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'From Indonesia to USA' - How to organize good Essay for Global UGRAD 2013


Ira Arai 1 / 1  
Aug 20, 2012   #1
this will be my

personal statement for applying Global Ugrad 2013


what do you think? I need someone correct the grammar or the structure :) thanks in advance

My name is Ira Rahmawati, the most beautiful name that my parents ever gave. I'm the last child. I live in a small village in Jomban. Since kindergarten, I used to live without my mother and my sisters. My mother has to work in another city. It makes me become an independent and not-spoiled girl. Although we were separated by distance, she always motivates and supports me in order to be an active, brave, confident and not easily give up girl.

And now I'm an undergraduated-student (5th semester) in English education and teaching Department, STKIP PGRI JOMBANG. education has been an important aspect of my life, although it's placed number one, I have participated in many communities, I like to join many activities in my collage. Such as: Islamic center UKKI Al-Ikhlas, I often become a committee in an event especially involved in secretary. Outside campus, The community that I have is Hypnomotivator, I was the chief of its branch in Jombang (2010), this community is to develop and learn about mind processing and hypnosis and the other one is Indonesian Muslim students, I used to make an event including valuable volunteer experiences. From these activities I got a lots of experiences in leadership and team work.

In my daily life, I have a part-time job as a Private teacher for elementary school. Beside that, I use to be a volunteer English teacher in village. On holiday I like to invite many children to study English in my house free. We make a simple learning conversation in English, it aims to raise their interests in English. And in order they know other language (English) even we just learn in simple way.

Being an English student was my decision, I want to be an English teacher especially as a volunteer who will introduce English to the children (in remote village). Because I realize, there are many children in Indonesia who don't have opportunity to study in the school. I want to learn everything about educational system, how to deliver material, how to be a good teacher and instructor, based on the concept that the experts ever argued and stated.

And about my dream, I want to have a school for poor children and I want to be a good teacher or volunteer who have ability in transferring new knowledge to the learner based on how their minds work. To achieve my dream, I must have an excellent ability in leadership, education and English. In order I can encourage my three basics, I choose this program, I want to be one of Global UGRAD Scholars. By this chance I expect to:

1. be able to speak English fluently, because I've dreamed to be in abroad especially In The US where I can speak English intensively.
2. Experience campus life in The USA which is the most influenced country in the world (academic and non-academic)
3. Be able to interact and build relationship with international communities
4. Have an international networks among students, professor and educators in teaching and learning, because my study is related with education.
5. Be more mature in thinking, punctually and in taking decision
Well, I think there are many benefits for those who are chosen to be exchanged student in the USA, especially for better Indonesia.
Liebe 1 / 542 2  
Aug 27, 2012   #2
Your sentences sometimes are too short and your essay therefore does not read smoothly.
Further, this is a personal statement and I think your approach may be wrong.
Secondly, I dont understand the point of many of your claims such as

My mother has to work in another city. It makes me become an independent and not-spoiled girl.

You also make a LOT of grammar mistakes, and I dont know if that is because you did not revise your essay or because English is not your first language. If the latter is the case, then it would take me far too much time to list each mistake, and nor do I have any incentive to do.

Revise or rewrite.
OP Ira Arai 1 / 1  
Aug 28, 2012   #3
thank you Liebe for the response ... I will try to revise it... honestly, I revised it once :) I will do it...


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