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"Be nice and smile at the customers" - 250 words critique


ArizonaT 3 / 8  
Jan 11, 2012   #1
Can you critique my essay?
You will notice that I am not good with grammar, so bear with me...
I am more of a math/science guy...

This is my first rough draft!

"Be nice and smile at the customers" as my mother used to say when I started working in our family restaurant as a thirteen year old. There was no way I could have smile at anyone at that time. My heart was fueling with hatred as I had no choice but to work. I didn't want to have a full-time job ,and I certainly wasn't ready for the responsibility and stress that came along with it. I was only concern about school and extra curriculum activities. However, my negative attitude started to change as I matured. I felt obligated to help after I realized my parents were in a financial turmoil. I didn't mind working thirty-five hours a week, and I actually learned a lot of skills I needed in life from helping out. I learned how to manage a business, I developed social and relationship skills, and most importantly , I learned a good work ethic. With my work ethic, I managed to balance a demanding job in the family business with sports and school work. I dedicated another twenty-five hours a week into two sports I was so passionate about since freshman year. In return, I received All-State Honors for football and wrestling for two years in a row. I have also managed to take AP and Honor courses with a busy schedule. My work ethic pulled me through the countless sleepless nights and motivated me to maintain an A/B GPA. In the end, my work ethic has shaped who I am and is responsible for all the success I had in my life.

There's a 250 word limit on this.
and can you tell me what I'm writing about on here? I want to know if I'm conveying the correct message to my readers.
saurabh93 11 / 94  
Jan 11, 2012   #2
I have also managed to take AP and Honor courses with a busy schedule. My work ethic pulled me through the countless sleepless nights and motivated me to maintain an A/B GPA. In the end, my work ethic has shaped who I am and is responsible for all the success I had in my life.

I think that this is not very original because a lot of students take AP's and manage a busy schedule regardless.
Good Luck
aakashneeraj 1 / 1  
Jan 12, 2012   #3
The eassy shows your hardwork but i feel that you somewhat jumping from sentence to sentence. There is no linkup between the two. you can do much better by writing about things which developed your personality.

wel good luck ....


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