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"My family guides and supports me" - UC personal statement


lattent 4 / 30  
Nov 27, 2008   #1
Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I continue to walk on the long, meandering path that is my life, I look back and I am able to juxtapose where I am now, to where I used to be. I can see how my journey has developed, been shaped, and how I arrived where I am. This arduous path I have not traveled alone; by my side, as Virgil guided Dante, my family guides and supports me through my path, giving me the tools I need on my rigorous journey.

One of my biggest guides has been my brother, Mario. My brother has always had a strong will, refusing to allow others to dictate what he can and can not do from birth. Born with muscular dystrophy, my brother was not expected to see his first birthday. Now fifteen years old, my brother has shattered the prognosis of the doctors and has persevered through all the adversities that he has faced with no apparent fear. The radiant smile that makes him glow and the jovial aura that emanates from him bear no witness to his harsh trials. As I matured and realized the resilience of my brother's character, I strived to emulate him; always advancing forward, doing my best, uninhibited by the obstacles that I face.

In doing this, I have excelled in preparing myself for college: taking AP classes, applying to four-year universities?things that no one in my family has done before; having no one to guide me through the steps that are necessary to be successful, it made it that much more of a struggle. However, through my own initiatives, I managed to do well in my AP classes, learn about different colleges and the application process by visiting different web sites, talking with my counselor, and asking friends who had the help of their older siblings, or parents familiar with the process.

Yet, even though I could not get much help from my family in that respect, I at all times had their support, motivating me to take initiative. Their incessant support not only motivates me to take initiative, it has also made me determined to succeed not just for my sake, but as a way to help my mom and dad have a better life when they get older. Having supplied me with almost everything I needed, and having always supported me, I find it a necessity to repay them for their investments in my future, making me more determined than ever to reach heights that no one else in my family has had the opportunity to reach.

However, as much as I have learned from my family and excelled because of them, the greatest hardship for me has been coming to terms with my brother's debilitating disease. Having had a profound influence on the person I am, I often find a multitude of steaming tears streaking down my face as I think of every surgical procedure my brother has had to endure, and the pain he consequently felt. An iron anchor weighs down my soul as I, without a way to alleviate his suffering, see my brother's eyes become consumed with sadness and desire as he watches others walk, run, and go as they please; all the while, he remains constrained and chained to a miserable, electric chair. Having witnessed my brother's ordeals, I have developed an affinity towards medicine. An affinity developed by, at the present moment, an unattainable, insatiable desire to help my brother. Thus, this last hardship becomes a motivating and driving force, progressing forward, uninhibited towards that final goal.

For now, I will continue on this path aided by the vital guidance my family provides me and the determination they create. When all is said in done, I will look back at the long, arduous path I took and at all of the achievements I accomplished along the way because my family's influence. At that final moment, I will look towards the horizon and see my brother no longer constrained to that miserable chair, but as free as a bird released from its cage, as I arrive at my final destination: heaven.

Any criticism would be helpful. A little long, i know. Is it an adequate response to the prompt?
EF_Team5 - / 1,586  
Nov 27, 2008   #2
Good morning :)

You do a great job describing your family and their influence on you, as well as how they have helped shape the person you have become. What about your family and their influence on you makes you proud?

I think if you acknowledge that facet of the prompt the piece will be well rounded.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Nov 27, 2008   #3
Thanks for the input, ill make sure to do that. Do you think the essay flows well and overall, is it well written?
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Nov 27, 2008   #4
anyone else's input would also be greatly appreciated
teenaxboee /  
Nov 27, 2008   #5
I think you should be talking more about yourself then your brother. You can write how your brother's hardships motivated you, but as I read your essay now, it sounds more tragic then hopeful.

Your essay should be 10% story and 90% reflection

Oh, and stray from cliches. They are a big fat no no.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 28, 2008   #6
Very nice essay!

Lets just fix this last part:

As I continue to walk the long, meandering path that is my life, I will look towards the horizon and head for the highest peak I see--where my dreams lie. I will trek to the summit without fear or hesitation, with my family's vital guidance empowering me to set foot on that summit, and realize my dreams.

How does that sound? I got rid of one comma, changed some words, and threw a period on the end.
OP lattent 4 / 30  
Nov 28, 2008   #7
Yeah i like that. Thank you :).

Just to ease my mind, does it flow and is it well written (no mechanical or grammatical errors)?


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