting of ample amounts of calcium. Their endeavor backfired as the doctors warned them of the possibility of me being a midget in the future. I tried to allay their worry by obediently engulfing the bittersweet herb medicines and by exemplifying intelligence and kindness. For example, when I was five I challenged the nature by waking up earlier than the sun everyday to do puzzles. When I was 6 I befriended a mentally-impaired kid and showed her around the town for four straight hours.
Despite my effort my parents' worry refused to cease. Their dissatisfaction was what stimulated me to reach for much more effortful accomplishments. I placed first in my class in the end-of-year exam for two straight years. However myriad packs of herb medicines dominate our refrigerator and my parents continued to seek for a way to take off the shackles that prevented me from outshining the tall people in the Korean society and finally they decided to move to the land of opportunities-America.
In response to their unrelenting, unconditional consideration and love, I devised a gratitude plan with its ultimate goal being the dream that they have been only permitted to passionately gaze at: To attend an American college and be Intromitted to the American society. I had faith in my plan because my physical size was no longer a burden to my knack to vivify and outshine others.
My Dad had always told me to be optimistic, forgive and help others no matter how cruelly treated, and eat lots of fruits. While abiding by these guidelines, I prosecuted my plan. I prepared I engrossed in obtaining respectable grades in high-level classes while part-taking in immense responsibility-acquired activities evolving around my school's top two prestigious groups: ASB and COPA de Oro, the yearbook. Now I'm taking the final step to fulfill the part one of my, or rather our goal-applying to colleges.
The fact that I was born genetically small still remains valid for I am exactly 5-feet tall; however that fact is what had stimulated and ignites the utter determination that solely pursues a dream that is too big for my arms to embrace: To succeed in the American Society.
You should write numbers as words: six, five
Except maybe the 11.4
Good evening :)
Mechanically, I agree with sukjeffrey's comment. Also, when using "however" as a transitory word, it should be followed by a comma. Make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences; as such, "Dad" shouldn't be capitalized. Avoid contractions in formal academic writing; "I'm" should be "I am."
In regards to content, as it is I don't think it's as strong a response as it could be. You really need to link your height to the prompt. It is a focal point in the essay, yet it really doesn't answer the question; how has it shaped your dreams and aspirations? Make sure that everything you discuss in the paper relates to those questions in the prompt. If they don't, they shouldn't be included.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
Less story more more more reflection.
Your first paragraph was magnificent! Now you don't need to say no more about that story. Talk about the hardship and what you learned.
Learning is what the admission counselors are looking for. Yea you went through all this, but what became of you. So if you give more reflection, you're fine.
