I would very much appreciate any feedback on my essay. Does it answer the prompt? Does it tell you enough about me? Thanks very much!
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
My family and I moved from the bustling city of Los Angeles to a small, rural town when I was eight-years-old. We traded in our tract home with its inflatable-pool-size yard for a cozy home with a yard that could fit several tract homes. I left behind all that I was familiar with.
I was a taciturn child when I lived in the city and moving to the country only exacerbated that trait. There were no neighborhood kids, and I had no friends. To combat this, my parents enrolled me in 4-H. A common misconception about 4-H is that its only focus is on raising farm animals. But 4-H also offers projects like Rocketry and Communications, the latter of which all new members must take. That did not sound too appealing to my quiet, shy, nine-year old self. I planned on sitting in the back of the meetings and not talking unless I was forced.
To my horror, during the first class, I was informed that each member was required to give two prepared talks or presentations in front of all twenty-five students and their parents. This caused me worrisome, sleepless nights.
To my absolute surprise, after much practice, I managed to successfully give a talk not just to the project members, but later to a much larger group at 4-H County Presentation Day as well as 4-H Regional Presentation Day. This boosted my confidence in my speaking abilities so much that the next year, I became Junior Leader of the Communications Project. Two years after that, I progressed to Teen Leader. My project members ranged from students who were half my age to those who were twice my size.
I started each meeting by explaining the proper procedure for giving a presentation. I offered a few inside tips, and then gave a presentation myself. My hope was to demonstrate that it would not be as difficult as they imagined. Helping the children in my community overcome their fears gave me enormous satisfaction.
No one who knew me when I was nine-years-old could have predicted that I would become an ace at speaking in public. In pursuing my dream of attending university, I know that wherever my future leads me, I will confidently use my public speaking talent to change the perspective of others to make a positive difference in the world. I hope to use my talent to either successfully run business meetings or persuasively explain my position to a jury. Overcoming my fear of public speaking proved that I could accomplish anything I set my mind to.
Good evening :)
In regards to mechanics, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."
In regards to content, I think you've got a great piece here. It is very organized, answers the prompt well, and is very smooth. Nice work!
Regards,
Gloria
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